And It All Falls Apart
by Morgen86
Summary: Post S2. This centers on Meredith and the crumbling love triangle she belongs to...it's rather angsty. Completed!
1. Ch 1: In Your Sad Eyes

It took Addison a few minutes to realize her husband hadn't followed after her. But it hit her when she'd wrapped up her brief conversation with the Chief about what had happened. After she'd offered what words of comfort she could and he'd gone off to see to his niece, Addison realized it. She was standing all alone by an empty nurse's station, a cold cup of coffee and a few scattered forms covered the countertop and she could see a lone nurse further down the hall, closing the door to a patient's room. But other then that, the hallway was completely abandoned. There was no sight of Derek anywhere. Addison sighed, feeling tired and wanting to go home, as she retraced her steps back to the lobby looking for her husband. It was comparatively brighter in the lobby with the walls covered in little strands of white lights, and a few stray balloons had escaped and floated high up to the ceiling. Derek was still standing there silently, his face drawn into a look of concern. _What…_thought Addison, as she tried to process the scene before her. Derek was standing next to Finn, and even though he was facing Addison, she didn't think he so much as noticed her. His eyes were transfixed on the woman standing between them. Addison couldn't see her face, just the back of her head and the wavy strands of dirty blonde hair tumbling past her shoulders, but Addison knew who she was. How could it be anyone else, it was always, always her. "Derek," said Addison questioningly, her voice coming out more shrill then she had intended. But it was Meredith, and not her husband, who spun around when she spoke.

She thought Meredith looked frazzled and overwhelmed, clutching her friend's shoes to her chest almost like a shield. But Meredith caught her eyes and held them for a moment. There was something vaguely apologetic in Meredith's look, as if she was trying to warn her or tell her something with her eyes alone, that made Addison feel more uneasy then the intern looked. "I'm sorry," said Meredith suddenly, turning back towards Derek and Finn. "We'll talk later ok?" Her words tumbled out, rushed and awkward. She did not wait another moment, but walked quickly towards the stairs and outside without even a glance backward. Neither Derek nor Finn had moved, and as Addison's gaze trailed over the two of them, she realized she had no idea if Meredith's words had been meant for Finn or for her own husband.

_-----_

_This is not happening _thought Meredith as she hurried down the stairs. _This is definitely not happening_. Only she knew that it definitely was. She knew that she'd just left Finn and Derek standing there with a confused Addison as well, but she couldn't think about it. At least she couldn't think about it properly or rationally. That would require thinking about what she'd just done, which was definitely not something she wanted to do right then. The shock of seeing Izzie with Denny had forced her own problems from her mind, but now they were threatening to come welling back up to overwhelm her. The memory of Derek wrapping his arms around her, his hands caught up and pulling through her hair, her name a deep whisper on his lips…everything was still all too clear in her mind. Meredith shook her head, reminding herself to concentrate on Izzie again. She didn't see Izzie or George or Alex anywhere in the parking lot, and, with a sharp sigh of relief, she realized Finn hadn't followed her out there either. She was completely alone in the sea of parked cars and empty spaces.

And so, because she didn't know what else to do, Meredith got into her car, kicking off her shoes and turning on the radio. She rested her head on the steering wheel as her hand turned the volume dial on the radio all the way up. The sound screamed out of the speakers so loudly it hurt, more a wash of noise then music. Meredith moaned softly, trying to let the sound drown out her own thoughts for a few minutes. Only it didn't work. Her thoughts drifted back to the last conversation she'd had with Addison. Meredith sat up in frustration, angrily switching the car into drive and pulling out of the parking lot. _Are you sleeping with my husband? _The question had been so easy to answer at the time, so easy that Meredith had been surprised with herself. _Of course not_ thought Meredith, speeding down the road towards her house. _Not since before I knew he was married. _The bright neon bar signs she drove past seemed to be taunting her, beckoning her to come on in and just do what she does best. Meredith fought the urge to stop the car and go get drunk, to let the warming flow of alcohol dull her thoughts and distract her, prom dress and all. Somehow she made it all the way home without giving in, and she got out of the car congratulating herself for not being stupid. But then she remembered Derek again and started to laugh bitterly as she slammed the car door shut. "Not since half an hour ago," she muttered to herself, pausing to jam her feet almost violently back into her shoes.

The lights were still on in the house and Meredith could hear loud sobs coming from somewhere on the second floor. She was about to head upstairs when she caught sight of someone standing in her kitchen. "Hello," she called, her voice trailing off awkwardly as she walked closer and realized it was Callie. Callie was just standing there, still in her prom dress and frowning up at the contents of an opened cabinet. "Did you need something?" Meredith asked hesitantly, setting Izzie's shoes down on the kitchen table.

"Um…tea." Callie turned around to look at Meredith, and gestured lamely towards the crowded shelves. "I thought Izzie could use some, but I can't find any."

"The other cabinet, third shelf on the right side." Meredith paused, wondering if she should offer some sort of explanation about just why she and Derek had been half dressed and alone in an exam room under an hour ago.

"Thanks," said Callie, speaking before Meredith could make up her mind. She stared at Meredith for a moment before suddenly smiling a little. "Izzie probably could use you now," she offered gently.

"Right…Izzie um…Iz likes the cinnamon type best." Meredith hesitated a moment longer, waiting for Callie to comment, to say anything, to at least look at her in disgust. But Callie just nodded and walked over to the other cabinet. "Right," Meredith repeated, backing into the doorway towards the stairs. "Thanks…" She frowned and turned away, feeling both relieved and confused by Callie's sudden lack of judgment. But before she could think about it, Izzie's wracking sobs pulled her attention upstairs.

-----

Meredith had thought the sight of seeing Izzie sprawled over the body of her dead lover had been a shock, however there was something even more painful about what she found in Izzie's room. Izzie lay on the bed, tangled up in her prom dress. Her face was buried in the pillows and her shoulders were shaking violently. Alex stared at her in silence. His eyes were shining and his lips drawn into a thin, pained line. He was stroking her hair with the soothing gentle gestures one might use to calm a child. George was sitting awkwardly at the edge of the bed, patting Izzie's arm and murmuring words that were lost beneath the wail of her tears. George looked up as Meredith opened the door and the light from the hall filled the dim bedroom.

"Hey Mer," he said before turning back and shaking Izzie's shoulder gently. "Iz…Izzie, Meredith's here." Izzie just clenched the pillow and cried harder. "What should we do? What are you doing?" he asked as he watched Meredith cross over to the dresser by the window.

"She's going to cry herself to sleep, and I'm going to make sure she at least doesn't destroy that dress with all the crying and the thrashing about she needs to do."

"Meredith…" said George, "I don't think she's worried about that."

"No…but the last thing she needs is to wake up tomorrow and still be wearing the dress that she chose for him…" said Meredith, dropping her voice to a hushed whisper. George nodded slowly, still seeming confused as Meredith pulled a shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants out of the dresser.

"Izzie get up, come on Iz…" Meredith looked over at Alex when he spoke, realizing that he understood exactly what she was getting at. Izzie shook her head no, but when Alex put his arm beneath her and lifted her up she did not protest. She just leaned limply against him, her tears falling onto his neck and his jacket.

"Hey Iz," said Meredith, walking around behind Alex so she was facing Izzie. "Pajama time, do you want the boys out of here?" Izzie lifted her head to look at Meredith. Her hair was matted and damp from crying into a pillow and her face was a smudged mess of tears and mascara. She'd stopped crying, and merely sniffled and shrugged her shoulders. "Okay," said Meredith gently as she peeled Izzie off of Alex and motioned for him to undo the zipper on the back of her dress. She helped Izzie into her clothes, pulling the shirt over her friend's head like she was dressing a doll. The pink gown soon lay forgotten in a heap on the floor. As they led Izzie back to bed, a gentle knock came from outside the door.

"I, I brought her some tea," said Callie from where she stood in the doorway. She held out the mug almost like an offering, seeming uncertain as to whether she was allowed within the bedroom. "I guess I'm going home then," she said, shooting George a puzzled look as Meredith walked over and took the tea from her.

"No wait," said George. He was still sitting on the edge of Izzie's bed, and he turned to look back at his friends questioningly.

"We're good here O'Malley," said Alex.

"Yeah…" agreed Meredith, sitting down and putting the tea into Izzie's hands.

"Yeah," echoed Izzie softly, causing everyone to turn and look at her. "You guys…you all still have jobs in the morning." Her voice was weak and trembling as if she was still on the verge of tears, but she smiled a little sad smile. "Thanks though…" she whispered as George bent down to kiss her on the forehead before following Callie out into the hall. The door closed, returning the bedroom to its dim half-darkness, but neither Alex nor Meredith moved. For a moment there was only silence and the sound of Izzie slurping at her tea, but then she spoke up again. "You guys can go too…I'm okay."

"Now that," said Meredith, smiling into the shadows. "That sounds like something I'd say, like something I have said."

"Yeah," agreed Izzie, her voice low and muffled because she still had the mug of tea pressed to her lips. She sat up a little straighter and turned to look at Meredith. "How do things get so fucked up?"

"There's nothing like Meredith to get you to think of fucked up." Izzie grinned suddenly and shook her head at Alex, mouthing the words '_Not nice_' obviously in his direction.

"Thanks Alex," laughed Meredith. "Thank you for that." She smiled and reached over Izzie to slap his arm, but inside her head his words rang all too true. She shook her head slightly and looked back down at her hands, only then realizing that she was still laughing. She wasn't sure why she was laughing, maybe because she needed to do something, and Izzie had already used up the crying option. Meredith had no idea what was so funny about being so totally fucked up that she'd gone and slept with her obviously married boss again either, but she just couldn't stop laughing. Her voice was bitter and hollow, filling the room with an empty dying sound that was somehow worse then Izzie's tears.

"Meredith?" Alex leaned forward to look at her, an eyebrow raised somewhere between shock and amusement. Meredith just shook her head, pressing her hands over her face so that her voice was muffled. "Meredith," he repeated. "What the hell happened to you?" When Meredith finally looked up, her face was flushed and her laughter had faded away to be replaced by the rasping sound of her breathing.

"Don't ask," she said heavily, reaching up to push her hair out of her face. Izzie leaned over and patted her commiseratively on the cheek.

"We all do stupid things," she said softly, and she sounded so much like Christina that Meredith smiled. But as she leaned back into the wall of pillows and closed her eyes, she couldn't help but feel glad that Izzie didn't know just what stupid thing she'd done this time.

The three of them sat there in silence for a long while. Nobody really wanted to talk, but Izzie didn't seem to have any tears left in her to cry either. Meredith peered over at Izzie occasionally, studying the tearstains on her face as she tried to decide if she'd be able to comfort Izzie better if she hadn't just slept with Derek. _Probably, _she thought to herself. She was finding it hard enough to just sit there like a normal person when Derek's face kept screaming back into her memory. But eventually Izzie's head started to droop and she fell forward, her hand curling around Alex's neck and her forehead pressed against his chest. Meredith looked over at her and sighed with relief. She was asleep. "You want me to help you move her?" whispered Meredith as she got cautiously up off the bed, careful to not let the springs squeak too loudly. But Alex shook his head.

"No, I'm gonna stay with her a little longer. Incase she wakes up. Needs anything." Meredith just nodded and smiled wryly at him before tiptoeing back into the hall.

-----

She thought it was funny. She'd been so insistent about getting Izzie out of her prom dress, but here she was now laying on her bed, still in her own prom dress. The dress just didn't seem important, at least not enough to bother with. Besides, the last person who'd unzipped the dress had been Derek, and Meredith didn't want to think about that. She sighed heavily, wondering how long she was going to have to lay there staring at the ceiling actively struggling to not think about Derek. She figured the answer was probably all night because she had definitely had sex with Derek, and that wasn't the sort of thing she could just forget. The real problem was the giant knot of guilt that had formed in her stomach, and that tightened a little every time she thought of Finn or Addison. When she thought of Derek she couldn't help but remember how happy she had felt in his arms, how wonderful it had felt to just forget everything else and be with him, and that pulled the knot tightest of all. _He's married_, Meredith thought to herself. _Whores screw married men, dirty mistresses screw…_ She frowned and tried to go back to counting the cracks in the paint on the ceiling, but before she got to three her phone rang. It chirped out a computerized melody and Meredith leapt to her feet to silence the ringer. She was expecting to be ignoring a call from Finn or maybe even Derek, but when she saw Christina's name flashing across the screen, she flipped the phone open curiously.

"Christina?" she asked, flopping back down onto her bed.

"Hey," came the familiar voice from the other end. "Talk to me Mer, I'm still at the hospital." Meredith couldn't help but smile at the fact that of course Christina would be the one to call at three am without so much as a quick "Sorry for waking you".

"With Burke?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah…he's asleep now. I'm still in this freaking dress." She paused for a moment. "How's Izzie?"

"She's alright," said Meredith softly. "She finally fell asleep awhile ago too."

"That's good. Huh…that's strange."

"It's not strange, she was exhausted from all the crying."

"No, not that," said Christina distractedly, and Meredith thought she could hear the faint sounds of a chair scraping across the floor.

"Then what's strange?" asked Meredith curiously.

"I wonder why she's still here," said Christina, speaking more to herself then anything.

"Who?" insisted Meredith.

"Addison…" Meredith let out her breathe in a sharp hiss at the sound of the name, and she fell silent for a minute.

"Maybe she had an emergency surgery," she offered at last.

"No, not possible," said Christina. "She's still in her dress and she's just sort of standing there." There was a pause and Meredith knew Christina was peering down a hall or through a window, casually tracking Addison. "Yeah, she's just pacing back and forth and staring at the wall. Oh, and she's got a death grip on a cup of coffee. It's strange," Christina announced decidedly.

"Yeah…strange," whispered Meredith. She screwed her eyes shut, willing herself not to burst into tears. Christina was oddly silent on the other end, not saying anything at all. When at last Meredith could open her eyes safely, she sighed and looked up at the ceiling again, realizing that if she hung up without saying anything about it, she really would start sobbing and spend the rest of the night counting the number of cracks in the paint. "Christina?" she began quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I slept with Derek…"

"You slept with Derek?"

"I slept with Derek," she repeated, making a face as she imagined the expression on Christina's.

"Tonight?" asked Christina, although they both knew she didn't have to ask.

"Tonight," Meredith echoed. "It just sort of happened…I mean our dog died and then he just kept looking at me. And then we were alone and fighting, and well…it just sort of happened," she finished lamely.

"Mer…Meredith, I swear sometimes you are stupider then Izzie," said Christina immediately. "You are just asking to get screwed." She paused, considering her words. "Well, figuratively screwed. You've already covered the literal screwing. Why do you want to do this to yourself again?"

"I didn't. I don't," stammered Meredith defensively. "It was just a stupid mistake, just stupid accidental sex. It didn't mean anything."

"Does Addison know? Is that why she's here?" asked Christina, the exasperation in her voice fading away to be replaced by curiosity.

"I don't know," repeated Meredith. "Probably not. Why would she? It was just sex." Meredith hesitated, wondering why she was insisting on this. "It didn't mean anything."

"Right," said Christina slowly, and Meredith could practically hear her rolling her eyes. "So you're still doing the non-doctor then?"

"The non-doctor? His name's Finn, and no I'm not still doing him. I mean, we never did…but I'm still…I haven't talked to him yet." Meredith sighed in frustration. "And that's only because things happened so fast, I'm still seeing him. We just aren't having sex. Because well…Derek…" Meredith let her voice trail off, realizing she had no idea what her answer was.

"See," said Christina pointedly. "Derek's still Derek."

"Yeah," agreed Meredith at last, as she looked back up and resolutely found the fourth crack in the ceiling. "He still is…"


	2. Ch 2: Tears and Rain

Meredith felt as if someone had clubbed her on the side of the head with a brick. The jet of hot water streaming from the shower hadn't done anything to wake her up, and she was surprised at just how dark the circles under her eyes looked. She felt as if she hadn't slept at all, but she knew she must have dozed off eventually because when the alarm went off she started awake from an uneasy dream. The house was oddly quite that morning, with everyone tiptoeing about afraid to wake Izzie. Alex had stumbled downstairs at some ungodly hour to crash on the couch, and he looked at least as exhausted as Meredith.

"We are zombies," moaned George, staggering into the kitchen. "Intern zombies." He took the pot of coffee, pouring some straight into a mug and drinking it without stirring in milk and sugar, which he always made sure to add. "Ugh…" he made a face. "I'd say I need an awesome surgery to get through today, but I'm afraid that won't be enough. I'll just fall asleep right on the operating table…get kicked out of the program." Meredith looked over and smiled at him, but didn't say anything.

Alex appeared in the doorway, still pulling on his shirt and offered a quick "Mer…phone" before disappearing again. Meredith spun around just in time to catch the wildly chirping cell phone he tossed her. She looked down at the caller id, and then glanced awkwardly over at George. He was staring morosely into his mug of coffee, so Meredith flipped open the phone answering with a hushed "hey" as she walked out of the kitchen and silently slipped outside.

"Hey Meredith." She frowned and sunk down the wall of her house until she was sitting on the ground, her knees tucked to her chest. He sounded so cheerful, so astonishingly non upset.

"Finn…umm, about last night," she began lamely. "Izzie…things were really, she needed to…"

"Is she alright," he interrupted earnestly.

"Well no, not really," said Meredith, absently tracing a finger around the hole in the knee of her jeans. "Denny, the guy who died, he was her boyfriend."

"Oh…" Finn sighed, his voice instantly understanding, and Meredith found herself remembering him telling her about his dead wife while they'd danced. "Are you alright?" he asked gently.

"I'm fine…well I, we…" but as she stammered along, trying to find the words to explain what she didn't understand herself, the front door opened. "I've gotta go," she said quickly and snapped the phone shut just as everyone came out.

-----

Meredith wished that she could avoid the hospital. She knew nothing good could come of her being there. There were too many people for her to run into. _Well actually only two,_ she corrected herself as she walked from the parking lot towards the front entrance. _And their names both end in Shepherd_. But the prospect of being alone with either of them for even a minute made her want to cower forever in the locker room, hiding like a little child. From Addison because of the guilt, the guilt that came in unexpected waves, catching her off guard and making her feel ill. From Derek because well, he was Derek. She was furious with him because even though her head was pounding with guilt and her mind was telling her to avoid him at all costs, her body was aching and practically begging to just be near him again. "Meredith?" Christina's voice interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up, realizing she'd been staring intently into the back of her locker. Christina gave her a hard look before muttering "damn…you're shell shocked."

"I'm not, I'm good," protested Meredith as she bent to pull on her scrubs. "Totally fine!"

"Meredith," repeated Christina, not at all fooled by the awkward smile Meredith had plastered on her face.

"Fine…I'm totally miserable," muttered Meredith at last. "Happy now?" Christina shook her head but smiled wryly at her friend. "I've just got to avoid Shepherd now," hissed Meredith as the two of them went to join the others for rounds. The rounds were oddly quite, with everybody feeling the absence of Izzie but nobody knowing just how to comment on it. Meredith only added to the strangeness by hesitating at every corner and trying to scan all the patients' rooms as they walked by for any sign of Derek so often that George looked permanently bemused and Bailey was on her fifth chorus of "Hurry up, Grey!" when Meredith slammed right into him. She had been looking to her left, checking the hall as she walked into the room of the final patient they were rounding on, a neuro patient. And of course, there he was.

"Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith as she staggered backward, regaining her balance.

"Dr. Grey," he answered, looking down at her quizzically. Meredith blinked, trying to read his expression. His eyes seemed a deeper blue then usual, as if shadowed by worry or maybe just exhaustion. He was smiling, but it was a thin weary smile that didn't reach past his lips. Meredith wondered if he could hear her heart pounding in her chest, her pulse felt so loud that she could hear it thundering in her ears. His hand was on her arm in what seemed like a casual, concerned gesture. Just someone reaching out to steady her when she'd stumbled, except that he had not let go. His fingers were still there when they should have dropped to his side. They were lingering on her arm with nothing but the thin fabric of her lab coat separating his skin from hers. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but Christina chose that moment to clear her throat, loudly.

Meredith took a rather visible leap backwards, and Derek pulled his hand away as fast as if he'd just been burned. Wincing at the obviousness of it all, Meredith tore her eyes from Derek and turned to look around the room. She felt certain they all knew. Bailey was scowling, Christina's mouth was twitching up into a smile, even the nurse in the corner was looking over curiously. "So, who's presenting?" She looked back to Derek at the sound of his voice. She knew it was a stupid thing to do, that she was supposed to pay attention to George while he presented the patient. But Derek wasn't looking either, even as he nodded his head along to George's rambling list of a treatment plan, his eyes stayed trained on her. There was just something about his eyes. They had always gotten to Meredith, even that first night when she met him in the bar. His eyes could pierce straight through her, pull her towards him, leave her a breathless reeling mess. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands and tried to force her mind to think of clean, sterile things, medical things. But it didn't matter, because when Derek Shepherd gave Meredith Grey _that _look her mind became a vile thing, and all the medical jargon and curious coworkers in the world couldn't save her. Anything resembling sensible or appropriate just curled up and died, and she thought thoughts that she knew were fitting for a dirty mistress.

And so as soon as George had stopped speaking, before Derek had even finished signing the chart, Meredith hurled herself out into the hallway. She clutched the patient files for the cases she was assigned tightly to her chest, trying to let them muffle the violent beating of her heart against her breast. She breathed deeply, the bright and sterile quiet of the hall washing over her, soothing her, and finally leaving her with nothing more then the familiar, deep-seated feeling of guilt.

"Meredith," breathed Christina, as she caught up to her in the hallway. "The two of you? Need to work on your subtlety."

-----

Meredith spent the rest of the day staggering around in a haze of guilt and frustration.

By ten am she had already shared a very awkward elevator ride with Addison. Usually the two of them made civil, even friendly small talk. But now the only thing Meredith could think to say was _'I had sex with your husband last night' _and so she kept her mouth shut. Addison didn't seem to mind though. She had offered Meredith a puzzled cross between a smile and a frown when the doors opened and then gone back to staring at the blank cover of the file she held in her hands. The silence was thick and made Meredith's skin crawl, so when the doors opened on the second floor to let on more passengers, Meredith slipped off even though she had pushed the button for six.

By the time she stopped for lunch at two, she had four calls from Finn and two voicemails on her phone. She didn't return any of them. She didn't know what to say, so she did what seemed easiest. She pushed delete and cleared the calls from the phone's record. And then Meredith just sat there, holding an uneaten sandwich in her hand and blinking back tears. She just sat there and stared at her phone until her pager went off, and she could get up and do without having to think.

By the time Meredith was leaving the hospital at nine pm, she had avoided Derek three times. The first time she had rounded a corner to see him standing at a nurses' station, filling in a chart. But his back had been towards her, so she'd ducked into a washroom to wait for him to leave. She had leaned against the cold tiles and tried to come up with reasons why she should love Finn instead of Derek. It wasn't hard. She had come up with a full dozen in the time it took Derek to fill out the chart and walk away. Somehow that failed to cheer her up at all. The second time, Derek had seen her. But her pager had gone off, and she had ducked away with an abrupt "gotta get this". By the third time, it just made sense to avoid him. She had shook her head at him from across the room, and let a sea of patients and bustling nurses slip between them. He had looked at her almost desperately when a frazzled intern appeared at his side, and he'd had to turn away.

Still, even though she had been on her guard all day, she hadn't expected to see him there at the hospital entrance. He was just waiting there, leaning against the door, his coat shrugged on over his shoulders. Meredith looked up at him, hesitated for a second, and then kept on walking.

"You're avoiding me," he called, moving to follow her out the door.

"Probably," muttered Meredith.

"Meredith wait." He hurried to catch up to her, his arm linking easily around hers and pulling her to face him. Meredith frowned up at him. They were close enough together that her bag was pressed against his side and she could see the thin lines of gold that ran through the blue of his eyes. His gaze was trailing over her face, winding that familiar irresistible path that led from her eyes down to her lips. Meredith breathed in sharply, realizing that she had only two choices. She was either going to give in before he even said another word, push him against the outer wall of the hospital and start kissing him in the parking lot, or she could try and control the dizzy, burning feeling inside her mind long enough to be angry. She decided to try being angry.

"Dr. Shepherd, stop it," she said, pulling away from him. When she'd realized her one night stand was her boss, when his wife showed up, when he'd chosen Addison, Meredith had called him Dr. Shepherd. It had helped somehow to throw a 'doctor' in there between them, and Meredith found that it still did. She turned easily and started walking towards her car.

"Shouldn't we talk about this?" he insisted, catching up to her yet again. "We need to talk about this."

"This?" Meredith hissed, whirling around to look at him. "Why? What's there to say? What do you want me to say?" Simoltaneously they both looked over their shoulders, scanning the parking lot to see who was around. It was a hasty furtive gesture, a bizarre shared instinct, but when they caught each other doing it Meredith laughed bitterly. "See…this is why there's nothing to say." She backed towards her car. "Where's your wife, Derek?"

Derek stopped short in his tracks at her words, still a few feet from Meredith and her car door. In the harsh yellow light from the street lamps, the lines in his face were more pronounced and she could see a shadow pass across his eyes. He sighed, running a hand through the mess of his dark hair, clearly flattened from being under a surgical cap all day. "What does this mean Meredith?" he whispered finally, his voice urgent and low. "Please Mer…what does this mean?"

"Derek, you ask me what this means one more time and I swear to God I will slap you!" Meredith didn't realize she was shouting at him until she stopped and felt the sudden contrast of utter silence. All she knew was that something within herself had snapped, something that she hadn't even realized was close to breaking. He swallowed hard, looking as if she actually had gone ahead and slapped him. But then he nodded in agreement, his eyes suddenly brimming with a look that Meredith couldn't interpret even though it made her ache from deep within herself. They stared at each other in silence for a minute, hearing the sound of other cars pulling out of the lot, but failing to actually register their presence. "I don't know," said Meredith at last, and the ache within her only worsened as she spoke because she did know what it meant, at least for her.

She couldn't look at Derek without feeling how much she still loved him like a knife through her heart. Not now with the sharpened memories of losing her underwear along with her last shred of moral highground in the exam room. Not now that he'd taken her and twisted her about again, so that everything that was safe and hardened against him had been broken open. She had been trying so hard to feel whole, and now she felt nothing but raw and vulnerable and overwhelmed. Derek was looking at her with something she thought might be love, but she felt too shattered to ask. Instead she just whispered "I don't know" for a second time as the rain started to fall. Then she got in her car and he didn't try to stop her. So Meredith drove away as her eyes blurred with tears to match the windshield, without realizing that Derek stood there in the rain watching until even the taillights of her car had vanished from sight.


	3. Ch 3: Nowhere Warm

_A/N - I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has commented. I really appreciate it, it makes writing this feel very worthwhile. Also, I think this chapter might be even more angsty then normal, sorry about that! But this story is all about adultery and a crumbling marriage with a bit of dead boyfriend grief on the side, so I've been feeling the need to pile on the angst. Hopefully you guys who've been kind enough to read don't mind. I promise it will at least have a somewhat happy ending...eventually!_

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Addison Shepherd lay on her bed, the covers thrown off to the side in a twisted jumbled mess. She was listening to the rain drilling against the roof of the trailer and the occasional bursts of low rumbling thunder that echoed down from the dark night sky. It felt weird to be back at home after spending a night wandering the quiet halls of the hospital in her red gown and high heels. Addison had thought it would feel fabulous to lay down beneath the familiar sheets on her own bed. The whole way home she had imagined her head falling back onto her pillow as she curled up into the sweet, dark, forgetfulness of sleep. Only that wasn't what was happening at all. It didn't matter how exhausted she felt. It didn't matter that she hadn't slept in two days. It didn't matter that her head ached and she felt as if she had rubbed sandpaper over her eyes. None of that mattered because Addison just could not fall sleep.

_It's the storm, _she thought to herself, rolling onto her side to glare at the raindrops streaking down the tiny window. Addison hadn't minded rain when she lived in New York, but there was something unnerving about the rain in Seattle. Not in general, but when it was dark outside and she was alone in the middle of freaking nowhere with nothing but the tin roof of a trailer between her and the storm, she hated it. _Once Derek gets home, I'll be able to sleep, _she promised herself. But she knew that was a lie even before she thought it. If Addison was honest with herself, she knew she had no idea if he was coming home at all, and if he did come, she knew the heavy silence that would then fill the trailer would seem even worse then the incessant patter of the rain. Because Derek didn't seem to be speaking to her. At work he had barely met her eyes. She'd had to ask questions twice to even get a one word response from him, and he hadn't bothered to ask her why she never came home after the prom.

Addison ran a hand over her eyes, feeling her finger graze away a single hot tear as she let her mind slip back to the night before. Back to Meredith Grey, that little wisp of a woman who had ran down the stairs and left two men gaping after her. Derek had finally looked up at Addison then, after the door slowly closed and Meredith disappeared from sight. It was a long and measured look, as full of things as the one she had just received from Meredith Grey. And Addison had stared back at him, trying to gauge what had happened by the set of his shoulders and the lines around his eyes. "What was that?" Finn had asked loudly, his voice equal parts confused and accusatory. Derek had looked away from Addison and shrugged casually, as if he had no idea. But she had seen the way his right hand had twitched, fingers clenching into a fist and then relaxing almost instantaneously at the sound of Finn's voice. There had been more in that tiny impulsive gesture then there had ever been in any of the scathing comments Derek had made about Mark. So Addison had turned around, and, without thinking, ran down the hall.

Staring now at the rain, she thought maybe she'd been hoping that Derek would chase after her. Of course he hadn't though. And when she'd stopped running and found herself alone in the middle of an empty waiting room, Addison couldn't bring herself to turn around and walk back yet again to find him. Somehow she had felt too proud for that, so instead she'd sat down and started to read the magazines on the waiting room table. There were three of them laying there and she read them all, every article, from cover to cover. Afterwards, she had wandered about and tried to find something to do, and eventually just gone and changed into scrubs and started rounding on patients three hours too early. When she had finally ran into Derek the next morning, she smiled at him like nothing had happened and he looked away as if he didn't even know her.

Addison sighed and thought it might be nice to cry, but before she could figure out how to start, she heard the gentle roar of a car pulling up outside. She sat up and flicked on the bedside lamp just as the door swung open and her husband walked in. Derek was soaking wet, his hair slicked back and streaming so much water that Addison would have thought he'd walked all the way home if she hadn't just heard his car outside the trailer. He turned to look at her, which Addison started to take as a good sign. She sat up a little straighter and tilted her head curiously towards him, but Derek just sighed and walked into the tiny bathroom, letting the door slam shut behind him. The loud thud of the door sent Addison falling back into the pillows. She wrapped her arms tightly about herself, pulling her long legs in their silk pajama pants up close to her chest. She pressed her face into her knees and didn't look up even when the muffled sounds of running water and cabinets being opened and closed had faded away. It wasn't until she heard the definite squeak of the bathroom door being pushed open, followed by the gentle shuffle of Derek's footsteps that she forced herself to open her eyes.

He was standing there at the foot of the bed, his hands jammed into the pockets of his navy blue sweatpants, his hair still wet and starting to curl again. "How was your day?" Addison whispered at last, scooting over to her side of the bed.

"Long." His voice sounded tired and softer then usual. She looked up at him, studying the face that she knew by memory, but Derek remained staring fixedly at the floor. The silence Addison had been dreading started to fill the trailer, and Derek standing still as a statue wasn't doing anything to help it.

"Derek…what's going on?" Addison wondered why she was asking. She knew what was going on, _knew_ that her husband didn't love her anymore.

Derek stopped studying the rug on the floor and turned to look at her. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and then roughly through his hair. It was a habit of his, a nervous gesture that Addison recognized instantly. What she wasn't prepared for was the fathomless well of guilt his eyes had become. He sat heavily down on the edge of the bed, and in the soft light of the lamp Addison could make out the worried creases around his eyes. He reached out and put his hand over hers. "Addison…" His voice cracked on the second syllable and by the time her name had died on his lips, Addison knew she couldn't let him finish his sentence. If she said yes, if she even simply sat there in willing silence, she knew her husband would confess to just what had happened between him and Meredith Grey. If she let him talk, their marriage would end, and suddenly that felt unbearable.

"I'm glad you're home," she stammered quickly. "I never liked the rain." Her words are rushed and she's not really sure why she's talking. She just knows that his hand is still covering hers and she doesn't want to lose the sweet, familiar normalcy of that gesture forever.

"Addison," said Derek again, insistently this time as if willing her to hear him out.

"We're trying aren't we?" she continues. "Everything's fine…I mean, as good as it can be, right?" Her voice had an almost desperate whine to it, and Derek looked at her helplessly. He could feel her hand trembling beneath his, the soft delicate flutterings of a butterfly caught in a fist, and it sucked away his resolve. Slowly, he nodded his head. "So lets just go to sleep Derek…please."

"Alright," he agreed at last. His voice was heavy and almost angry, and his hand fell away from Addison's as he got into bed. She sighed and started to speak, but thought better of it and simply laid down. Still, after a few minutes, Derek slipped his arm around her and Addison felt him begin to run his hand absently through her hair. As his fingers traced gentle paths along her scalp, Addison found herself thinking _maybe…_ She cast a hopeful cautious glance over at Derek, but he was staring fixedly at the ceiling, his face perfectly expressionless. Addison knew he wasn't thinking of her, he was simply there. If he was thinking of anything at all, he would be wishing that the hair he was running his hand through wasn't deep red but dirty blonde. So Addison screwed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the knowledge that this was only prolonging the end, trying to force herself, like Derek, to think of absolutely nothing at all.

-----

Meredith trudged slowly up to her house, not really minding the pouring rain or the puddles of water that dripped off her clothes to pool on the hallway floor. "Meredith, that you?" came a disembodied voice calling from the kitchen that she recognized immediately as George's. Instead of answering, Meredith just walked down the hall to stand in the doorway. He was sitting at the table, with a giant pizza in front of him filling the room with the smell of cheese and grease and meat. "Finn was here," he announced without ceremony.

"Seriously?" Meredith dropped her bag on the floor, and walked over to sit down opposite George. He nodded.

"Gone now…" His voice was muffled as he talked around a mouthful of pizza. "He said he'd stop by tomorrow, wants to take you out to breakfast before work."

Meredith wasn't sure why exactly, but the idea annoyed her. "He's persistent," she muttered, absently twisting a stray napkin into a rope. George frowned at her, his eyes scanning her face intently, as if searching for something. He opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to think better of it, and closed it again with a shrug. "How's Izzie?" Meredith asked at last.

"Hasn't been out of her room all evening," he said softly, his voice sounding suddenly pained. "She said she wanted to be alone."

"Right…" Meredith nodded, smiling sadly, and got up to walk upstairs.

"So, you're sleeping with Shepherd?" The question came suddenly, bluntly, causing Meredith to freeze in the doorway, one foot raised halfway off the floor. "Callie told me," he added when Meredith continued to not move.

"Callie told you," she echoed, finally turning back around to look at George.

"Yeah…you were doing your thing where you go all twitchy, keep looking over your shoulder…" he had started rambling, his words rushing together nervously. "Staring at each other during rounds…and well, I mentioned it to Callie. And she said…" His voice trailed off, ending with an empty shrug of his hands and a look that said 'well, you know'.

Meredith didn't know how to answer him, so she repeated her earlier words to Christina. "It was a mistake. We didn't mean to, it just…" but she stopped talking abruptly, suddenly finding it too odd to be discussing sex with George after everything.

"Are you going to talk to Finn?" he asked in a voice that wasn't so much asking her but telling her to, heavy with the stinging knowledge of just what it was like to be the nice guy. She shrugged and stared down at her waterlogged shoes. "Meredith…"

"What George?" she snapped, glaring back up at him. Her voice, the hand she placed on her hip, the bright flash in her green eyes, everything about her was suddenly daring George to go ahead and offer the wrong bit of advice, to go ahead and destroy their fragilely repaired friendship. But George dropped the subject, and simply smiled at her with something resembling pity in his eyes.

"Want a slice?" he asked at last, brandishing a piece of pizza, so heavily laden with toppings that its crust was drooping dangerously, in her direction. She shrugged again, but this time in agreement and walked around the table towards him. "Just please Mer, promise you'll be careful…" He spoke quietly, holding off until she'd taken the pizza from him. Meredith hesitated, letting her head fall forward to rest on his shoulder while the pizza hung awkwardly between them. But then she straightened up and took a bite, her eyes looking at him both sad and smiling. She turned wordlessly to walk upstairs, and this time George didn't call her back because they both knew she couldn't promise him that.


	4. Ch 4: All Mixed Up

_A/N - A slightly longer chapter then usual for me. I had a lot I needed to cover to build up to some bigger stuff next chapter. Thanks to everyone for the comments and for taking the time to read this._

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Meredith wasn't sure what she was supposed to do about Finn. She was apparently having breakfast with him. He'd called and said he was on his way, and she'd muttered and stammered and hesitated and finally just told him she'd be ready when he got there. And now she was pacing the hallway outside her bedroom, listening for the ring of the doorbell and considering just sneaking out the back. She expected the doorbell. Her whole body was tense just waiting for the sound of the doorbell. What she didn't expect was for the door on her right to open and for Izzie to emerge.

"Izzie? You're up? Sorry…did I wake you?" Izzie blinked at her in confusion, as if adjusting her eyes to the light. She was still wearing the gray sweatpants and flowered t-shirt Meredith had helped her into two nights ago.

"No," said Izzie slowly. She put a hand to her head and frowned. "My hair…" she patted it, feeling the frizzy matted mess her prom hairstyle had been transformed into. "Looks like crap." Meredith wondered if she was supposed to deny this, but didn't really see the point, since Izzie's hair did look like crap.

"How're you doing Iz?" she asked instead. But Izzie squinted at Meredith as if she'd gone crazy, as if that was the most ridiculous question anyone could think to ask.

"Fabulous," she declared, flashing a preternaturally cheerful smile before turning and marching towards the bathroom. As Meredith looked after her in bewilderment a loud chime pierced the air. Izzie pointed a hand behind her, perked "doorbell!" and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Meredith had been so distracted by Izzie that she had forgotten to feel anxious, but when she'd made it to the bottom of the stairs the nervousness had started to creep back up. Before she could change her mind, she reached out and yanked the door open. "Finn…hey," she smiled up at him, quickly grabbing her jacket from the hook on the wall and closing the door behind her.

"Hi," he said warmly, leaning in to kiss her. Without even thinking about it, she tilted her face slightly so that his lips brushed instead against her cheek. "How's Izzie holding up?" he asked as he lead the way to his car. The image of Izzie's devastatingly chipper grin flashed back into Meredith's mind.

"I think she's lost her mind," Meredith muttered, not sure just how much she was joking.

"Yeah, well…give her time. How about you? How are you holding up?" He looked down at her, his eyes filled with nothing but kindness and concern. Meredith shrugged, suddenly realizing just how much Izzie's grief had seeped over and was acting as a buffer for her own strange behavior. She wondered if the fact that she didn't care made her a bad friend, but it let her have a wonderfully silent car ride to the restaurant so Meredith figured it was worth it.

However, after scones dripping with butter, blue porcelain mugs steaming with coffee, and lots of pointless small talk, Finn paused and looked Meredith squarely in the eye. "I've been wanting to talk to you," he began. Meredith shifted uncomfortably in her seat before he had even finished his sentence. "…about Derek."

"Derek?" she echoed innocently. "Why?"

"Meredith…" She could practically see his mind spinning, sifting through an endless array of words to find the right way to ask her. "It's just…you act so different when he's around." Meredith shrugged and stared at the crumbled remains of her scone, not quite sure of what the protocol was for post-cheating prom sex conversations with suspicious semi-boyfriends. Then she thought maybe she should consult Addison's expertise for the situation, and almost laughed into her coffee. "Why did you and Derek share Doc instead of Derek and Addison?" Meredith glanced up, surprised that he was getting so quickly to the point.

"We used to date." She was equally surprised at her own reply. Everything about sleeping with Derek again made her want to waffle and avoid and hide from questions. But there she was giving an answer that, while being far from the whole truth, was still straightforward and completely true. Finn just nodded, not looking even remotely shocked by her admission.

"But not anymore?"

"Obviously Finn. I'm having breakfast with you, not Derek." Meredith rolled her eyes at him, quickly justifying for herself that adulterous sex was a world away from dating, so she technically wasn't lying. "Besides, the man's married." Her voice sounded just a little too flat and angry, but she managed to set her coffee mug down without spilling any of it.

"I know. I was talking with his wife at the prom. She said they'd been married close to twelve years." Meredith nodded slowly. "So…so you and Derek dated before that? Twelve years ago?" His voice sounded incredulous, as if he realized what a ridiculous, improbable question he was asking. Meredith glared at him, her green eyes looking daggers that practically screamed her frustration.

"No." Her answer was blunt and laced with bitterness, but Finn just smiled politely.

"Umm…so you dated…"

"About seven months ago," she continued, cutting him off. "Look, can we talk about this later? I'm already going to be late for rounds." She stood up, her chair making angry scraping noises across the floor as she pushed it away. The car ride from the restaurant was as silent as the previous one, only this time the quiet was not of comfort but of tension. Meredith avoided Finn's eyes, focusing only on the car window, counting the minutes until they pulled up in front of the hospital. With the knowledge that the refuge of Seattle Grace was only a few feet away, Meredith managed to turn and smile at him. "Thanks for breakfast," she said, laying a hand on his arm. "And for the ride." The great wave of relief she felt at leaving the car was destroyed when she turned around to see Derek watching her.

"That was Finn," he said, heading her off at the entrance.

"It was." She shivered, her body instantly drinking in the nearness of Derek to her, like it was some invisible force field he possessed just to torment her. She knew she was leaning towards him, which was sort of destroying the snappy uncaring reply she'd been going for. "Derek…" He looked down at her, his frown softening as he nodded.

"Derek!" A second chorus of his name broke through the air, shattering the moment. "Oh…good morning Meredith."

"Morning…ah.." Meredith hesitated. It had been months since she'd called Addison anything other then Addison. But suddenly she felt that sounded too friendly, too intimate to use with the woman whose husband she'd recently slept with. "Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," Meredith said instead, instantly hating her choice to use both Montgomery and Shepherd as she heard herself stumble over the long name.

-----

Addison smiled stiffly, hoping that it wasn't painfully obvious that this was the longest conversation she'd had with her husband all morning. But Meredith didn't seem to notice, or if she did, she didn't seem to care. She just mumbled something about being late for rounds and hurried off. And Addison watched her walk away, because the alternative was to look back at Derek, and the last thing she wanted was to see the way her husband was staring after Meredith Grey.

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Meredith hurried down the hall, pulling on her lab coat and tying up her hair as she searched for Bailey, Christina…any sight of anyone familiar. _Great…I've missed rounds_ she thought to herself, adding another reason to her mental list of excuses for avoiding another breakfast with Finn. At last she caught sight of Alex picking up several files from the nurses station.

"Alex!" She pulled up beside him, leaning against the counter. "Where is everyone?"

"No idea. Done with rounds already." Meredith cursed under her breath causing Alex to frown at her curiously. "What's wrong with you? Up all night doing that vet?"

"No," she said a little too sharply, shooting him a dirty look. "More like hellish breakfast date," she added with a frustrated sigh. Alex nodded and started to walk away. "So are you…still working with Addison?"

"Ugh yeah, she's out to single-handedly destroy my love of the female anatomy."

"Right…" Meredith quickened her pace to keep up with him. "How's she seem though? The past few days…happy? Sad?" Alex shrugged uncertainly.

"I don't know, about the same…"

"Grey!" The interns whirled around to see Bailey coming out of an exam room, arms crossed over her chest and eyes narrowed.

"You're on your own Grey," Alex laughed and turned to walk up the stairs.

"You're late," she snapped, walking over to Meredith.

"I know, I'm sorry. I was…"

"I don't care," continued Bailey, cutting Meredith's explanation short. "Now, if it were up to me, I'd have you in the pit doing sutures all day. But apparently…there's been a request for you." She paused to shoot Meredith an extra scowl. "Shepherd wants you downstairs."

"Shepherd?" stammered Meredith.

"Yes Grey, Dr. Shepherd? Tall, dark haired, Head of Neuro. What, do you have amnesia this morning in addition to missing all of rounds?"

"No…nope, but I wouldn't mind doing the sutures," said Meredith hopefully. "If that's what you think I should do…"

Bailey shook her head and looked at her incredulously. "Downstairs with Shepherd now Grey!" Meredith sighed and nodded, turning to go search for the one man she thought it best she avoid. She found him easily, standing in a doorway giving instructions to a nurse.

"Dr. Shepherd…" said Meredith uncomfortably. He turned around instantly at the sound of her voice, before looking back to smile and dismiss the nurse. "You requested me." She tried to keep her voice as flat and casual as she could, but the nurse still looked at them curiously.

"Yes…I'm operating on a Mr. Prichard today. He's a Parkinson's patient. You've helped me with a similar case before." His voice was slightly questioning, as if testing to see if Meredith remembered. She did, easily. She had only assisted with one Parkinson's patient, early on in her internship, when they had just started dating. Meredith looked up at him, her eyes flashing warningly.

"I remember…the DBS case," she said quietly as they made their way down a long empty corridor. Derek nodded slowly, a smile playing across his face. But Meredith shook her head slightly. "That was a long time ago…Dr. Shepherd." His smile faltered a little, and he anxiously shifted the file he held in his arms.

"So…Finn…he dropped you off."

"Yes," said Meredith slowly, thinking back to the morning's awkward breakfast. "He did."

"You're still…seeing him then?" Meredith couldn't help but notice the slight hitch in Derek's voice as he paused and forced himself to substitute "seeing" for "sleeping with". She hesitated and looked up at Derek, his eyes were anxiously searching her face. She felt a sudden urge to shout "No, I'm not! I'd rather have you!" but managed to bite her tongue in time. _He's married_, she reminded herself fiercely, forcing the image of Addison standing next to him in the lobby just an hour ago back into her brain.

"Yes Dr. Shepherd…I suppose I am." She was surprised to hear the words coming out of her mouth. She didn't really have a clue as to what she was doing with Finn. Derek had stopped walking, was just standing there in the corridor. He looked at her, his blue eyes seeming puzzled and more then a little hurt. Meredith stared down at the ground, hating the thick silence that followed her words. Some small, stupid part of her was wishing he would grab her and tell her she couldn't see Finn anymore, not now because _he_ loved her. Because Addison wasn't important, wasn't anything compared to her. She could hear Derek gasp as if about to speak, but the door at the end of the corridor swung open and several lab techs walked through, and he only frowned and stayed silent. "I…I'll go start the pre-op, Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith at last, and walked out the still open door without letting herself look back.

Mr. Prichard was a friendly elderly man. His brown eyes were warm and smiling, and he didn't seem all that bothered by the constant shaking of his own limbs. "It's part of life I suppose," he said as Meredith came in to start his work up. His wife was a large and twittery woman who insisted Meredith call her Emily.

"We are just so excited," she gushed. "Our son-in-law, his uncle needed spinal surgery about six months ago, and he had such wonderful results! Roger, that's our son-in-law, just raved about the doctor, and suggested him for my Henry here. And I am just oh so glad that we listened!"

"Well, Dr. Shepherd is excellent," agreed Meredith quietly as she hooked Mr. Prichard up to the monitors.

"Excellent? Oh yes dear, and gorgeous. Roger forgot to mention that, although I suppose as a man he didn't notice." Emily looked into her compact mirror, fluffing her hair as she giggled. "Gorgeous, charming _and _a doctor, the woman who lands him has got herself quite the catch eh?" She elbowed Meredith, her blue eyes twinkling conspiratorially.

"He's…Dr. Shepherd is married," said Meredith rather flatly, doing her best to sound polite and disinterested.

"Oh yes, happily? Or is it a rocky marriage?" Meredith looked at the woman disbelievingly. "I'm sorry dear…but I've finished all of my magazine." She lifted it, shaking the glossy pages at Meredith to emphasize her point. "Surely you've got some good hospital gossip to keep me entertained."

"Umm…I don't know any…" stammered Meredith. Mr. Prichard looked up and smiled apologetically at her.

"Emily, let the doctor do her job. You can go husband hunting for Anna at another time," he said gently, doing his best to waggle a shaking finger teasingly in his wife's direction.

"Right…I, um…I need to go deliver these labs," stammered Meredith as Emily stopped talking long enough to giggle at her husband. "If you'll excuse me." She backed quickly out the door, sighing with relief when she heard it click shut.

-----

"Alright…what about number 53 across, a four letter word for a razor-billed auk."

"Seriously? A razor-billed auk? What are you doing in here?" asked Meredith as she stopped in the doorway of a private room at the sound of Christina's voice. "I've been looking for you all day." She walked further into the room to see Christina curled up in a chair, her legs dangling over the edge and a folded newspaper in her lap.

"I'm entertaining Burke," said Christina, twisting about to look at Meredith. "Any ideas about this razor-billed auk…what the hell is an auk anyway?"

"I think it's some sort of bird," said Meredith shrugging. "Anyway, you'll never…"

"Oooh, yes! A bird, that would work. See Burke, I told you I'm great at crosswords."

"Well technically, Meredith got that one," said Burke from where he lay in his hospital bed, an amused smirk playing across his face.

"Oh hi, Dr. Burke," said Meredith, leaning around Christina to smile at him. He raised his good arm in greeting.

"That's a minor technicality," declared Christina, still caught up in the crossword puzzle.

"Have you been doing crosswords all day?" asked Meredith, sitting in the empty chair next to her friend. She leaned over to look at the significant stack of finished puzzles piled at Christina's feet. "That's hardly work!"

"I'm monitoring a patient," declared Christina, gesturing over at Burke who raised an eyebrow before turning back to the book in his lap. "Besides, you're one to talk Miss Can't-Even-Show-Up-For-Rounds!"

"Well I've been doing pre-op work for a DBS patient all morning. Shepherd'sDBS patient," Meredith said pointedly. "Besides, it's not my fault I was late. I was off being tortured by a vet." She moaned at the memory of her day, and buried her head in her hands.

"Yeah, George said you were having breakfast with him. Did you tell him about your renewed interest in McDreamy?"

"It's not a renewed interest," hissed Meredith instantly, glancing anxiously over at Burke and lowering her voice. "I told him we used to date…wait, you and George were talking about me?"

"Of course, we talk about you all the time," said Christina nonchalantly as she scribbled in another answer on the crossword.

"You do? That's hardly, well…" she paused, frowning indignantly. "That's hardly professional!"

"Please…Mer, like you're one to lecture me on professionalism. Besides, you're like our very own walking, talking soap opera. Of course we talk." She grinned at Meredith, seeming rather amused by the whole thing. "Oh, and Bambi thinks you should give Finn an actual shot."

"Yeah?" Meredith sighed and leaned back in her chair. "Maybe he's right," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe I just need to try harder with him, try to really like him…then it might work." She hesitated, fidgeting with the tie on her scrubs. "Do you think it would work?" Her voice was quiet and hopeful and a little sad.

"Meredith…" said Christina, finally putting down her crossword. "Seeing as you were willing to lay back and spread 'em for the doctor while on a date with the vet…" The sudden sound of Burke clearing his throat rather pointedly caused Christina to trail off mid sentence. Meredith shot her a mortified look, silently mouthing "shut up" several times. "Well listen," Christina continued, lowering her voice a little. "All I know is you can't force yourself to like someone. Either it's there or it's not, and if it's not…all the trying in the world isn't going to change that."

"Yeah…" Meredith whispered, looking uncomfortably at the floor. "It's just…" She stopped, not really wanting to mention Derek again with Burke in the room. She let her head fall back into her hands.

"Aww Mer," said Christina affectionately, sounding torn between amusement and concern. "You really are messed up."


	5. Ch 5: Where Does the Good Go?

_A/N - This was originally a huge chapter, but I've split it into two parts. It jumped around a lot and covered way too much to flow as one coherent chapter, so...this is basically the first half. I'll try to update the second portion tomorrow. And thanks again to anyone taking the time to post some feedback. I really appreciate it!_

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Addison hesitated at the edge of the cafeteria, gripping a plastic yogurt container tightly and trying to convince herself to just go and talk to her husband. She could see his profile, seated at a far table with a host of paperwork laid out in front of him. He didn't have any food with him, just one of those cheap Styrofoam coffee cups and an emptied sugar packet. He was working, obviously working. She knew he could say that he was busy and that she wouldn't really have an argument for that. Still, Addison wanted to talk to her husband. The small, bittersweet victory of the night before had all but faded away because he had woken up as indifferent as ever, without a smile for her, or a conversation on the drive to work, not even a simple 'good morning'. When he'd looked at her at all it was when he thought she wasn't paying attention, and then he'd gone and asked Bailey specifically for Meredith Grey in front of her. Addison let her frustration cancel out her nerves and propel her across the cafeteria towards Derek.

"Hey," she said, faking cheerfulness as she slipped into the open seat across from him. Derek stopped writing and looked up at her, the tip of his pen hovering just above the paper. "Busy day? I haven't got any surgeries today myself, just a bunch of office visits…" She smiled at him, pausing to give him a chance to speak. He didn't. "Derek?"

"Yeah," he answered at last, punctuating his speech with a heavy sigh. "A busy day…" He gestured at the small mountain of forms and charts in front of him. Addison nodded and opened the lid on her yogurt, spooning a large helping of strawberry into her mouth. It was her favorite flavor yet somehow she couldn't seem to taste anything.

"Um…how was your DBS case?" she asked when Derek had simply turned back to his paperwork. "The surgery went smoothly?"

"It's not for another hour still." His voice was low and distracted, and Addison knew he was already mentally tuning her out. She picked at her yogurt for a few minutes in silence as he finished up a form and moved on to another one.

"I'm sure Meredith will be very helpful," she finally blurted out, knowing that it would get his attention back. She was right, his head lifted instantly. He seemed shocked or nervous, his skin rapidly growing paler and his eyes turning shifty and apprehensive. "How nice of you to choose her to assist you," continued Addison, enjoying the sudden change her words had wrought in Derek.

"She's talented." When he'd finally spoke he had gained control of himself again, and his words were nonchalant and accompanied by a return to the paperwork in front of him. Addison sighed and kicked at the table leg, wincing as her toe collided with the hard corner of the leg. She'd given up on her yogurt and was just watching Derek, trying to find that thin line between saying too much and too little. It always seemed to shift where Derek was concerned.

"Is that the only reason you requested her?" Addison finally asked, knowing her tone had turned shrill and accusatory, but feeling powerless to stop it. "Because she's talented?"

"Addison…" Derek's voice was pure exasperation tinged with sadness. She nodded, bracing herself for a rant on the many medical skills of Meredith Grey. He looked around at the busy cafeteria and shook his head. "We can talk about this later. I need to go check on a patient." Derek had somehow managed to gather up the mess of papers as he spoke, and was rising out of his seat before Addison had a chance to speak. She blinked in surprise at the vacated chair.

"Right, we'll talk later…"

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"Mr. Prichard, how are you feeling?" questioned Meredith as she moved into the man's room. He had been laying back in his bed, eyes closed and seeming oddly peaceful despite the continuous tremors running through his hands. He looked up and smiled at Meredith.

"Very well Dr. Grey. Is it almost time for my surgery?"

"Yes, the OR is all ready for you. Dr. Shepherd will be up here in just a moment to see you, and then you'll be good to go." Emily Prichard let out a delighted squeal at Meredith's words and moved from her corner chair to perch her plump form precariously on the edge of her husband's bed. Meredith barely refrained from rolling her eyes. "Anyway Mr. Prichard," continued Meredith, returning her attention to the husband. "Do you have any last minute questions? Are you feeling comfortable with the idea of remaining conscious during the surgery?"

"Oh no, no worries," he said as a nurse wheeled in the bed that would transport him to the OR. "It's like a pacemaker for my brain." He looked down at his shaking hands somewhat sadly. "Help control all of this."

"Exactly," agreed Meredith, stepping back to let the nurse transfer him to the other bed. "You'll find yourself moving about much more easily afterwards." She smiled reassuringly at him, but felt her smile freeze on her face when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her accompanied by Emily's loud and sudden giggling.

"Well, how are we doing in here today?" His voice had switched to that friendly gentle tone he always used with patients, confident, reassuring, with an undercurrent of seriousness to it that made it easy to trust him. It always reminded Meredith of how he'd been when he found out about her mother. How, for a little while, he'd made her feel like she wasn't buried beneath this huge, impossible problem. Somehow, it had actually felt like something that she could handle. Meredith smiled wistfully, remembering how that feeling had vanished a long time ago, and forced herself to turn and look at Derek. For a moment, they both hesitated, he looking up from the chart in his hands, she forgetting what she had meant to say.

"The OR is ready Dr. Shepherd," she managed at last, whishing she hadn't sounded so flustered and breathy.

"Thank you Dr. Grey," he nodded, smiling as he closed the chart. They both paused again, the thin veil of professionalism that hid their relationship from the people in front of them suddenly feeling stranger then usual. "So do you have any questions Mr. Prichard?" Derek continued, turning to focus on the patient.

"Oh no, Dr. Grey explained it all very well," he began, only to be cut off by his wife.

"Yes, yes she did," she declared. "But she didn't need to you know, I'm not nervous at all. Not since Roger raved about how excellent you were, and then Dr. Grey agreed too." Emily waggled a plump hand in Meredith's direction for emphasis, the beaded bracelets on her arm clinking as she did. Meredith could see Derek smiling softly, trying not to seem to pleased at her words.

"Well I have done this procedure numerous times," he said fairly. Emily got up and waddled after them, holding her husband's hand as he went wheeling down the hall.

"And that's not all we learned from Dr. Grey," she continued. Derek tilted his head forward, looking curiously at Emily. But Meredith closed her eyes and wished she could disappear, sensing what was about to happen just a second before Emily spoke. "She tells us you're married," Emily announced in a sing-song voice, the type often used on a playground when children are teasing each other. Meredith could feel Derek's eyes on her, but she kept her attention trained on the blanket covering Mr. Prichard's legs. "Although I couldn't get anything else out of her," continued Emily when nobody replied. "Flat out refused to say any more!" She looked up at Derek as if he should find this shocking.

"That was very generous of her," said Derek quietly, and Meredith _almost_ smirked.

"Generous? Hardly! Stingy is what I'd say," laughed Emily as they all squeezed into an elevator. "When I was a young pretty thing like Dr. Grey, I knew all the gossip. Still do now, even though I'm old and soft, in my own circle, that is." She looked about the elevator proudly, her gaze landing again on Meredith. "Come on dear, there's still time," she said encouragingly. "Tell me something to entertain me while I wait!" Meredith shot a stricken look at Derek, which Mr. Prichard managed to intercept.

"Come on now darling," he said fondly, doing his best to pat her hand. "Let the doctors concentrate. They're about to go to work in my brain remember?" Emily nodded, her smile suddenly faltering just a little.

"You will take care of him, won't you Dr. Shepherd?" she asked plaintively, her laughter fading away as she spoke.

"Of course, I'll do my very best Mrs. Prichard," agreed Derek.

"Emily, doctor! Call me Emily!" she said instantly, her smile returning somewhat as he laughed and agreed. She turned to say her goodbyes to her husband as he was handed off to the scrub nurses.

"We'll see you in the OR in a few minutes Mr. Prichard," added Derek as he disappeared into the scrub room, leaving Meredith with no choice but to follow after him.

-----

The sound of water streaming from the faucets filled Meredith's ears. Somehow it seemed much louder then usual, jets of water pounding down into the cold silver basin of the sink and Derek's back to her, his hands dripping in the water and the soap. She walked over and turned on the other faucet, slipping her hands into the stream of water. It was too hot, burning even against her skin, but she didn't bother to adjust it. She stared straight ahead through the glass window, watching as Mr. Prichard was wheeled into the OR and situated around the machines. The water and the sting of the soap were making her hands feel raw, but that didn't bother her nearly as much as the thick pressure of Derek watching her or the prickling silence that had filled the room.

"She asked," said Meredith flatly, almost defensively, still staring straight ahead. She could practically hear Derek nodding as the faucets turned off and the water drained in round droplets from their hands.

"Well I am…married that is." He sounded a little bit helpless, and Meredith felt herself cycle through her increasingly familiar pattern of frustration, guilt and anger in the time it took him to hand her a towel. She wanted to be childish and take it without looking at him, but managed to smile at him a little.

"You are," she agreed quietly.

"Meredith…"

Meredith hesitated at the door to the OR, torn between frustration and the knowledge that they did need to talk, but finally allowing the sight of Mr. Prichard on the table to help her focus. "We have a patient waiting, Dr. Shepherd," she said simply, and let herself into the OR.

Meredith had never been able to pinpoint exactly what it was she loved about surgery. She thought maybe that it was the control, that in the OR there was only focus and purpose and action. The sort of messes that bogged down her everyday life were replaced with messes that were purely physical. In surgery, there was always a plan. There was always a way to go in and fix things, to heal. It never was like that outside of the OR. In the real, everyday world, healing was a mystery. Whenever she thought she'd fixed herself up, healed herself, a single comment could be enough to turn her raw and wounded again. Hell, even a look could be enough. _From Derek_, Meredith mentally corrected herself. _A look from Derek_. It was always him. Before him, relationships had been easy because she hadn't really cared. She'd never lost control because it was always purely physical, just like in the OR. But even with all the OR-mimicking control and simplicity of the purely physical, her relationships had always lacked that rush that was so inherent to the OR. It was the surgical rush, that heady, dizzy feeling that melted away everything beyond the goal of the surgery, making her almost painfully aware of what it was to be alive. Meredith wouldn't have guessed that it could exist outside of surgery, but it did. All she had to do was look Derek in the eyes, just really look. Not at him, but _into_ him, almost through him, and everything melted away. The people around them, the room they were in, even time seemed to stop. All that was left was her and Derek and that _rush_.

"I'm sorry about my wife."

The words somehow reached Meredith, pulling her slowly out of the spiral of her thoughts and away from the complex concentration of brain surgery. _Addison_… Meredith thought to herself. _Why is he talking about her now? _But when the voice spoke again, it wasn't Derek's. "I know she talks a lot. She can be a little giddy, but she means well." It was Mr. Prichard.

"Oh…no need to apologize," stammered Meredith quickly, stepping down from where she was observing and going around to face Mr. Prichard. "You seem very fond of her, like you're happy together. And that's all that really matters."

"It is, isn't it Dr. Grey?" He smiled warmly at her, looking up past his gently quivering hands.

"The probe is in," said Derek, speaking up beyond his usual litany of surgical commands.

"It is," echoed Meredith softly. And Mr. Prichard's hands finally stopped shaking.

-----

"What are you doing here?" asked Meredith as Christina walked into the locker room and sat down next to her.

"Bailey paged me," said Christina, leaning her head back against the metal door of a locker and closing her eyes.

"Bailey paged you? She paged me too."

"Maybe she's going to yell at you some more for being late, and didn't want me to miss the fun," suggested Christina.

"You know what? That's not funny. How could you, my supposed friend, bring up memories of my horrible breakfast date?"

"Yeah, it's really shocking isn't it," said Christina, smirking at the thought. "How's Finn? Broken his heart yet?"

"No," said Meredith huffily. "I'm not going to break Finn."

"Well, you broke George."

"That was…that's just…well, it's completely unrelated to this!" She shot Christina a look and quickly changed the subject. "How's Burke?"

"He's…" Christina sighed. "He's going to be fine." She paused for a second before she too quickly switched gears. "How's McDreamy?"

"I spent the whole day discussing his marital status with a patient," hissed Meredith, a pained look crossing her face as she spoke.

"Oww…" moaned Christina sympathetically, but before she could say more, the door to the locker room swung open and Bailey walked in.

"Grey, Yang." The two girls started to struggle to their feet, but Bailey raised a hand to stop them. "The on-call schedule hasn't been adjusted yet to accommodate Stevens leaving." Meredith nodded slowly, propping her head up with her hands. "Now Karev was on last night and O'Malley is on tomorrow, so that means Stevens' night falls to one of you." Christina groaned slightly, realizing what Bailey was saying. "I don't care what you do. Share it, flip for it, whatever makes you happy. Just get it done." She started to walk back out the door, but paused to look back at them, her expression somewhat softened. "And Grey…" Meredith looked up expectantly. "Tell Izzie to come in and see me. Surgery might not be for her, but there's still a lot of good that girl can do with four years of medical school." Meredith nodded and Bailey walked out, letting the door close with a gentle thud.

"Well…" said Christina after they'd sat in silence for a few minutes. "What were your plans for tonight?"

"I'm taking it," said Meredith simply, standing up and pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"What? Mer…no. I'll do it. You're the one who's all emotionally unstable with the live-in, grieving roommate. You should be at home with Izzie."

"And you're the one whose boyfriend took a bullet. Besides, George is better with Izzie and you suck at crosswords."

"Huh?" asked Christina, following her friend out of the locker room and back into the hospital.

"You need the practice," said Meredith pointedly, looking Christina in the eye. Christina hesitated for a moment, but gave in and nodded.

"Alright…thanks Mer." Meredith just shrugged and smiled. "Ooh don't look now," continued Christina, her face brightening into an amused smirk as she peered around Meredith. "But there's your ride."

"What?" asked Meredith, spinning around to find Derek walking out of an exam room. "Ok, that? Also not funny," she hissed at Christina. She paused as Derek looked up and their eyes locked from across the room. But before she could think of how to respond, Christina had linked arms with her and was dragging her quickly backwards. "What are you doing!" she asked as Derek shot the two of them a puzzled look.

"Shh….I'm saving you here," declared Christina, and she didn't let go of Meredith until she'd pulled her all the way down the hall and away from Derek.


	6. Ch 6: Find Comfort in Pain

_A/N - Here's the second part of the huge chapter I was working on. It's pretty much it's own chapter now though. Anyway, this is my favorite chapter. It's got the scene that gave me the idea for this story in it. So...hopefully you guys will enjoy it as well. All comments are appreciated!_

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Meredith was almost glad to be on-call. It was easy, busy, perfectly distracting. She didn't need to think about anything because there was always an excuse ready and waiting for her. A patient's IV fell out, someone in the ICU needed to be checked on, a nurse had a question. She was exhausted, but that was easy to ignore. She was an intern, she knew how to keep dragging her feet just a little bit further. Besides, feeling exhausted wasn't so bad. It was better then feeling broken and guilty. Meredith decided she would take the aching tired pain in her feet any day over the raw throbbing she usually felt in her heart.

But eventually, there was nothing left to do. Her patients were all sleeping, medicine lulling them into forgetfulness and rest. The night nurses had what little was left to do under control. Meredith fought the urge to just curl up in a ball in the middle of the hallway, and forced herself to walk a few more feet into an empty on-call room. She collapsed gratefully onto the bed, moaning a little as she lifted her legs in the air and let their soreness drain away. But after a few minutes of laying there, she still hadn't fallen into that thick rush of unconsciousness that was the on-call intern's sleep. She felt surprisingly awake, dangerously on the verge of going back to thinking about things. Meredith fumbled around in the pocket of her scrubs until her fingers grasped her phone. She pulled it out, thinking she could at least distract herself by calling home. Check on Izzie. Be a good friend. Try and do _something _right. Only, the little red light on her phone was blinking, flashing on and off threateningly at her.

Meredith sighed and flipped her phone open. She had a missed call from Finn, only one this time, and a message. Realizing she probably wouldn't get around to being a good friend after all, she dialed her voicemail. Finn's voice sounded a little scratchy over the recording, but it was friendly as always pressed against her ear.

"_Hey Meredith…I guess you're still at work. Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry about how things ended this morning. I know it's probably painful for you to talk about Derek…it's always painful to talk about the past. But thanks for telling me, it means a lot to me that you did. Oh, and I still have Doc's body here. I know you mentioned burying him, so let me know about that. Well…I guess call me back if you have the chance. I hope they don't work you too hard tonight."_

"Great…" muttered Meredith. "Fucking great…" Her fingers were itching to press delete, to get rid of the recorded kindness she knew she didn't deserve. But instead, she pressed replay and forced herself to listen to the message again. Finn's concern, his blindness to what she was doing to him left her with a bitter feeling in the pit of her stomach. She played the message five times, pushing the phone almost violently against her ear, until a tear slid from the corner of her eye and she gave in and pressed delete. But even with the message gone, the phone was still a heavy weight in her hand. Grudgingly she flipped it open again, blinking back tears as she dialed Finn's number. As the phone rang, she tried to decide what she would say. That she didn't deserve his plans? That she really hadn't been that honest with him? That she still loved Derek? Maybe he wouldn't pick up at all, then she could be absolved of some of her guilt without really having to do anything.

"Hello?"

"Hey Finn, it's me," stammered Meredith. "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."

"No, of course not. I was still up." His voice was groggy and sleep heavy, and Meredith knew he was probably lying. Still, it was a sweet little lie. A lot better then her specialty.

"I just wanted to call you back," she said softly. "I'm sorry about this morning…I'm apparently really bad at the whole honest discussion thing."

"It's alright. I didn't need a full blown dissertation on your past, I just wanted a few answers. And you gave me them." He sounded cheerful, almost teasing, and Meredith shook her head at the phone. She didn't understand how he could possibly consider their earlier conversation to be any sort of acceptable explanation.

"Finn…" She hesitated, wishing that she could just go ahead and break up with him. She was supposed to be good at destructive behavior, it should be easy to rip something as stable and safe as Finn out of her life. "I think we should…" Meredith rolled over onto her stomach, glaring down at the pillow. She could hear his breathing through the phone, soft and reassuring in her ear, and she wished bitterly that it was enough for her. "Talk about Doc," she finished lamely, hating the taste of the words in her mouth when there was so much else she knew she should say.

"Okay," he agreed. "You still want to bury him?"

"Yeah," breathed Meredith, her mind swarming with memories of Doc's death and Derek's hands. "Doc's dead," she said flatly, knowing that was a stupid obvious thing to say, but she'd been halfway to saying she loved Derek and had caught herself just in time.

"Yeah, I know Meredith. I know you must miss him."

"I do…umm," she hesitated, wanting to steer clear of anything that would cause him to send more undeserved sympathy her way. "Can you hold onto the body for a little while longer? I need to talk to Derek about it." That seemed to work. He was silent for a moment before answering.

"Of course." Finn's voice wasn't quite as concerned as it had been, and Meredith realized that, despite being sweet and understanding and almost perfect, he still wasn't all that fond of Derek Shepherd.

"Doc was his dog too," said Meredith softly. "We shared him…" She paused for a second before whispering "I should let you get some sleep" and hung up the phone before he had a chance to reply.

-----

Addison hadn't planned on still being at the hospital in the middle of the night. But there had been an emergency delivery, and she'd asked Derek to wait for her. Had to really since they'd took just one car to work, which Addison knew was a stupid thing for surgeons to do, but she'd been hoping that the silent enclosed space of the car would inspire them to talk. It hadn't, but now she was ready to go home, and she couldn't help but hope that the second car ride would accomplish what the first one hadn't. She walked over to the nurse's station, putting away the chart she'd been flipping through, and turning back around just in time to catch sight of her husband walking down the hall. "Derek, can we…" she called out to him impulsively, not sure what she wanted to say. But he didn't seem to hear her, just pushed open the door to one of the on call rooms and let the door slam shut behind him. "Go home," Addison finished softly, the words dying on her lips. He had looked so tired, walking down the hall with his shoulders hunched. She knew he'd probably just let her drive home. He'd lay back in the seat and close his eyes, saying that they'd talk later. That he was too tired to talk. Addison sighed in frustration as she walked towards the door. They always promised to talk later, but that didn't mean anything, because they never actually did. Addison knew they were great at the postponing, delaying and flat out ignoring of their problems. They weren't so hot at the actual talking.

She couldn't help but hesitate in front of the closed door, steeling herself to go on in. She tried to picture how she would open the door and sit down next to Derek without seeming too accusing. How maybe if she asked just right, he would finally talk to her. He'd lean back and look at her, apologizing as he gave her a perfectly logical explanation for why he'd been so strange the past few days. He'd take her hand in his and promise that his odd silence and frequent absence had nothing to do with Meredith. It was her, _Addison_, who he was trying to make things work with, not Meredith.

Addison smiled wryly, knowing the likelihood of that happening was pretty much zero. Her hand hovered over the door knob, as she reminded herself she would go in there and try anyway because that was what she and Derek did. It was either try or give up, and she didn't know how to give up. And if it failed, well, at least they could still go home and get some sleep. But before Addison could open the door, she felt the familiar buzzing of her pager shaking against her hip. "Dammit," she whispered, pulling her hand away from the doorknob to grab the pager. Halfway to walking away, Addison turned back to memorize the room number. _#4714 _As she jogged down the hall to answer the page, she promised herself she'd come back as soon as she'd finished. Derek could sleep for a little while, but she'd come back before her sudden burst of relationship bravery vanished. She'd come back and they would finally talk.

-----

Meredith heard the door open, but she couldn't see who it was. She had her arm pressed over her eyes, blocking out the light that she hadn't bothered to turn off. Slowly she shifted her arm off her face and opened an eye, squinting to focus in the sudden brightness on the figure leaning against the door. Tall, dark haired…she didn't need two guesses to know who it was. "Derek?" she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "Did I miss a page?" She fumbled for her pager, suddenly afraid that she had fallen asleep without noticing it. "Am I supposed to be somewhere?"

"No, no you're fine Meredith," he soothed, walking over to sit down in the plastic folding chair that rested opposite the bed. Meredith frowned, her confusion melting away to relief and quickly turning into annoyance.

"Then why are you here?" she asked accusingly. "How did you know where to find me?"

"Christina told me."

"Christina told you?" Meredith laughed a little, more out of shock then anything else. "You actually risked speaking to her and she actually answered you…nonviolently?"

"Yeah," answered Derek, sounding rather surprised himself. "She didn't seem happy to see me, but…" His voice trailed off, and he looked down at the floor.

"Yeah, well…she knows. How did you expect her to react? You're not exactly popular with my friends," said Meredith quietly.

"I know." He sighed and looked back up at Meredith. His eyes appeared almost painfully blue in the harsh light of the on-call room, and Meredith could see the exhaustion written into his face. "Can't we talk though Mer? About why we did what we…"

"Derek," said Meredith quickly, cutting him off. A burning chorus of _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou _was starting to build up inside her mind, and she knew if she let him keep talking she'd end up blurting it out. Meredith had absolutely no desire to let him know how she felt, not after what had happened the last time she told Derek Shepherd she loved him. She didn't want to take the risk of finding out that, once again, her love wasn't enough. "I don't know what you want me to say," she said softly. "I don't know what there is to say."

"You talked to Christina," he countered, hurt seeping around the edges of his voice.

"That's different," blurted Meredith. "She's my friend."

"I'm your friend too."

"No…you and me." Meredith snorted derisively and gestured between the two of them. "We don't know how to be friends. We'll never be _friends_."

"What…you just want to pretend it never happened?" he asked quietly. Meredith shrugged and stared intently at the bottom of her shoe. "I can't do that Meredith," he said desperately. "It kills me not to be with you…won't you please just talk to me?" Meredith looked back up, pushing her long bangs out of her eyes. Derek was leaning forward, watching her intently. She almost nodded, but forced herself to ask a final question.

"Have you talked to Addison?" The words made her mouth feel numb because she was sure she knew what the answer would be.

"Not yet, but Mer I…"

"See, nothing to talk about!" snapped Meredith, scooting angrily back on the bed away from him. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Have you talked to Finn?" he countered. Meredith glared at him, almost amazed at how easily she shifted from understanding to anger, from love to hate.

"Derek, don't you even try to put that on the same level," she said, her voice rising rapidly. "Finn does not equal Addison. A guy I've gone out with a few times is not the same thing as your wife. The woman you've been _married _to for eleven fucking years!" Derek opened his mouth to speak, but she raised her hand to silence him. "Dammit Derek, it's not the same thing. Okay? It's just not the same thing!" Meredith sunk back against the wall, her entire body shaking.

"Okay," he agreed quietly. "They're not the same thing." Meredith nodded her head.

"They're not…" Her voice was quiet, his agreement suddenly draining away all her anger and leaving only the familiar thick layer of guilt. Meredith sniffled, fighting back a wave of tears. "They're not the same thing, but that doesn't make mine any less horrible. I'm still a bad person. No…I'm a horrible person." She paused, gulping for air as tears started to trickle down her cheeks.

"Meredith," whispered Derek, and she shook her head fiercely, knowing what his reply would be before he even spoke. "You're not a horrible person."

"I am," she said stubbornly, turning away from him to face the corner of the room. "I'm a miserable, cheating, dirty mistress and that equals a horrible person. Now go away, and let me hate myself in peace!" She heard the chair scrape against the tile of the floor as Derek stood up.

"You're not horrible," he repeated, his voice somehow both firm and gentle. "Besides, whatever you are, I'm sure to be worse," he added ruefully.

"Why are we like this?" whispered Meredith, still avoiding his eyes. "Why do we have to be so good at the pain and the hurting?"

"I don't know," said Derek quietly, moving to sit down beside her on the bed.

"Don't…" whimpered Meredith as she felt the bed shift under his weight. She could feel the hard edge of his pager pressing against her hip and the phantom tingling all along her leg from the closeness of their not-quite-touching thighs. She stared purposely straight ahead, trying to pretend that tears weren't rolling down her cheeks and leaving telltale spots on her scrubs. She tried to focus only on breathing, and ignore the way her anger and frustration and sadness were all suddenly swirling away and leaving her breathless just because Derek was so near to her. But then he reached out and cupped her face gently with his hands, fingers pausing to brush away a damp strand of her hair. Meredith couldn't bring herself to fight the movement of his wrists as they turned her face towards him. She blinked rapidly, feeling fresh tears spill from her eyes followed by the familiar pressure of Derek's thumbs as he wiped them away. He didn't say anything, just looked at her intently, his eyes both burning and serious. Their faces were so close together that they could barely see anything besides each other's eyes, and they sat there silently, forcing themselves to drown in their mirrored wells of longing and guilt and grief.

Meredith kept telling herself to look away, but she felt as if she would die if she did. And so she stayed there, falling and drowning into his eyes, feeling miserable and wretched and completely unable to look away. There was something in Derek's eyes that told her he wasn't doing this to toy with her, that he was in as much pain as she was, that he was still holding her face _this close_ to his because to let go, to pull away, was unthinkable. So it wasn't really that much of a surprise when Meredith felt his lips pressed against hers. She wasn't sure if she had leaned into him, or if he had pulled her towards him, but she supposed that didn't actually make much of a difference. All that really mattered was that their mouths were melting together in desperate, hungry kisses, the sort of kisses that screamed of need. Kisses that Meredith knew would leave her lips swollen and throbbing because their teeth were clinking almost violently together. They didn't bother to pull away for air, but breathed against each other's lips, gasping at flesh instead of oxygen. Derek had already pulled her hair out of its ponytail, fingers tangling up in the sudden downward tumble of long blonde hair as she blinked away the last of her tears, letting them fall down to evaporate between the two of them.

Meredith was finding it harder and harder to form coherent thoughts because Derek's hands had moved downward, slipping beneath the thin fabric of her shirt, and the brush of his hand skimming over her stomach made her mind go numb. She knew that this was nothing like a fairytale, that they were so far from perfect it hurt. But he had pushed away her bra and untied her scrubs, and his fingers moved so confidently, slipped and curled and thrust so precisely inside of her that she was forced to remember that his hands could save lives. And even though that was common knowledge, the thought thrilled her and sent her reeling forward, gasping against his chest.

She wasn't sure when her last thread of resistance broke. She was starting to think there was no such thing as resistance where Derek was concerned, because her body screamed at her until she wrapped her legs around him, her nails tracing red lines down his back and over his arms as he lifted her to pin her between him and the wall. His body was a warm and needy pressure against hers, and he kissed her with his eyes wide open. Kissed her, and touched her, and held her in a way that was so desperate and urgent that the sharp stinging guilt of cheating was turned into something vague and dull. Filling its place was a moment of stolen ecstasy, brutally brief and fragile, when…for a little while, they looked each other in the eyes and managed to forget the world.

-----

Addison rode the elevator back up to the fourth floor, a cup of coffee grasped firmly in each hand. One for her, one for her husband. She'd gotten his favorite, from the tiny little shop down the street. She'd been shocked to find it still open, but it had been, and she'd bought two great steaming cups. She walked slowly down the wide hall, past the nurse's station, scanning around for room #4714. Just as she caught sight of it, the door swung open. Addison smiled, instinctively lifting the cup of coffee she'd bought for Derek. But her smile faltered when she realized it wasn't Derek who walked out of the door. It was a slender, little blonde. A slender blonde with flushed cheeks and the all too familiar face of Meredith Grey. Meredith was running a hand over her messy hair, trying to smooth it into a ponytail while she anxiously straightened her scrubs with her other hand. Addison stared at her in shock until Meredith looked up and saw her. She stopped dead in her tracks, a horrified expression crossing her face. And then she simply turned around and scurried quickly down the hall.

Addison walked over to the empty nurse's station, sinking down into a chair behind the counter. Her mind was reeling but she couldn't tear her eyes from the door. For a moment it stayed shut, and Addison almost let herself breathe a sigh of relief. Almost let herself dive back beneath the sweet veil of coincidences and denial and excuses. But the door opened again, and she couldn't. Addison felt the coffee fall from her hands, but she didn't care. The thought at the back of her mind, the vague suspicion that she hardly ever let herself consider, was suddenly thrust undeniably forward. She didn't have to consider possibilities, she didn't have to think about it. She just knew. Her husband was sleeping with Meredith Grey. It was a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach, and as she watched him disappear down the hall, she _knew _it was true.


	7. Ch 7: No Illusions

_A/N - Thanks so much for the comments everyone. I know I say that every chapter, but seriously, they make the writing so worthwhile. So thanks!_

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Apparently, volunteering to cover Izzie's shift had caused Bailey to forget Meredith had been late the day before. Halfway through the afternoon, Meredith found herself being told she could go home. She could go sleep. She didn't have to come back until tomorrow. Meredith felt profoundly relieved at the idea of escaping the hospital for a little while. She'd been walking around in a haze all day. She hadn't had a chance to talk to Christina about what she had done. When they met before rounds, Christina's eyes looked curiously red, as if she'd been crying, and Meredith knew better then to ask her why. Instead she'd just cornered Bailey and suggested she assign Christina to the spinal surgery Shepherd was doing. The major, eight hour long surgery he was performing. Bailey had looked at her as if she was crazy for actually making a suggestion to her Resident, but after a moment, she had nodded. Some people turn to cookies and ice cream to feel better. Others need to hold a scalpel or two. And it had worked. When Bailey assigned Christina to the case, her whole face had lit up and she'd started raving about vertebrae. Still, it meant Christina was in surgery with Shepherd. Meredith couldn't talk to her and the last time she had seen Derek she'd been grinning up at him as he retied her scrubs for her, their bodies still drunk with each other. That had been before she walked out of the room and face to face with Addison. Meredith felt herself shudder at the memory of Addison staring at her, her face expressionless but her eyes as cold and piercing as ice. Magically, she hadn't ran into Addison since then. But the knowledge that it was possible for Addison to show up at any moment had been making Meredith terribly antsy. And so, she didn't protest for a second when Bailey suggested she take the afternoon off and catch up on her rest. Instead, she practically flew out of the hospital.

Meredith knew Bailey's idea of rest probably differed somewhat from her own. She hadn't gone home at all. Instead, she'd gotten in her car and driven all of 40 seconds across the street and into the small parking lot of Joe's bar. Meredith had never been there so early, and for a moment she was worried that Joe wouldn't have opened up yet. However, the door swung inward easily on its hinges and she walked into the cool dim room of the bar. It was practically empty inside. A couple sat at a corner table, heads tilted together in quiet conversation. Joe was leaning on the counter, flipping idly through a magazine, but he looked up and grinned as she walked in.

"Well if it isn't Meredith Grey. Shouldn't you be off saving someone's life right about now?"

"Nuh uh," mumbled Meredith, hopping up onto a barstool. "Bailey gave me the afternoon off." Joe shot her an incredulous look and she laughed. "I know, it's crazy isn't it? But I took Izzie's shift…maybe Bailey's going soft after all."

"I always knew she had it in her," said Joe. Meredith motioned for a drink, causing Joe to grin and shake his head. "You are starting early today aren't you?" He filled a shot glass with tequila and handed it to her. She traced a finger around the edge of the glass before lifting it and letting the alcohol slide slowly down her throat. The burning sensation started at her lips and followed the drink all the way down. Meredith sighed, there was something familiar, almost comforting about the mild stinging pain.

"Being proactive," she answered at last, causing Joe to frown at her in confusion. "Well you see, I've been walking around in a daze all day, just waiting for the guilt to kick in. It hasn't yet…I think I must be in shock. But it will kick in, and hard." She paused, shrugging. "I'm just trying to get a head start on all the numbing and distracting myself I'm going to have to do."

"So you're a sensible drunk."

"Yes," agreed Meredith, pausing to swallow a second shot. "With a plan. I'm a sensible drunk with a plan."

"That's my favorite type," said Joe affectionately. "Now, this impending guilt, it doesn't possibly have anything to do with McSteamy does it?" Meredith frowned up at him.

"Dreamy Joe, McDreamy." She moaned and let her head fall into her hands. "And yes it does, and how do you know?"

"George and Callie told me. They were…"

"Seriously?" interrupted Meredith. "George and Callie told you?" She spun around on the barstool, checking to see if anyone from the hospital had walked in, but the bar was still empty save for the couple in the corner. "Great…this is just great. All of Seattle now knows who I'm sleeping with!" She moaned again, leaning forward to whack her head against the wooden countertop. Joe reached out and patted her on the head, further ruffling her messy hair.

"I don't think the whole city knows Mer," he said gently, but Meredith sat up and glared at him, shaking her head furiously.

"Addison knows. At least, I am 99.99 percent sure that she knows." She paused and looked down at her empty glass. "Joe, I'm going to need more tequila. Actually, you could just stick a straw in that bottle and hand it to me." She motioned toward the bottle in Joe's hand. "That'd work nicely." Joe laughed and shook his head, refilling her shot glass instead.

"See, then all my customers would want one, and I just don't have enough straws." Meredith grabbed the glass from him, throwing the tequila down her throat, and glared at him until he refilled it. She'd been wrong about the guilt, or at least her strategy for dealing with it. It was definitely there, filling her with a heavy pained feeling that reminded her of how she'd felt after the prom when she lay crying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. "Now, what about Addison?" She heard Joe's voice, coaxing her to talk more instead of drink more, and she sighed and looked up at him.

"Yeah, last night she was standing there…" mumbled Meredith. "Right outside the room where we were… and she saw me when I walked out." Meredith bit nervously on her lip. "She didn't see us together, but he was still in there…she had to have seen him when he came out." Joe raised his eyebrows, looking rather surprised at her words, but he didn't say anything. "Oh Joe…this is bad," moaned Meredith. "I'm a bad friend, a bad person, a bad mistress. Well no, I'm a good mistress. I'm good at screwing the married men, but ugh…that makes me bad." She paused, frowning down at her again emptied glass. The rush of tequila was not only burning her lips but loosening them. "I'm rambling. I'm sorry, I know I am. Tell me something Joe. Talk to me. Anything! Distract me from my vapid, narcissistic ways." Joe laughed at her, but nodded his agreement.

"How's Izzie doing?" he asked, his tone immediately turning gentle.

"I don't know Joe," said Meredith worriedly, Izzie's grief having a momentarily sobering effect on her. "I haven't seen her much because of work, but the last time I saw her she was disturbingly happy. Like screw-loose, crazy-freak type happy…"

"Do you think it'd help if I stopped by to visit her? My days are usually pretty light, and I know it can sometimes be hard to be alone after someone you love dies." He seemed slightly hesitant, as if worried Meredith would disapprove. However she just smiled and nodded her head.

"That'd be real nice. I think she'd really like that. I mean, you're like practically part of our family." Joe nodded happily and moved away to tend to some customers who had just entered. Meredith went back to staring down into her drink. The alcohol was starting to do its job. The memory of Addison's eyes boring through her no longer felt like a knife to her stomach, just a vaguely uncomfortable thought that could be numbed with more alcohol. Meredith wasn't sure how long she sat there, but eventually Joe made his way back to her to refill her drink.

"What do you think of Derek?" she blurted out.

"Dr. Shepherd? Well…the man did save my life, so I suppose I have a slight bias there," teased Joe.

"No Joe, seriously," continued Meredith, pausing to swallow another glass full of tequila. "Am I just being stupid here? Well yes…obviously I am. But, should I not love him?" She looked helplessly up at Joe. "It'd be so much easier if I didn't," she said quietly.

"He's not perfect Meredith," said Joe heavily. "Not at all, but he's not a bad man. He works hard, really cares for his patients." He paused and sighed, absently wiping down the counter. "But if he doesn't see that you deserve more then to be his mistress…Meredith?" Meredith stared fixedly at the counter, avoiding Joe's eyes. "Meredith," he repeated. "Don't you want more then to be someone's mistress?" She didn't answer, just reached out and took the bottle of tequila from him, refilling her own glass. She turned her attention back to the grooves and nicks in the countertop, not looking up again until another customer had called Joe away. Meredith just let herself sit there, ignoring the people around her as the bar filled up. She didn't know how long she sat there and she didn't really care. It was best just to sit there and try to feel nothing at all. The hot, bitter taste in her mouth from too many drinks helped distract her. However, her thoughts kept drifting back to the very first time she'd sat at the bar, the very first time she met Derek. "Meredith?" asked Joe, walking back over to her.

"I met Derek here," she said softly.

"I know," he nodded.

"So you know, since this is your bar, I kinda have to blame you for all of this Joe." She smiled for a moment as he laughed and agreed to share the blame, but the memory of Derek sitting next to her as two, drunken, flirting strangers kept resurfacing. "I have to go," she stammered, fumbling about in her purse. "This is _all _reminding me of Derek…dammit!" Unable to find what she was looking for, she flipped her purse upside-down, emptying its contents all over the counter. She started to rummage through the pile, cursing as she searched.

"Meredith…why is your stuff all over my bar?" Joe picked up a large, purple bottle of lotion. "Lotion, a toothbrush…slippers?" He grabbed her hands. "What are you looking for?"

"My wallet," moaned Meredith. "I must of left it in my locker. Great, just great. I've got to go get it." She spun around, nearly falling off her stool. "Will you watch my stuff?"

"Meredith…Meredith," repeated Joe. "Trust me, you do not want to walk through your job this drunk. You can get your wallet tomorrow, and I'll just put your drinks on Dr. Shepherd's tab." He winked at her. "It's the least he can do."

"Ok," she agreed quietly, the corner of her mouth twitching into a half smile. "Still, I have to go." She grabbed her keys, and shoved the rest of her stuff back into her purse.

"Oh, you are so not driving," said Joe, spotting the keys glinting in her hand.

"Like hell I am," she snapped, feeling suddenly angry.

"Meredith…" She turned around to glare at him, but tripped over her feet and almost slammed into the counter. "See?" he said pointedly.

"Fine," she muttered grudgingly. "Fine…I won't drive okay?" She steadied herself and started to walk away again.

"Do you want me to call you a cab?" offered Joe, causing Meredith to whirl around one more time.

"No." She fished around in the pocket of her jacket. "I have a phone," she hissed, holding up her cell phone for him to see. She staggered to the door, stumbling once more on her way out, and let herself sink down onto the stone steps outside.

-----

Meredith was trying to decide if she had done a stupid thing in calling Finn. She figured she probably had, but it had seemed like a good idea when her fingers were doing the dialing. George was still at work, and she knew Christina probably just wanted to be with Burke. She couldn't bring herself to ask Izzie to come get her, and Derek was out of the question. That pretty much just left Alex and Finn. Somehow, Meredith couldn't quite remember why, she'd decided it would be better to call Finn. She moaned and rested her head against the railing on the stairs, rubbing the back of her hand over her bleary eyes. She hadn't realized it would be dark outside, hadn't realized she had spent the whole afternoon at Joe's. But it was definitely night out. The sky was a velvety blue-black, dotted with street lights and neon signs and a few distant stars. The air was cool as it blew across her face, and Meredith unzipped her jacket, hoping the coldness would have a sobering effect on her. She was still busy trying to come up with reasons to call Finn and cancel when she saw his car pull up.

"Meredith, are you alright?" he asked as he got out the car. "You sounded really messed up on the phone. Did something bad happen?"

"Alcohol Finn," said Meredith thickly, turning to shoot an obvious glare at the neon bar sign hanging above her. "I'm scary and damaged, remember?" she said bitterly as he helped her to her feet.

"But what happened? Why'd you go get so drunk?" He walked her around to the passenger side of his car and pulled the door open. "What's wrong Meredith?" he asked gently, lines of concern creasing his face.

"I don't want to talk about it," mumbled Meredith, slipping into the seat. "Please…Finn, just take me home." He sighed but nodded, and walked back around to the other side. Meredith leaned back in the seat, watching the blur of lights and cars as he pulled out of the lot and began to drive. She couldn't bring herself to speak. She was feeling dangerously on the verge of tears, and the way he turned to look worriedly at her at every red light was only making the feeling worse. _Just breathe,_ she reminded herself over and over until the car finally slowed down and pulled into her driveway.

"Meredith," said Finn softly. "Mer…" She sighed and turned to look at him, the waves of his hair were casting little shadows across his forehead. He reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes, and before Meredith knew what she was doing, she had put a hand on his leg and leaned forward, kissing him. It was a strange feeling, the rush of tequila that usually had her wild and ripping off every last shred of clothing, was holding her curiously still. Their lips were just touching, pressed softly together, his hand hovering hesitantly against her back. There was no longing, no excitement, not even the slightest tingling of lust. She felt only emptiness and a little sadness, and so Meredith opened her eyes.

"I love him," she whispered, her lips brushing against his as she spoke.

"You love him…" Finn echoed, his hand falling away from her back.

"I do," said Meredith softly, pulling away from Finn and sitting back in her seat. "I'm sorry…I don't mean to still love him. I've been trying for so long to stop, but I just can't."

"Derek?" he asked quietly, turning in his seat to look at her. Meredith nodded her head, feeling tears once again start spilling from her eyes.

"You're a great guy Finn," she stammered. "I don't deserve you. That's actually a huge understatement. You have no idea just how much I don't deserve you."

"Meredith, I know it's hard to get over someone you love. I get that, but…Derek's married. Don't you want to try to move on?" His voice was gentle and encouraging, as if he had complete faith in her ability to get over Derek. But Meredith just shook her head and stared intently at her hands. She was gripping her purse tightly, her lips starting to tremble at the thought of what she was about to say.

"I'm still…" Her voice broke and she paused, swallowing and taking a deep breath before trying again. "I'm still sleeping with him, Finn." Her words were met by silence, and so she forced herself to keep talking. "I'm sorry…I know it's horrible. Please, at least believe me that I know it's horrible. Derek and I…we…I don't even know how to begin explaining us, and you probably don't really want to know. And I know there's probably a good chance I'll turn bitter because of him." Meredith sighed, her mind suddenly filling with memories of her mother. "That I'll end up heartbroken and alone because I can't stop loving him…I know that." She twisted in her seat to look at Finn, who was staring at her in silence. His mouth was gaping slightly and his eyes were wide and expressionless. "But that's no excuse for me to drag you down with me," she whispered. Meredith brushed away the tears that were falling down her cheek. "I'm sorry Finn," she repeated. "But I wanted to at least try and get this one thing right, to actually be honest with you. I know you probably don't want to even look at me anymore though, so I'm just gonna go," she mumbled, slipping her purse on over her shoulder.

Meredith turned to leave, but looked back at him as her hand found the handle on the door. "Thank you…for being so sweet and so perfect and so understanding. It's not you Finn, it's totally and completely me. I know that's what everyone says when they break up with someone, so I'll just stop that now," she stammered, opening the door and stepping out. "But it _is _true," she whispered as she glanced back at him one final time before she closed the door and walked to her house, leaving him sitting there staring out at the darkness.

-----

Meredith sighed and collapsed against the closed door of her house, brushing away the tears that stained her cheek. Her whole house smelt amazing, and growing curious, Meredith made her way down the hall and into the kitchen. Meredith froze in the doorway, wondering if her house really had turned into Candyland or is she was just far more drunk then she had imagined. The center table was covered with cakes. Some were bare, just naked forms waiting to be decorated. Others were partially frosted. A few had been completely finished, adorned with icing and swirls of colored frosting and fruit toppings. Trays of cookies and cupcakes covered the counters, dirty bowls and spoons filled the sink, a bag of flour had toppled over and spilled onto a chair. "What happened here?" muttered Meredith, spinning around to take in all of the room.

"Me," came a quiet voice from somewhere on the floor. Meredith rushed forward to find Izzie sitting in a corner, her back against the stove. She had a dirty apron on and was holding a huge plate of brownies in her lap.

"Izzie," murmured Meredith, sinking down to sit beside her. "You've been baking…" Izzie nodded and took a bite of the brownie she had in her hand.

"I told George I couldn't think about De…" she stopped, catching herself before she said his name. "About sad things, and he said okay. We made cookies. It helped a little, but then he went to work and…" She looked at Meredith and sighed. "I didn't want to stop, didn't want to go back to thinking about everything. So you know, I just kept baking. Only now," she gestured around at the overflowing kitchen. "I don't think there's anything left to make." Meredith wasn't sure what to say, so she slipped her arm around Izzie and hugged her. "Nothing tastes right though," she continued plaintively. "I think I've forgotten how to bake." She thrust a brownie at Meredith. "Taste this." Meredith frowned but took the brownie.

"It tastes good Iz, seriously. Your stuff's always good." Somehow Izzie seemed relieved by this because she sighed and smiled a little.

"You know…I see him when I close my eyes," she whispered. "I wish I didn't see him. I wish I could forget." A tear fell from her eye, but she wiped it hastily away.

"Yeah," said Meredith quietly. "Hold on." With her free arm she pulled open the cabinet by her feet.

"Meredith, what are you doing?" asked Izzie curiously, as Meredith leaned forward, digging around in the cabinet. "You're drinking?" Meredith had pulled out a half-empty bottle of tequila and was twisting the lid off. Meredith looked up sheepishly, but shrugged her agreement. "You had sex," said Izzie flatly.

"What? How do you know?" The bottle had been halfway to her mouth, but she set it down in surprise.

"Meredith Grey, your problems are always due to alcohol or sex or alcohol _and _sex. But seriously, relax. It was a temporary celibacy vow, until you stopped being stupid. It didn't mean you could never sleep with Finn."

"I broke up with Finn five minutes ago," muttered Meredith, letting a warm disgusting swallow of tequila wash down her throat.

"The sex was that bad?" asked Izzie incredulously.

"No…good sex. Very, very good sex."

"Mer, you didn't!" gasped Izzie, understanding instantly.

"I did," moaned Meredith. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything. We were talking about you, not me." Izzie shrugged and shook her head.

"You're stupid Meredith, and two weeks ago," she sniffed, feeling tears starting to spill down her face. "Two weeks ago, I would've lectured you about it. But right now…could we just sit here and be miserable together?" she asked quietly. Meredith nodded. "Want some of my medicine?" She pushed the plate of brownies towards Meredith who took one halfheartedly. Izzie leaned her head on Meredith's shoulder as the sound of the doorbell rang out.

Meredith groaned at the sound, trying to ignore the possibility of finding either Derek or Finn on her doorstep. "Hold on Iz," she said gently as she got to her feet. "Have some of my medicine." She passed the tequila to Izzie and ran to get the door, her mouth dropping as she opened it.

"Christina?"

Christina was standing outside, her jacket pulled tightly around her. "Good, you're home," she said as she walked inside. "Burke sent me home. He said I needed to sleep in something other then a chair. Only that's so not why he sent me home." She was talking very fast, and her voice had an odd strained note to it. "I was telling him about assisting on the spinal surgery Mer. Only it's like there's this huge freaking elephant in the room because he can barely hold a glass of juice in his hand. And how can you do surgery if you can't even drink juice?" Christina sighed and looked at Meredith, shaking her head in disbelief. "I actually cried," she said quietly. "He hasn't seen me cry since the baby…I haven't cried, I don't cry Mer. And then he sent me home to get some rest and get him some stuff, only I can't go there. It's all _Burke_ there!"

"Okay," said Meredith calmly, pulling Christina further inside the house. "I have a couch, or a bed. Whatever you'd prefer." She paused and looked at Christina, who was frowning at her. "What?"

"You're drunk. You smell like a bar." Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Quick version or long version?"

"Quick," said Christina immediately.

"I just broke up with Finn, I'm pretty much having an affair with Derek and I think Addison knows." Christina just laughed, shaking her head as she peeled off her jacket.

"My problems? They kick your problems' ass," she said proudly. Meredith nodded as the sound of Izzie calling for them floated out into the hall. "Izzie?" asked Christina, walking into the kitchen. "What the hell is going on…" She stopped short at the sight of the small tornado in the kitchen. Meredith sat back down next to Izzie, wrapping her arm around her again. Izzie leaned her head onto Meredith's shoulder.

"We're just sitting here, being miserable together," she said quietly.

"It helps," agreed Meredith as she stretched her legs out over an emptied box of cake mix. Christina sighed and kicked off her shoes, walking over to where they sat by the stove.

"Sounds good to me," she said, and she laid down on the floor next to them and closed her eyes.


	8. Ch 8: Words Left Unspoken

Meredith moaned and opened her eyes. She wasn't quite sure where she was, but she could hear the sound of snoring not far from her. The sound seemed way too loud and was making her head throb. Meredith coughed, her throat felt dry and her mouth seemed to have been lined with cardboard during the night. Slowly she pushed herself up, leaning back against the smooth surface of a stove, as her memory started to float back to her. The source of the snoring was Christina, who was laying next to her, an arm draped over a half eaten plate of brownies. They were sitting in the aftermath of hurricane Izzie, who lay curled up in a little ball, her head resting against Meredith's leg. Meredith pressed a hand to her temple as the memory of Finn listening to her confession in shocked silence came floating back to her. Meredith shook her head as if to get rid of the thought, but the slight motion made her wince in pain. She caught sight of an empty tequila bottle laying on the floor next to her, and the memory of Derek pushing her easily against the wall of the on-call room jumped to the forefront of her mind. She shivered instinctively and glared at the bottle. "You didn't do your job," she mumbled thickly. She could still remember the cold and piercing look Addison had given her and Meredith let her head fall into her hands. Her mind felt heavy and slow, and the idea of figuring out what to do with the mess she'd made of her life seemed impossible. Meredith looked grudgingly back at the peacefully sleeping Izzie and wished she could just curl back up beside her. "Great," muttered Meredith, forcing herself to her feet. "Now I'm jealous of the girl whose boyfriend _died_."

She turned to look back at Izzie, but standing up had made the room start to spin. Meredith felt her stomach lurch and she staggered quickly to the bathroom to throw up. She didn't reemerge until she'd emptied her stomach several times and then forced herself to take a shower. By the time she went back to the kitchen, Christina was awake and making a pot of coffee.

"You look like crap," she said, by way of greeting.

"Ugh…shut up," groaned Meredith, climbing up on the counter to get two clean mugs. "You look worse." Meredith had a point. While she looked almost deathly pale and her eyes were tinted red, she had at least taken a shower and gotten dressed. Christina's hair was still wild and speckled with flour from sleeping on the floor, and the pattern of the tile had left little indents on her cheek and her arm. "Coffee," she demanded, pointing at the now ready pot on the counter. After they had sat staring into their mugs of coffee, burning their tongues as they rushed to drink as soon as they'd poured, Christina looked up at frowned at Meredith.

"So seriously, an affair?"

"Well no," began Meredith, looking thoughtfully at the dirty counter. "I mean, once is a mistake but twice…does that count as an affair? Ugh, it does, doesn't it?" She moaned and got up to get more coffee.

"Eh…no, it just makes you stupid Mer. Stupid and lacking in self control. Oh, and did I mention, mind numbingly stupid?" She frowned at Meredith. "You need to talk to him, not _straddle _him."

"I know, I know…no more sex." Meredith stared uncomfortably down into her coffee cup.

"Exactly. No sex for you," agreed Christina, banging her mug on the counter for emphasis.

"Oww…"moaned Meredith. "Don't be so loud. And I hope you realize no more sex means I am going to have to avoid Derek for the rest of my life. I am crap at self control." Christina just smirked, and Meredith felt suddenly eager to change the topic. "What about you and Burke?" she asked, but Christina laughed and shook her head as she got up to toss her empty mug into the sink.

"I don't do discussions of my feelings before 6 am. We'll be fine." She grabbed her bag off the floor and slipped her shoes back on. "I've got to go, I still need to get Burke's stuff and take a shower." She paused and smiled at Meredith. "But thanks Mer. Oh, and try to at least make it to rounds without sleeping with anyone today!"

"That? Was not nice!" called Meredith to Christina's back as the door slammed shut. She set down her coffee and turned to look at Izzie still sleeping on the floor. "Iz…" she whispered, shaking her friend's shoulder. "Come on, wake up. We've got a nice couch just in the other room." Izzie slowly lifted her head and blinked at her.

"Where are you going?" she mumbled.

"Taking you to the couch, and then I'm going to work."

"Oh," said Izzie quietly, looking down at her hands.

"You know, you could come too," offered Meredith gently. "Bailey wants to talk to you." But Izzie instantly shook her head, her eyes starting to glisten.

"No, no I can't…not yet. It's too soon Mer, please. I can't!" She sounded frantic, as if terrified that Meredith would force her into the hospital.

"Shhh, it's okay," Meredith soothed as she led Izzie to the couch. "You don't have to. Joe said he might come by and visit you though. Would you like that?" Izzie nodded her head and let Meredith pull the blanket over her. "Okay, you just sleep Izzie," whispered Meredith, watching sadly as her friend curled back up into a little ball, one hand pressed against her tearstained cheek.

-----

Somehow, it felt odd to walk back into the hospital. Instead of providing a distraction from her thoughts, it filled Meredith with a tense, nervous feeling. She scurried across the lobby, looking about anxiously for any sign of Addison or Derek. _Great, _she thought to herself. _Now I'm not only a dirty mistress, but a paranoid dirty mistress. _In an effort to prove to herself that she wasn't paranoid, Meredith forced herself to wait for the elevator instead of taking the stairs. When the silver doors slid open, the elevator was mercifully empty. She walked in and breathed a sigh of relief, reminding herself that she was overreacting. That she could handle elevators. However, the elevator stopped unexpectedly on the second floor. As she stepped back to make room for Derek to get on, she silently cursed her decision.

"Morning," he said cheerfully. She glanced awkwardly at Derek. He was smiling more then he had in a long time, his eyes piercing straight through her as he leaned against the wall. Meredith tilted her head curiously at him, waiting for him to say something about finally talking to Addison, but he only smiled at her some more. Meredith sighed in frustration and looked intently at the floor, trying to pretend that they weren't alone in an elevator together. He walked over to stand in front of her, and Meredith turned her face to look at the wall. "What?" asked Derek, his voice still light and teasing. "Now you're not talking to me?"

"No, I'm not," agreed Meredith, backing up and leaning her aching head against the wall. "Every time you and I are alone and we try to talk, we end up having sex." Derek smirked as she looked pointedly around the small elevator. "And we're alone now, so I am definitely not talking to you."

"So, now you want to have sex in an elevator?" Derek leaned forward, his face was only a few inches away from hers. Meredith smiled for a second, tilting her head so that she was looking up into his eyes as his hand slipped easily around the curve of her waist. She felt her heart starting to race, and she almost sighed in agreement. She felt like she was floating, somehow standing close to him was melting away her hangover. But the ding of the elevator reaching the next floor jerked Meredith back to both her senses and her headache.

"No Derek," she snapped, stepping away from him again. "And why are you smiling? The other night didn't fix anything." Derek sighed and shifted from one foot to the other.

"Meredith, I…" Her body and her heart were telling her to listen to him, or better yet, lean into him and then listen later. To tell him that she'd left Finn, that she could be all his if he only asked. But the part of her that was still broken, that still had sharp and wounded edges from being left by him was stronger. It forced the memory of everything she'd told Finn about Derek from her mind. It told her to take her heart while she still could and hide it from him, and Meredith listened.

"Derek, no. Okay?" He opened his mouth to speak again, but Meredith cut him off. "And no, it didn't mean anything either. Alright? So don't even ask." His face visibly fell as she spoke, but the doors opened then and Meredith forced herself to walk off without looking back at him. _Safe…_she reminded herself. _I'm being safe. We're not having an affair, he has to get that. _Still her stomach felt heavy with the lie she'd just told and she longed to go press the button for the elevator again, to find a way to take back everything she'd said. Instead, she caught sight of Bailey and followed her over to where the other interns were standing as she began giving out the day's assignments.

"Alright people, listen up," snapped Bailey, pausing to take a long sip of her coffee. "Karev, it's your lucky day. You're off OB/GYN, you'll be working with a temp attending in cardio, a Dr. Elliot." Alex nearly jumped in the air, as he whirled around to grin at Meredith and Christina.

"You hear that, ladies? I'm off the vagina squad. Any technical problems down there, I'm no longer your man. Any other problems though…" He rubbed his hands together eagerly, still laughing at his escape.

"Shove it, evil spawn," muttered Christina, rolling her eyes at him as Bailey cleared her throat.

"Alex, why are you still standing here?" He nodded and hurried off. "O'Malley, you're on neuro with Shepherd. Yang, I need you to take a consult in the pit." Bailey paused as the others disappeared. Meredith looked at her anxiously.

"And me?" Bailey shook her head and frowned at Meredith.

"Grey, I don't want to know what you've done this time. But Montgomery Shepherd needs an intern, and she's asking for you."

-----

Addison was pretty sure that she was Satan. Or, at least, she was pretty sure that was what the interns would consider her once they learned she'd requested Meredith. That was the way things usually seemed to work ever since she came to Seattle. _Destroy Meredith Grey's happiness? Then everybody hates you_, thought Addison bitterly, as she pushed open the door to the bathroom and leaned against the sink. She desperately wanted to hate Meredith. It would make everything much simpler if she could. Addison didn't know exactly what she felt, it was a giant tumble of things, but it wasn't quite hate. She stared blankly into the mirror, frowning as she contemplated her hair. She hated to admit, even to herself, that every now and then she tried to imagine how she'd look with dirty blonde hair. As if the reason her husband was so hung up on Meredith Grey was due entirely to hair color. _I've got the evil red hair_, she reminded herself, tugging absently on a stray strand. _That's definitely Satan. Or maybe even the wicked witch of the east. _

Addison smirked sadly at her reflection, leaning back against the tile wall of the bathroom and closing her eyes. She wasn't sure exactly why she'd requested Meredith, the words had just popped out of her mouth when she'd passed Bailey in the hallway. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Derek sure did it often enough. Although, she knew Derek wouldn't see it that way. Addison knew that if Derek found out she'd asked for Meredith he'd either ask her what the hell she thought she was doing, or simply look at her sadly, shaking his head in disappointment as he walked away. She sunk down along the wall, hoping nobody would open the door to see her sitting on the floor. Addison rested her head on her knees, thinking it was probably more likely that Derek would just be silent.

That was what her marriage had become. Silence. The night she had seen Meredith and Derek leave the on-call room, they had driven home together in total silence. Derek barely looked at her, just stared moodily at the road, and Addison hadn't seen the point in trying to get him to talk. She didn't really know what there was to say. She figured she should yell and be angry, but somehow the silence was a little less painful. When she had woken up the next morning, Derek had already gone to work. Later that day, Addison had paged him and told him not to wait up for her. She'd said that she had a late surgery which would probably keep her at the hospital most, if not all of, the night. It was a lie. They both had known it was a lie. After all, they'd been standing in front of the OR board when she had told him. But Derek had only nodded and played along, even wishing her good luck with the surgery before walking away. Addison sighed and forced herself to get up again. She was pretty sure the silence was the real reason she had asked for Meredith. Addison wanted answers, wanted to know if Derek had figured out that she knew about Meredith. She wanted to know if he even cared that she had. She hadn't figured out how to talk to her husband. Meredith seemed like an easier option. Meredith Grey didn't know how to lie.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Addison heard the sound of a familiar voice gasping her name as she opened the bathroom door. Meredith was looking up at her, her green eyes wide and clearly startled. "I've…I've been looking for you. I'm your intern." She stammered just a little as she spoke, her hands fidgeting with the buttons on her lab coat.

"Right," said Addison briskly, leading the way down the hall. She stopped at the nurses' station, quickly sorting through charts and setting aside a pile far larger then any she'd ever assigned Alex. Addison couldn't help but smirk a little as she chose the most boring and tedious assignments she could find, tasks Meredith could have handled easily when she was still a medical student. She was hoping that Meredith would get annoyed and complain a little. Alex would have been ranting full speed at the sight of the first chart alone. But Meredith just nodded and scooped up the giant stack in her arms.

"I'll go get started then Dr. Shepherd," she said quietly, not quite looking Addison in the eyes. Meredith had made it nearly half way down the hall when Addison forced herself to call out to her. Meredith stopped immediately and walked back to her.

"Dr. Grey," said Addison slowly, knowing she already had the answer to her question in the fact that they had reverted from Addison and Meredith to Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey. Meredith nodded, her eyes darting about expectantly. "Are you sleeping with my husband?" Addison spoke slowly and clearly, seeing the change that each word wrought in Meredith's expression. Somehow, the question sounded so different from the last time she had asked it. Meredith sighed and looked down at her feet for a moment, but when she looked back up, Addison realized exactly why she couldn't hate Meredith Grey.

"I think," Meredith began quietly, finally looking Addison squarely in the eyes. Her look was apologetic, tinted with either guilt or sadness, maybe both. However her voice was no longer stammering. It was calm, gentle even, and surprisingly firm. "I think you need to talk to Derek, Dr. Shepherd." The two women stared at each other in silence for a minute before Meredith nodded her head almost imperceptibly. Addison watched her turn and walk away, suddenly realizing what she had to do.


	9. Ch 9: Love Will Tear Us Apart

_A/N - Wow, for some reason this was a hard chapter to write. It feels like it took forever to get it out. Be warned, Mer is being rather stupid. However, it's due to the fact that she loves Derek, is terrified of loving Derek, and doesn't think that he can ever really be hers. So, she's doing what she can to convince herself the emotions aren't there. Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment. Please review!_

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Meredith leaned against the counter of the nurses' station, her pen scratching quickly across the paper as she filled in a chart. She felt sort of weak and weary, tired of the long looks Addison had been giving her whenever she thought Meredith was distracted with a patient. Meredith sighed and pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead, the words "are you sleeping with my husband?" playing over and over again in her mind. Addison hadn't brought the subject up again, but it had been there lurking just below the surface. Every request to go check on a patient, every update Meredith gave Addison, _everything_ was filled with echoes, sometimes sad, sometimes upset, sometimes resigned, but always there. It was tightening that thick guilty feeling that lined Meredith's stomach, making it hard to concentrate. She looked distractedly up from the chart to see Addison standing across the room, talking to Derek.

Meredith felt her heart skip, and looked quickly back down at her papers. She hated seeing them together. Meredith liked to pretend it wasn't jealousy that she felt. She knew it made little sense to be jealous of the woman whose husband was cheating on her, especially since she was the one helping him cheat. But she just couldn't help it. Addison had Derek in a way that was concrete, stable, and undeniable. Hell, it was even tax-deductible. Addison had a marriage. And seeing them together reminded Meredith that, at best, all she had with Derek were unanswered questions.

She tried to concentrate on filling in the patient's chart, but her gaze kept drifting back to them, watching them as they stood there talking. _I need to go, _thought Meredith. _I need to go before they see me. _But she could not convince her feet to move. She just stood there watching them until it was too late. Derek caught sight of her from across the room, and his serious expression instantly melted away into a smile. Meredith felt her face flush, the little hairs on the back of her neck standing up. She looked down at the chart again, trying to pretend she hadn't noticed them there. However, when she chanced another glance at the Shepherds, Derek was still looking at her. Talking to his wife, but looking at her. Meredith meant to look away again, but instead she smiled at him and kept staring, their eyes locked over Addison's shoulder.

Meredith knew that she was being immature, she knew that getting Derek to look at her instead of Addison didn't actually make him hers at all. She knew it, but knowing and feeling were very different things. And he was staring at her as if she was the only woman in the room. Meredith was rapidly forgetting to even feel guilty, Derek's eyes were taking care of that. All she could concentrate on was the fact that her skin was tingling and burning with anticipation, her breath catching as he nodded his head in response to Addison but kept his eyes trained on her. Derek raised his eyebrows at her, over his wife's shoulder, and Meredith smirked back at him. A part of her mind was screaming at her to look away, to go back to work, that this was destroying everything she'd managed to say a few hours ago in the elevator. However, it didn't manage to scream loudly enough. Because when Addison finally walked away, neither of them moved.

They stood there staring at each other across the room, until Meredith set down the chart she was working on. She knew she was going to regret what she was about to do, but her mind was too busy pulsing with thoughts of Derek to care about anything else. _Addison already knows_, she told herself, knowing that was probably the worst justification in the history of the world, but still…it was something.

"Dr. Shepherd…" Meredith turned on her heel and walked past him. Her voice was quiet and calm as if her words were nothing more then a greeting. But her eyes were filled with _their _look, and she didn't have to think about the fact that Derek wasn't really hers. Because when he smiled and said Dr. Grey, his hand reached out and brushed against hers, and Meredith knew he was going to follow her down the hall. He was going to follow her, not Addison. And for a little while, it wasn't that hard to convince herself that that was enough.

Meredith had no reason to walk down the hall to the supply cabinet at the far end. Running samples to the lab for Addison didn't require surgical masks or syringes. And the heads of the surgical departments never bothered to fetch their own supplies. Still, Meredith didn't look surprised when Derek opened the door and stepped inside. She didn't bother to ask him what he was doing. They didn't even bother to speak. They had already said enough with their eyes.

Meredith leaned away from him for an instant, wishing she knew how to just walk away. But her heart was pounding too loudly to struggle, filling her head with a pulsing sound that echoed Derek's name. _Derek, Derek, Derek..._ The sound of the door clicking shut seemed disproportionably loud, like a gunshot at the start of a race that set their bodies falling together, kicking off their shoes, tugging almost frantically at the strings on each other's scrubs. It was as if being apart for a day had somehow left their bodies more starved for each other then all the long months they'd previously spent separated.

Meredith was vaguely aware of the boxes filled with gloves and surgical masks as they shook and shifted on the shelves, of the gauze and bandages and coils of tubing as they fell down to litter the floor. But mostly she just knew a tumbled rush of feelings, the cold hard metal of the shelves digging into her back, the burning touch of Derek's hands and mouth running all over her body, biting into him hard to keep from screaming his name because the walls were thin and they were, after all, in a closet.

But afterwards, when Meredith stood gasping for breath, her arms draped over his shoulders and his hands really the only thing keeping her from falling down, she thought she might cry. _It was nothing, _she told herself, trying to pretend she didn't care that as soon as they walked back out of the door Derek would still be Addison's.

"Meredith," Derek murmured, reaching up to brush the tangle of golden hair out of her eyes, but Meredith shook her head.

"Don't," she whispered, as she pushed him away. Meredith steadied herself by holding onto a shelf as she reached down for her discarded clothing. "Get dressed," she insisted, the rush of guilt returning faster then it had before.

"Meredith," repeated Derek, catching her hand in his. "Don't run away again." She just pulled away and went back to tying her shoelaces. "Meredith, can't we just…"

"No. It doesn't mean…" she began impatiently, staring at the floor as she spoke.

"…Anything," said Derek sadly, finishing her sentence for her. Meredith nodded and straightened up, forcing herself to pretend it didn't hurt.

"Exactly," she replied. "You and I, Derek…we can't mean anything." She smiled at him, faking happy, faking complete. "It's just nothing, okay? It's nothing at all." Derek frowned and started to speak, so Meredith reached out and grabbed the collar of his lab coat. She pulled him back to her, shutting him up by kissing him fiercely. She could feel Derek's hands raise up in surprise before heading like always to tangle up in her hair. But she pulled away again before he could. "See? Nothing…" she murmured, as she turned to leave the closet. Meredith wasn't sure if Derek believed her, but it didn't really matter. The lie wasn't for him. It was a game of pretend that she was playing with herself.

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Addison knew the end was coming. She could practically feel it in the air. When she got home, everything felt oddly silent. She couldn't hear any birds singing, there wasn't even the familiar gentle patter of rain. The air seemed to be filled with a heavy quiet. _The calm before the storm,_ thought Addison to herself, flicking a light switch on as she walked into the empty trailer. Addison sat down on the edge of her bed, slowly slipping her feet out of their heels and rubbing her aching toes. She supposed that if she had an ironic sense of humor, she'd find the fact that she had followed Meredith Grey's romantic advice terribly amusing. It would be funny that she had cornered her husband and insisted that they needed to talk based solely on the advice of the other woman who was screwing him. But Derek hadn't argued or changed the subject like he usually did. Granted, she knew he'd been staring across the room at Meredith the entire time, but he hadn't walked away. Derek had simply agreed. He had agreed and then gone on to say that they should wait until they got home. That the hospital was "no place to do this." That had been the moment Addison realized they were done pretending. She knew exactly what _this _was. It was the unraveling of all things that were "us," and "we," and "shared." It was the taking apart of a shared life until they were back where they had started, back to two separate lives. _This _was the end.

Still, as she sat there waiting for Derek to come home, Addison couldn't keep her thoughts from drifting back to the beginning. Back to their wedding night, when every thought in her mind had been of him, and the future and happiness. The old her, the giddy laughing bride caught up in Derek's arms in a tumble of long red hair and white lace, could have never imagined what Addison knew was about to happen. It would have been impossible for her to fathom. _Things change_, whispered Addison to herself, as if trying to comfort that old self, the part of her that couldn't stop loving Derek simply because a piece of paper was about to say she should. Addison sighed and closed her eyes, and she didn't look up again until she heard the sound of familiar heavy footsteps.

Derek had come in without a word, was just standing there with his hands at his sides when Addison opened her eyes. There was a solemn quality to Derek's eyes that had replaced the guilt Addison had grown used to, and she realized that he had figured out she knew about Meredith. They stared at each other for a long time without speaking; Addison trying to pretend that she didn't still find him gorgeous, trying to pretend that he was now simply nothing to her. "Addie…" he began gently, but she shook her head.

"No…we both know what you're about to say. Spare me the sympathetic explanation Derek." Addison got up off the bed, pushing past him towards the tiny closet. It suddenly felt too much to just sit there and let him end everything, to just wait for him to say it was over. She yanked open the closet door, fumbling around for the suitcase stashed on the top shelf.

"Here…" Derek didn't bother to ask what she was doing. He simply reached up and grabbed the suitcase she was struggling with, setting it easily on the ground. Addison pulled the suitcase towards her, nearly breaking the zipper as she tugged violently on it. "Addie," he repeated. "Calm down please, I never wanted to hurt you." She shrugged and pulled her clothes out of the closet, dropping them into the suitcase unfolded and still on their hangers. "I didn't mean for us to end this way…" He gestured around at the small trailer, at the rapidly growing pile of color on the floor, falling into and around the suitcase.

"Derek, stop. I get it," snapped Addison. She pulled out her favorite pair of boots and jammed them into the suitcase before sitting back on her heels and looking up at him. "You love Meredith," she said quietly. It wasn't a question, and the shock of that statement had come and gone a long time ago. It was now nothing more then the simple fact at the heart of everything that was ending. Addison licked her lips, wishing it didn't still hurt so much to say.

"Yes," agreed Derek, his voice equally quiet. It wasn't an apology. Derek frowned down at her, and Addison realized that he wouldn't say he was sorry. An apology would mean that he regretted Meredith, and Addison knew she would never get that from him. Derek just leaned against the wall, hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans, watching as she packed. "You don't have to leave like this," he said at last, after Addison had straightened up with her full suitcase in tow. "Are you sure you have some place to go?"

"I'm a surgeon. I can afford a hotel," snapped Addison. Derek only shrugged and didn't push the point. "I'll call my lawyer tomorrow," she continued, laughing bitterly as she suddenly realized that a part of her had been hoping he'd insist she stay. But Derek simply leaned back against the wall again, following her with his eyes as she walked to the door. With her hand over the doorknob, Addison hesitated and looked back at Derek, wishing he would say something more. He just smiled sadly at her, giving her a long steady look she'd seen many times before. Only this time, this was the _last_ time.

Addison closed her eyes, wishing desperately that she could hate him. Just as hating Meredith would have solved so many problems, hating Derek would probably help numb the broken, crumbling feeling in her heart.

"How is she Derek? Is she good?" The words came out as more of a sneer then anything else, before she even realized that she was speaking, just a hot bubble of anger and frustration. Derek's head jerked forward instantly, his eyebrows knitting together. And Addison almost wished she hadn't said anything. _Almost. _But angry hurt less then the sad silence that had been filling her heart and her head. It helped hide the fact that Derek didn't regret falling in love with Meredith. And it helped mask just what Addison was about to accomplish by walking out the door of the trailer, suitcase in hand. Derek hadn't bothered to reply, but Addison hadn't really expected him to. "Never mind," she continued, before the silence could become brutal again. "Of course she is." She didn't even try to mask the bitterness in her voice because it helped propel her out of the door and down the stairs.

"Addie," called Derek, and she whirled around, realizing he had followed her out onto the little porch. Her sudden flash of anger had faded away, leaving her with nothing to do but stare with empty eyes at the little trailer she was supposed to hate and the man who was no longer hers to love. "We tried," he said at last. It wasn't quite an apology. But for once it was something honest and sincere, and Addison felt herself smile just a little bit as she nodded.

"It just wasn't enough," she said quietly, before turning to get in her car and drive off into the darkness.

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Meredith stumbled home that night in another tequila-soaked haze. Drinking was easier then thinking, and it let her sleep. It pushed thoughts of Addison from her mind. It let her forget Finn ever had plans. It even helped fade the memory of being with Derek into a simple ache of guilt and longing. The third time hadn't been an accident. Meredith knew better then to call it that. She couldn't blame it on the heat of an argument or the confusion of crying and comfort and tears. It was cheating, plain and simple. And worst of all, it was practically planned. Meredith shook her head, cursing loudly as she nearly tripped walking through the door.

"Meredith?" She looked up to see George watching her. "You're drunk. Please, don't be a loud drunk tonight. Izzie's asleep."

"George," declared Meredith stubbornly. "I'm not drunk. I'm just helping myself forget." George sighed and got up off the couch.

"Forget what?" he asked, as he closed and locked the door Meredith had left wide open.

"That I'm Derek's mistress," answered Meredith bitterly. "You know, I got mad when he called me a whore." She shook her head and laughed loudly. George winced and put a finger to his lips, shushing her. "Funny isn't it? It suits me now. Meredith Grey, the whore." She was still laughing and shaking her head, but tears were running down her cheeks. She reached out for George's arm, missed, staggered, and finally caught hold of him.

"Mer…you need to sleep," said George, trying to steer her towards the stairs. She nodded and let him lead her up them for awhile, but when they'd gotten halfway she halted.

"George?" Meredith turned around on the stairs, miraculously managing to not fall down them. "Do you think if you pretend something for long enough, it can become real?" George just looked at her in confusion. "George…" whined Meredith, sinking down to sit on the stairs. She looked plaintively up at him, tugging on the leg of his pants like a little child. George heaved a sigh, but gave in and sat down beside her.

"I don't know Mer…probably not." His answer made Meredith start shaking her head again. He put a hand cautiously on her shoulder. "What is it?"

"I'm pretending to not love Derek," she said quietly. "I don't want him to know I still love him…I don't want myself to know…"

"Because of Addison?" asked George, feeling her body shudder beneath his hand at the question.

"Yes," she said, sounding almost cross. "And because of before, because he left me, because what if he doesn't want to leave her …what if all I'm ever going to get is sex in closets? I should hate that, I think maybe I do..." Meredith turned and looked at George, blinking back the tears that were only making the room even blurrier. "I can't tell, George! I can't tell if I hate…if…I can't…" Her voice broke, a sob shaking through her small frame.

"Shhh," soothed George, wrapping his arms around Meredith. "You aren't happy Mer…talk to him." She shook her head, fingers clinging to his neck, tears soaking the fabric of his shirt.

"No…" she moaned, a sob shaking her body. "I don't want to ask. I don't want to know." George could barely hear her through the sobbing, so he just stroked her hair, letting her lean into him. They sat like that for a long time, until Meredith couldn't manage any more tears. She struggled to sit up, sniffling and wiping away her tears. "Thank you George," she said awkwardly, her mind clearing enough to remember that George had liked Finn, to remember that she and George hadn't quite figured out how to be friends again, after everything. He looked worn and exhausted, but he just smiled and nodded his head. "I broke up with Finn…I'm not still leading him on…I'm not…" Meredith shrugged and let her words trail off, the burning haze of tequila keeping her from stringing together exactly what she meant. She looked at George almost helplessly, fidgeting awkwardly with the zipper on her sweater.

"I know," said George gently, pulling her to her feet. He led her to her room without another word, and Meredith followed along. She halted outside of Izzie's room, pressing her palm to the door.

"Izzie's broken," she whispered, as if she was telling George something he didn't know. George looked at her curiously but nodded. "It's not her fault though." She sighed and walked on. "Broken…that's why nothing is better George. Derek can't break me again if it's just nothing." Meredith smiled proudly even though her eyes were glistening with tears. "He means nothing to me…"

"Mer you're a bad liar," said George, pushing her gently into her room. She fell easily onto the bed, her knees buckling and her cheek crashing into the smooth fabric of her pillows. "Just sleep." Meredith nodded, realizing George probably wanted his own rest. And so she fought back the urge to keep talking to him just so that she wouldn't have to be alone with her thoughts. She hadn't drank enough. The sweet relief of passing out didn't come. Rather Meredith just lay there glaring at the darkness until her phone rang.

Derek. It was Derek. _Nothing…_Meredith reminded herself fiercely, reaching out for her phone. Her fingers hesitated for a moment, trembling over the buttons. But at last she simply turned off the ringer. She didn't answer. She let the phone fall to the floor with a clatter. _Nothing at all…nothing…nothing… _It was the worst sort of lullaby, but Meredith let it play over and over in her mind until finally unconsciousness came and she didn't have to think anymore.


	10. Ch 10: How To Save a Life

_A/N - Hmmm, this chapter was a bit of a surprise. I started out with a bunch of stuff planned, and then this kind of came up while I was writing. So, the stuff I was planning on got pushed to the next chapter. Hopefully you guys will like it. I wanted to include a bit more Izzie this chapter because, as much as I wasn't a fan of Izzy/Denny, I think the whole question of what Izzie will do next is pretty interesting. As usual though, it's mostly about Meredith. Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has posted comments. I really appreciate it, it makes my day totally happy to get a comment on my story. So, if you haven't reviewed, please do! I'd love to know what you think! Anyway, enough rambling...on to the chapter._

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Meredith staggered down the stairs, expecting to see either an empty kitchen, or, if she was lucky, a kitchen with George in it, already making coffee. Instead she was greeted by the sight of Izzie sitting cross-legged on the kitchen table.

"Izzie?" asked Meredith. Izzie was dressed in something other then sweatpants for a change, and was surprisingly tear-free, although her face had a pinched, tired quality to it.

"Good morning," said Izzie quietly, passing Meredith a cup of coffee. Meredith shook her head incredulously.

"Why are you up at 5:30 in the morning…" Suffering the duel effects of four hours of sleep and a hangover, Meredith sorely missed her bed, and was having a hard time understanding why anyone would voluntarily be awake. Izzie mumbled a reply into her coffee cup. "Huh?" asked Meredith as she turned to search through the fridge for something to eat. "What'd you say Iz?"

"Bailey," repeated Izzie, speaking a little louder. She sounded almost shy and stared quickly down at the table when Meredith turned to look at her.

"Bailey…" echoed Meredith. She leaned back into the fridge, lifting open the lid of a pizza box and pulling out a slice. "Oh right," she continued, as the coffee started to wake her up a bit and she remembered Bailey wanting to speak with Izzie. "That's great Izzie. So you're going to go talk to her?"

"Yeah I guess so," mumbled Izzie. Meredith nodded, moving a tray of muffins off a chair so that she could sit down. The kitchen hadn't fully recovered from Izzie's grief fueled bake-a-thon, and uneaten cupcakes and muffins littered most available spaces.

"That's really good Izzie," said Meredith gently. Izzie nodded, the muscles in her face tensing.

"Can I…can we go over together?" she asked.

"Of course." Meredith took a bite of her pizza, and Izzie glanced anxiously back and forth between Meredith and her lap.

"I'm scared," she whispered at last. "To go back…to be where Denny died…to…I'm just scared Mer." Meredith looked up at her and smiled sadly, wishing that she was more like George and could know just what to say. She couldn't think of anything that would help, so she just nodded her head and reached out for Izzie's hand, squeezing it tightly.

The ride to the hospital was silent. The three interns in a car had once been a casual everyday action, not even worth contemplating. However it suddenly felt foreign and heavy with significance. Meredith was glad she was driving so she had an excuse for her silence. George kept clearing his throat and making little humming noises, as if wanting to talk but unable to break through the heavy bond of silence that hung around the car. Izzie just sat in the backseat, her head turned towards the window and her eyes tightly closed. They didn't speak when they pulled into the parking lot, or when they got out of the car. The three of them simply looked at each other, nodding their heads, before walking silently back into the hospital.

Stepping inside the busy blur of the hospital shook Izzie from her silence. Meredith had felt momentarily nervous, but when Izzie let out a small gasp and grabbed her hand, Meredith pushed her own problems from her mind. Izzie was starting to freeze up, staring wide-eyed around the hospital, her nails digging into the palm of Meredith's hand. "Lets go Iz," whispered Meredith quickly, and she pulled Izzie with her into the locker room.

"Izzie!" Alex was sitting on a bench, tying up his shoe but he nearly leapt to his feet when he saw Izzie walk through the door. "You're back? You're here? Are you alright? How are you? Are you here…you're here, right?" he stammered, sounding surprisingly unlike Alex. Christina rolled her eyes and pushed past him.

"He's like a little lovesick puppy," she muttered to Meredith. "All asking questions and being sensitive and concerned…he's like another George. Seriously." She slammed her locker shut. "We've got two Georges now. Just fantastic."

"Christina…" said Meredith, shaking her head. "He's not that bad."

"Um…I can hear you. You do realize that right?" asked George incredulously. "I'm standing right here, next to you. Me. George."

"Bambi, go complain to someone who cares. Like maybe your long lost twin," said Christina, pointing over at Alex who didn't seem to hear her. He was talking intently to Izzie, who seemed to be actually smiling for the first time since prom.

"You are cranky today," laughed Meredith as she pulled on her scrubs.

"Yeah well, Burke's coming home today. And since I'm being the supportive girlfriend now, I did up all the dishes from the past five days this morning. Because, you know, Burke doesn't like messy. I don't even know how to do dishes Mer," complained Christina.

"Seriously? It's just soap and water. You can figure out surgery but you can't figure out soap and water?"

"Okay, Burke has five different brushes and two dish soaps. It's a freaking mystery."

"Uh huh…" Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Oh shut up Meredith, go grope Dr. McDoMe in a closet already." She smirked at Meredith, who had opened her mouth to reply but was cut short by the arrival of Bailey.

"Oh, we're not late Dr. Bailey! We've still got ten minutes until rounds," piped up George, who was frantically rummaging around in his locker.

"O'Malley, I am aware of when rounds start. We are not rounding this morning. We are making are way downstairs to Trauma 1 now." She caught sight of Izzie standing awkwardly to the side, still dressed in street clothes, and paused in surprise. Immediately everyone turned to glance at Izzie, who looked awkwardly down at her hands. "Right, Stevens I'm glad to see you," continued Bailey, drawing the focus back to herself. "I want to talk to you, however there was a six car pileup this morning. We have five full ambulances headed here now."

"Of course," said Izzie immediately, nodding her head. "I get it. I can wait, totally. I've got all day really." She let out an odd little laugh, her eyes misting slightly.

"Thank you Izzie. I'll see you as soon as I can." Bailey's voice was unusually gentle, taking on a tone usually reserved only for patients. However, as she looked back at her interns, the softness vanished. "Why are you all still standing here? My interns should be in the ambulance bay by now." The four of them hesitated, casting quick glances at Izzie and mumbling under their breath. George was still busy pulling on his scrubs. "Move," shouted Bailey glaring at them and pushing the door to the locker room open. Meredith gave Izzie's arm a quick squeeze before running out the door and downstairs to meet the ambulances.

Trauma was hectic, with the interns arriving just as the ambulances did. Meredith was swept up in the rush of wheeling the patients in on gurneys, the paramedics rambling a constant stream of information at them. She caught a fleeting glance of Derek who was paged to consult on a patient in the final ambulance with serious head trauma, and found herself feeling extremely grateful for the mountain of medical emergencies separating them. _Fantastic,_ thought Meredith. _I now find accidents to be an even better numbing agent then tequila…this cannot lead to good things._ She shook her head to clear her thoughts, and turned her attention to the young girl in her care.

"I'm Dr. Grey," she said, smiling down at the brown haired girl laying on the gurney. Her eyes were wide and she didn't look much older then ten.

"I'm Logan," whispered the girl. She was holding her right arm protectively against her chest, but she was fully conscious and, aside from a few minor scrapes, showed no other injuries. She smiled shyly at Meredith, and started to talk a little as Meredith conducted a preliminary exam. "I take ballet," said Logan proudly. "I'm going to be a ballerina when I'm all grown up."

"Really?" asked Meredith. "That's fantastic, your family must be very proud of you."

"Well, it's just me and my mom, but yeah. I mean, she takes lots of pictures at my recitals. So I guess she's proud."

"I'm sure she is," agreed Meredith, smiling warmly at the little girl.

"We have a big recital just next week," continued Logan excitedly. "That's why I had practice before school today. We were rushing because we were late. I couldn't find my tights!" She paused and grew suddenly thoughtful, a frown passing across her face. "Although now I missed all of practice…Dr. Grey, can I dance with my arm? Is it going to be okay? It kinda hurts…" She made a face and twisted to stare at her arm.

"That's what we're going to find out Logan," said Meredith, getting ready to transfer the girl upstairs. "Things look good, but we want to take a better look at your arm, see if anything's broken okay?" Logan just nodded her head happily, but as Meredith started to move the gurney, the little girl's expression changed.

"Where are you going? We can't leave, my mom won't know where to find me!" She bolted upright in bed, pausing to wince as pain shot through her arm. She looked frantically around the busy room, her gray eyes starting to fill with tears, as she suddenly realized she had no idea where her mother was.

"Shhh…" soothed Meredith. "Was your mother in the ambulance with you?"

"No…no, a different one," moaned Logan, clutching her arm to her chest and still trying to get up. "Mom! Mom?" Meredith followed the girl's gaze around the OR, but soon realized that Logan didn't see anyone she recognized.

"Logan, what's your mother's name?"

"Lydia, Lydia Norris." Meredith nodded and flagged down a nurse.

"Lydia Norris, has she been admitted?" asked Meredith, instinctively lowering her voice so the child laying behind her couldn't hear. The nurse heaved a frustrated sigh, setting down the large tray of instruments she was carrying, and turning to check the charts.

"Norris, Lydia. Rushed to immediate surgery for severe head trauma. She's in OR 1 with Dr. Shepherd," read the nurse, not even waiting for Meredith's reply before picking up her tray again and hurrying off.

_Damn…_thought Meredith, looking back at Logan who was anxiously watching her. "Okay Logan," she said gently. "Your mom can't come with us to check your arm, she's busy with another doctor right now. But she's here, so you don't need to worry about that." Logan nodded slowly, still seeming shaken by the realization that she'd been separated from her mother.

"She's okay though right?" Meredith smiled sadly down at her as she pushed the lever to release the brakes on the gurney.

"Well I haven't seen her Logan, but the nurse says she's with Dr. Shepherd. He's a friend of mine and a really good doctor, so lets just worry about your arm right now. He'll let us know how your mom is doing in a little bit, alright?" Logan nodded, satisfied with the answer for the moment. _Please…_begged Meredith silently, looking down at Logan who was absently twisting her long hair around the fingers of her uninjured arm.

As Meredith wheeled the gurney towards the elevators, she caught sight of Izzie standing off in a corner of the massive trauma bay. She'd wandered down from the locker room, and was standing perfectly still, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest. She didn't seem to notice Meredith, just stared wide eyed at the chaos around her, tears running silently down her cheeks.

-----

Logan Norris had a fractured wrist. This caused an awkward moment where Callie and Meredith stared at each other over the little girl's bed, having not really seen each other since the prom six days before. However, Logan was in the middle of describing her costume for her ballet recital, and pulled the two doctors out of their silence with endless questions. Did they like ribbons? Should she let her mom do her hair or try to do it herself this year? Was purple better then pink, or should she ask to switch costumes with one of the girls in pink? At this, Meredith and Callie exchanged a look, and immediately agreed that purple was better then pink.

"Thank you for letting me assist," said Meredith quietly when the two of them had finished tending to Logan's wrist. Callie nodded her head, signing off on Logan's chart as she did. "About the other night, I…" continued Meredith awkwardly, not really sure what she meant to say. Callie just shook her head and raised a hand.

"No it's okay, I get it. You're one of those girls."

"One of those girls?" repeated Meredith defensively.

"Yeah, the type who'd love to fall for a nice guy but just can't manage to pull it off. The type that falls fast, falls hard and keeps falling for the one guy they just can't have." Meredith hesitated for a moment, intending to argue, but ended up just laughing as she nodded her head.

"Great, when you put it that way, I sound like a complete masochist."

"Problem is, somehow that just draws the nice guys like crazy," said Callie quietly, not looking at Meredith.

"You mean…George?" Callie shrugged, but after a moment, nodded her head.

"Yeah…"

"Callie, I never meant to hurt him," said Meredith softly. Callie was still staring fixedly at the ground. "I was stupid and thoughtless, yes…I was only thinking about myself when I should've been…I just, I never meant to hurt him, and I hate that I did." The two of them walked silently down the hall, both staring straight ahead, until finally Callie stopped walking and turned to look at Meredith.

"I know," she said. "I know you didn't. Your type…well." She shrugged and glanced at Meredith who was watching her warily. "Your type falls for the unattainable guy, remember? The guy who can't be there like you need. You usually end up hurting yourself worst of all," she said quietly.

Meredith had turned away as Callie spoke, not quite sure why her eyes suddenly felt as if they were burning with un-spilled tears, but wanting to keep that fact private. When she risked turning back around, Callie had already walked away.

-----

"Izzie?" asked Meredith curiously, as she made her way into the locker room. "What are you doing in here?" Izzie was sitting on the floor, her back pressed against a locker and her knees pulled up to her chest.

"I knew what to do," said Izzie quietly.

"You knew?" echoed Meredith. "What do you mean Iz?"

"I knew…downstairs, I knew. I know…I know how to treat trauma patients, to run a code, to suture even. But all I could do was stand there, this morning downstairs…you guys were so busy, and I know how. I know how to save lives, and all I could do was stand there." Meredith nodded slowly, but Izzie just sighed in frustration.

"Izzie…"

"No, I do. This was my life, it was everything I knew. And I gave it all up for Denny, and I didn't regret it. I love him…loved…I…" She paused and looked up at Meredith. "It's just, I lost my everything. First medicine, then Denny. Now, I've got nothing. You guys, you've got your own problems but you still have _this_." She gestured around the locker room. "You come here and you save, and somehow you manage to do a little good to eat away at all the bad. I've got nothing, just lots of tears and emptiness."

"It'll get better Izzie, I promise," said Meredith quietly. "It's still so soon."

"I know," interrupted Izzie. "I thought I would be too sad and too afraid to come here, and I was. Until I followed you guys downstairs…That's when I remembered. I know how to save…it's in my hands and in my mind, and I hate myself for wasting that as much as I hate myself when I wake up in the middle of the night and forget that Denny's dead."

"Izzie, talk to Bailey," said Meredith, instantly berating herself in her mind for not sounding more thoughtful. "Only time can help you with Denny…but she can help you with the other, she wants to help you with it." Izzie nodded slowly, staring into her lap. "Don't hate yourself though Iz…it's not your fault." Izzie shrugged and nodded again, wiping a tear from her face as she turned to look at Meredith.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked softly. "Avoiding Shepherd?"

"Waiting for him actually," said Meredith.

"Oooooh…" Izzie grinned a little, making googly eyes at Meredith.

"No…no." Meredith shook her head, not feeling at all up for worrying about anything other then Izzie and the little girl she'd spent the morning with. "I'm waiting for him to get out surgery. He's operating on my patient's mother, and I just want to find out…I told her I'd find out." Izzie nodded again, her reply fading into silence as the locker room door opened. Meredith reached over and nudged Izzie. "It's Bailey," she said gently. "I'm going to go look for Shepherd." And she got up, leaving the two of them to talk.

-----

"Derek!" Meredith spotted him walking down the hall, his scrub cap still on. He looked up when he heard his name, and smiled instantly at the sight of her. Meredith hurried over to him, twisting her hands together anxiously. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey yourself. What's…"

"How was your surgery?" interrupted Meredith, hoping she sounded calm. "Lydia Norris? Is she alright? Her daughter's here and I told her I'd find out…no…why are you shaking your head? Derek…don't shake your head!" Her stomach clenched as she caught sight of the strained look in his eyes.

"She's brain dead," Derek said softly, pulling off his scrub cap and running a hand through his hair.

"Oh…no…" Meredith sighed. "Dammit."

"Mer," said Derek, reaching out and laying a hand on her shoulder. But she shook her head and pulled away, turning to walk down the hall. Meredith could hear him following after her, was pretty sure he was speaking to her, but she didn't really care. Her mind was swimming with the memory of the little ten year old girl, and she found herself fighting back tears. At last, Meredith collapsed on an empty gurney in the hall, letting her head fall into her hands. She felt Derek sit down next to her, felt his arm reaching around her. "Mer…shhh…" he whispered. Meredith let her head fall into the familiar warmth that was the crook of his neck. It was so familiar, the vague smell of soap, the crisp fabric of his lab coat, everything. The strength of Derek's arms and the low whisper of his voice enveloped her, calming her until she knew she could look up without crying.

"I'm okay. I'm good…sorry Derek." She felt exhausted and overwhelmed, but managed to look up and smile at him. Derek was still watching her, one hand resting lightly on her leg, the other reaching out instinctively to brush her hair out of her eyes.

"Meredith?" She nodded her head. "You're okay?" She just nodded again, and he smiled back at her. "Mer?" he asked again after they'd sat in silence for a few minutes. Meredith immediately noted the change in his voice and sat up, looking at him cautiously.

"What?" she asked.

"Can we talk? It's almost been a week since prom, and so much has happened but we keep avoiding it, not talking about what we're doing." Meredith shifted on the gurney and glared at him. "And last night I…"

"No," interrupted Meredith. "We can't talk Derek. Not now."

"What? Meredith we need to talk," insisted Derek, but she shook her head. Her gaze had drifted down the hall. Through the large glass door she could see Logan sitting up in bed. Her right arm was resting on a pillow and she was flipping through a magazine with her left. Every now and then she'd look up, grinning at the nurse, to point out something in the magazine.

"No Derek," repeated Meredith. "It's not all about us, all the time. There is a little girl whose world is about to be shattered sitting just down the hall. I'm twenty-nine with a mother who rarely recognizes me, and I think that's hell. She is barely ten, and is about to find out that her mother will never even say her name again. This morning, they were on their way to ballet lessons. And now she's gone." Meredith tore her eyes from Logan to look at Derek. "I can't deal with us now, whatever this messed up thing that we're doing is. I can't okay? That little girl down the hall? Our problems are _nothing _to hers."

"Okay," agreed Derek, looking worriedly at Meredith. "Okay…we won't talk now." Meredith nodded, tears starting to spill from her eyes.

"If you can't see that," she continued, her voice low and trembling. "If you can't see that right now I just need you to be here for me…without everything…without all the…" Meredith shook her head and shrugged, fighting back the urge to bring up Addison. Instead she just stayed staring down at the ground, remembering what Callie had said. "If you can't see that, if you can't what I need…maybe you should just go," she whispered. Her whole body tensed, waiting for the shift of weight that meant Derek had stood up, expecting for him to stand up and walk away. But it didn't come. Instead, she felt his arm wrap around her again, his hand reaching out to hold hers.

"I'm not leaving you," Derek whispered, his lips pressed to her head and his voice low and muffled. "Not now…I'm here Mer, I swear." Meredith nodded, laying her head back against his shoulder. Alone in the hallway on the gurney, Meredith decided that for just a minute, she'd let herself believe he was telling the truth. With Derek's hand holding hers, Meredith's breathing finally slowed down as her tears spilt onto his chest.


	11. Ch 11: Into the Fire

_A/N - I had lots of fun writing this chapter. I love the Mer/Alex friendship, it's one of my favorites on the show. Right up there with the fabulous Mer/Christina friendship. Plus, I like writing arguments. So...lots of fun for me writing this chapter. Hopefully you guys will enjoy it and have some fun reading it! Thank you so much for the wonderful comments, I'm so happy that people are enjoying this story. An important note to remember this chapter - due to not yet sitting down and talking, Mer still thinks Derek is with Addison and he still thinks Mer is with Finn. Anyway, that's all of my rambling for now. Please, read away and review!_

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* * *

_Meredith slid into a seat at an empty table in the cafeteria. She could see George seated several tables away, but he was with Callie. Their heads were bent close together, and Meredith didn't really feel like interrupting. She didn't really feel like eating either, but she didn't want to add collapsing at work to her list of mistakes, so she grudgingly pried open the lid on a container of pasta salad. Meredith had that uneasy feeling she always got when people were talking about her. She could feel the eyes on her as people cast barely concealed glances her way. _Gossip spreads fast_ she thought bitterly. Meredith wasn't sure what they were saying, but she and Derek hadn't exactly been subtle the last time they'd had sex. _It wasn't too subtle to go cry on his shoulder in a hallway either_ Meredith reminded herself as she violently skewered yellow and green noodles with her fork.

"Hey, I heard about your patient." Meredith looked up in surprise to see Alex sidle down into the seat next to her. She just blinked and nodded her head. "That's rough," he said, ripping the top off a bag of chips. Meredith sighed and nodded again.

"Yeah…" she said quietly. "I mean, I know it happens. I'm used to it happening, but when it's a little kid…" She shrugged and stabbed more pasta. "You know…they should be spared that sort of pain."

"How'd she take it?"

"Cried…she cried. She's still crying, I think. There's a social worker with her now, and her aunt's flying in from San Francisco." Alex let out a low whistle and Meredith nodded her head, smiling sadly at him. "Izzie's turned you all mushy inside," said Meredith at last. "Being sympathetic, looks of concern in your eyes."

"Shut up Grey," he said immediately, but the corners of his mouth were twitching up into a grin. The two of them sat quietly for awhile, just eating, until Alex looked up at Meredith thoughtfully. She was watching a table of nurses who kept turning around to look at them, speaking in over exaggerated whispers. "Are you okay?" he asked. Meredith jerked her head up instantly, nodding before she even opened her mouth.

"Oh yeah, of course. I'm…"

"Fine?" asked Alex. "Seriously, that's Meredith Grey code for 'my life's so fucked up I don't even know how to answer you'." Meredith rolled her eyes but didn't contradict him. "Is it cause everyone says you're back to doing McDreamy?"

"Everybody's saying that? Seriously? How do you know that?" Meredith moaned and let her head fall into her hands.

"Ha…it is true then," laughed Alex. "The nurses love me. They tell me things." He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms behind his head, a proud smirk on his face.

"Even after Olivia?" asked Meredith skeptically, raising her eyebrow.

"That was a long time ago. And anyway, we're talking about your problems not mine."

"We're not talking about my problems either. I don't have any problems." Alex made a little noise of disbelief, causing Meredith to sigh and set down her fork. "Fine, I have problems. I'm a dirty mistress and Addison hates me. I have no idea what I'm doing here."

"Side effect of screwing her husband," said Alex practically, and Meredith glared at him. "Just talk to Shepherd."

"I don't want to talk to Shepherd," said Meredith instantly.

"You don't want to talk to Shepherd?" Alex looked at her incredulously. "It's the girly thing. Talk about the feelings, worry about commitment, what everything means…"

"Seriously Alex?" asked Meredith, interrupting him. "The girly thing? I don't take long bubble baths when my boyfriend breaks up with me. I don't cry over chick flicks and tubs of ice cream. I have sex and I have tequila. I don't do the girly thing." Alex just smirked and shook his head. He sat up in his seat, seeming to catch sight of someone. "Dr. Shepherd!" he called out, waving an arm in the air. Meredith visibly cringed, twisting around to see Derek paying for a cup of coffee and looking curiously at them. "I believe Dr. Grey has an…um, a medical question for you."

"I will _kill _you," snapped Meredith, glaring darkly at Alex, but he just grinned back at her.

"Do the girly thing, Grey. It'll be good for you." He smirked and got up from the table, walking away as Derek came over.

"A question?" asked Derek curiously.

"No, he's lying," said Meredith flatly, staring intently at her food. She looked up when he moved to sit down next to her. "What are you doing?" she asked incredulously.

"Having my lunch." Derek grinned and took a sip of his coffee, propping his feet up on an empty seat.

"You can't sit here," hissed Meredith, scooting her chair back so they were sitting slightly farther apart.

"Why not?" Derek smiled lopsidedly at her, halfway between a smirk and a grin. Meredith looked away, trying not to focus on the memory of his lips brushing against her as he spoke. She wanted to reach out and run her hands through his hair, to bring back the sense of comfort and safety she'd felt on the gurney in the hallway. Instead she just shook her head, weaving her fingers together to keep them still.

"You can't eat with me in the middle of the cafeteria. You and I…together? People will talk. People _are_ talking."

"So let them talk," said Derek, laughing as he glanced around the cafeteria. But Meredith just frowned at him again, and his expression turned serious. "Come on Mer, I know I've been stupid." Meredith shivered, but didn't stop him from continuing. "And I'm so sorry, but please, just stop running from me. Stop saying we don't mean anything. Please…that isn't like you."

"We don't," began Meredith, but she paused mid sentence because Derek had somehow wound his fingers with hers. Her hand was resting, looking very small and slender, on the upturned palm of his hand. She stared at the sight of their fingers curled tightly together, feeling as if her hand wasn't connected to her body, but rather something that she was watching from a distance. "…mean anything," she finished quietly, not wanting to look up from their hands.

"Your hands are cold," replied Derek, as if he hadn't heard her.

"Derek," said Meredith seriously, leaning forward but still not pulling her hand away. "Why don't you tell me what it means, what you're hoping to hear from me. Are you wanting me to tell you to leave Addison? Because I can't do that. If you want to leave her, it needs to be for yourself not because of something I say." Meredith sighed and looked up at him. Derek was watching her intently, his face failing to give away his emotions. "And if you don't want to leave her, then why are you sitting here?" continued Meredith quietly, forcing herself to draw a line that she wasn't sure she could keep from crossing. "I can't keep doing what we're doing. It's killing me. I don't want to have an affair with you Derek. I can't. I won't become my mother." She sighed and looked down, feeling a sudden unexpected rush of something she thought might be relief.

"An affair?" echoed Derek, looking genuinely shocked at her words. He shook his head and smiled at Meredith, squeezing her hand tightly. "I'm not asking you to have an affair with me, Addison and I…" But he was interrupted by a cheerful ringing melody and the sight of Meredith's cell phone vibrating across the table. "Dr. Grey, it's for you," he teased, sliding the phone towards her. Meredith gave in and smiled at Derek as she slipped her hand from his to answer the phone.

"Dr. Grey?" came an unfamiliar female voice.

"This is she…"

"Good, this is Dr. Dandridge's office calling. You stated that you want to come claim your dog's body?" Meredith swallowed hard and nodded her head, forgetting for a second that she needed to answer out loud.

"Oh…yes, sorry I do," she finally stammered. "Yes, very much. I want to." She glanced back at Derek who was watching her curiously.

"What time would be convenient for you?" Meredith glanced down at her watch, trying not to think about how much Finn must hate her if he didn't even want to call her himself about her own dog.

"Umm…I get off work at seven. I could swing by around 7:30 tonight, if that would be alright?" There was a brief pause, but after a moment the other woman spoke again.

"Yes, that will be fine Dr. Grey. We'll see you then."

"Right…thank you. Bye," said Meredith softly, slowly closing the phone and setting it on the table.

"That was…" began Derek, looking worriedly at her.

"About Doc," said Meredith

"Right." Derek nodded. "So that was Finn." Meredith narrowed her eyes, picking up on the slight edge that had crept into his voice.

"That was about Doc," she repeated, putting the lid back on her half eaten pasta salad. Derek just frowned and watched her gather up her things. Meredith glared at him, hating that he could look so upset over a phone call when he was the one who was married. "I've gotta go," she muttered, pushing back her chair. She was halfway to the trash when she paused and looked back at Derek. He was resting his head on his hand, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Meredith didn't mean to speak, she meant to keep walking away. However, her hand still burned from holding his, and the words tumbled out before she could stop them. "I…I have to pick up Doc's body tonight," she stammered.

Derek sat up straight when she spoke, turning to stare at her, and Meredith felt a shiver run down her spine.

His eyes were piercing straight through her in that familiar way she both hated and loved, and could never quite manage to interpret. "At 7:30," Meredith continued, trying to hold her voice steady and hoping desperately that she hadn't just crossed the invisible line and gone back to having an affair. He nodded slowly as she started to walk away. "You can come if you want..."

-----

Addison had taken the day off. She couldn't remember the last time she had taken a day off just because she didn't feel like going to work, but she figured that since her marriage was over, she deserved one. She had spent the past several hours laying on her hotel bed in her robe and slippers, watching soap opera after soap opera. All the drama was starting to blur together in her mind, and she grabbed the remote, turning off the TV and heaving herself to her feet with a sigh.

She hadn't cried yet, not really. She'd had tears in her eyes, but she hadn't cried. She had almost called Mark though, after the doorman brought her suitcase up to the room for her the night before. It was a very nice hotel, her room had big windows and a large bed with about ten pillows. However, once the doorman closed the door, she was all alone. All the fluffy towels and the charming window seat, even the well stocked mini bar couldn't hide the fact that she was in an empty room. And so Addison had gotten out her phone and dialed Mark's number. She wasn't sure why, it felt almost like a reflex reaction. Get hurt by Derek, go find Mark, cause and effect, all that jazz. But she'd hung up before the first ring, caught herself just in time she decided. The cell phone was now safely hidden in the bottom of a drawer, tucked beneath the soft folds of Addison's favorite cashmere sweater.

Addison paced back and forth across the room, finally ending up in the bathroom staring at herself in the mirror. "Addison Montgomery…" she whispered to herself. "Dr. Montgomery…" She shook her head, trying to get used to the feel of her old name. It felt so strange on her tongue, like something was missing. _Something is missing_ she reminded herself. She slipped her hand into the pocket of her robe, pulling out her wedding ring. She hadn't known what to do with it after she ripped it off her hand at a stoplight driving to the hotel. It had just sat in the pocket of her jacket and then been transferred to the pocket of her robe. Now it lay in the palm of her hand, looking so whole and perfect, so utterly undamaged. The slender gold band didn't have a single scratch on it, the diamond in the center still sparkled as much as it always had.

Addison rolled the ring around the palm of her hand, just staring at it, feeling the weight of it pressing lightly against her skin. Then, with trembling fingers, she set it down on the edge of the sink. Slowly she nudged at the ring just a little. It shifted slightly. Addison took a deep breath, and repositioned her finger with painstaking care, until the edge of her nail was resting against the diamond.

And then she _pushed_ it.

The ring skidded over the edge of the sink, went tumbling down the smooth surface of the basin, making little clinking noises as it rolled. Addison couldn't look away, just watched and watched as the ring spun in tight, dizzying circles around the drain, and then finally slipped away out of sight. Gone, vanished, lost forever down the drain.

Addison let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Her pockets were empty, her hands were light and free, naked of everything save their French manicure. She wasn't sure how she expected herself to feel, but she hadn't thought she'd feel this…_numb. _It was gone. Her husband was gone, her marriage was gone. And now, even her ring was gone. Slowly, she turned her back on the sink and on the gaping drain. She shuffled across the room, letting herself fall back into the luxurious warmth of her empty bed. And then, Addison Montgomery finally started to cry.

-----

Meredith parked her car outside of Finn's, not really wanting to walk in. She hadn't talked to Derek since the afternoon, he hadn't said whether he was coming or not. In order to keep from being disappointed, Meredith had already decided he wasn't coming. That Callie was right, he was the sort of guy who wouldn't be there for her when she needed it. Still, she couldn't help scanning the empty street one last time before walking into Finn's office.

"Hello?" she called softly, and a woman sitting behind a desk waved her over. "I'm…um, I'm Meredith Grey. I'm here to pick up my dog." She frowned and shook her head. "Well, his body," she added sadly. The woman behind the desk smiled sympathetically.

"Of course dear," she said, and Meredith recognized her voice from the phone. "You can go on back." She gestured to a closed door.

"Oh…just right now? He's back there?"

"Yes," said the woman before turning back to the paperwork she was filing. Meredith nodded slowly, hoping she wasn't about to walk into some sort of animal morgue. But the secretary was already caught up in her work again, so Meredith shrugged and walked over to the door. She had barely made it two steps into the room before she froze.

"Finn…" she gasped. He was washing his hands at the sink but turned around at the sound of her voice.

"Meredith, hi."

"I'm sorry," stammered Meredith. "I'm just here to…umm get Doc. Your secretary…" Meredith pointed back at the closed door. "She said it was okay."

"Relax," said Finn gently, smiling at her. "I knew you were coming. I asked her to call you."

"Ohh…sorry. I thought you had her call because you were mad at me," mumbled Meredith looking down at the ground. "Our last conversation was umm…a little awkward."

"It was," laughed Finn, nodding his head. Meredith was still staring at the ground. Finn watched her for a moment, seeming to understand. "I don't hate you Meredith," he said gently. "I was shocked and disappointed, but I wasn't mad at you." Meredith slowly looked up to meet his eyes.

"You're not?" she asked cautiously. "I feel so bad about…everything, I guess."

"No…I just wish you could see that you deserve better. You deserve more then to have somebody turn you scary and damaged again." Meredith sighed and looked away, fidgeting with her hair. "How are things with Derek?" he asked after a moment, trying to make his voice light and cheerful.

"Umm about the same as always," mumbled Meredith, still not really looking at him.

"He's still…"

"Yeah, he still is," answered Meredith, cutting Finn off before he could say the word married. "Is Doc back here?" she asked hopefully, wanting to change the subject.

"Yeah, hold on a second." Finn disappeared into a small closet and reappeared holding a wooden box in his arms. He set it down on the table and Meredith walked over to it, running her hands along the wooden edges, feeling her eyes starting to tear up.

"You got him a box," she whispered. "You didn't have to do that."

"It was nothing. You loved your dog." Meredith nodded, still staring down at the box. "Derek…"

"What?" asked Meredith, looking up. "Finn, I don't…" But Finn wasn't talking to her, he was staring past her. Slowly Meredith turned around to see Derek standing in the doorway. "Derek," she said, smiling a little through her tears. "You came…" She turned back to the box, her fingers still tracing the grooves in the wood. "It's Doc…he's…" She shrugged her shoulders, and fell silent.

"Hey," said Derek quietly, walking over to her. "Are you okay Mer?" he asked, placing a hand on the box.

"Yeah…I guess. I still miss him," she said hoarsely, carefully avoiding both Finn and Derek's eyes.

"I know, I do too," agreed Derek before glancing up at Finn. "Evening Dr. Dandridge," he said coolly.

"Dr. Shepherd, how nice of you to join us. Will your wife be coming as well?"

"Finn, please…" begged Meredith, finally looking up.

"It's a fair enough question, she was one of Doc's caretakers," said Finn sharply, still staring at Derek through narrowed eyes.

"Actually, she's not coming, and she's not my wife anymore," said Derek quietly. Meredith whirled around to look at him.

"What?" she gasped. "Since when?"

"Since yesterday. We're getting a divorce."

"Seriously?" Meredith looked at him incredulously. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I've been trying to…" began Derek, but Finn cut him off.

"Typical," laughed Finn bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief. "First you don't tell her you're married, then you don't tell her you're not. Anything to mess her up just a little bit more, eh Shepherd?"

"What?" snapped Derek, his eyes flashing. "I never meant to hurt Meredith. She's the last person I would ever want to hurt."

"Umm…" stammered Meredith, looking anxiously back and forth between the two men arguing over her dog's dead body. "I think…" But they didn't seem to hear her, they were too busy glaring at each other.

"Right," snorted Finn. "Then why is she so messed up? Why is she so hurt? She wouldn't be caught up in this twisted mess if it wasn't for you. "

"Hey," said Meredith quietly. "I'm not messed up…alright no, I am. I'll give you that one." She was shaking her head in disbelief. She hadn't imagined it was possible for Finn to look so angry. His cheeks were flushed and he was leaning heavily on the table, his eyes boring into Derek.

"Oh and you think you know her so well? You think you know what's best for her?" Derek's blue eyes darkened until they appeared almost black. "You have _no idea _what Meredith's been through," he said. He wasn't yelling, but his voice was low and deadly serious.

"I know it's all because of you," snapped Finn, his voice rising. "You're the reason she hardly lets anyone in. You're the reason she won't let me make her happy."

"Maybe you just don't know how to," sneered Derek.

"Okay…umm, I'm just gonna go," stammered Meredith, moving forward toward Doc's box. "I'm just going to take my dog, and if we could all just breathe…" She struggled to lift the box, but it was a large box, and while she was readjusting her grip, Finn started yelling again. Sighing, she let the box rest back on the table and turned to look at him.

"No, you're the reason. You're the reason she cries, the reason she drinks herself senseless." Finn shook his head, looking at Derek in disgust. "You're the reason she thinks love is nothing more then being some man's mistress! What is she to you, just someone to fuck when you're bored with your wife? You make me sick Shepherd, she deserves better then you."

"Finn…don't, please don't say that…" pleaded Meredith, her voice shaky and barely more then a whisper. She was gripping Doc's casket tightly, as if to keep from falling down, and tears streaked her face. "I'm sorry…I'm gonna…I just wanted my dog…" stammered Meredith, speaking so softly that neither of them could even hear her. "I'm gonna go." Straining, she managed to lift the box in her arms and get it off the table.

Derek looked as if he was about to punch Finn, his fists clenched, his blue eyes dark as coal. When he spoke it was through clenched teeth. "What is she to me? What is she! I would die for her, gladly. She is _everything_ to me." Meredith spun around to stare at Derek, her eyes wide with shock, nearly dropping the casket as she did. "You have no idea how much I love Meredith. None at all."

"Oh…" gasped Meredith, a rush of disbelief and hope and fear and a thousand other things she couldn't name overtaking her, and leaving her feeling completely overwhelmed. She felt her body begin to shake, her fingers grasping for a hold on the casket. She staggered forward, catching the box seconds before it crashed to the ground.

"Meredith," said Derek, turning instantly towards her. "Let me help you, you're going to hurt yourself."

"It's too heavy for you," said Finn, walking around the table to where they stood. "Let me carry it to your car."

Meredith looked back and forth between the two of them. Her mind was racing, leaving her feeling dizzy and breathless. "No, I've got it," she managed to stammer as she backed towards the door. "Really, I'm fine…thanks." Her eyes darted from Derek to Finn and back to Derek as she clutched Doc's box desperately to her chest. The wood was digging painfully into her arms and Meredith knew that if she stood there much longer she really would have to let them help her. "I'm good," she whispered, wanting desperately to just be left alone for a few minutes. To have a chance to think, a moment to process everything she'd heard. The world had started reeling when Derek said that he loved her, and it hadn't stopped yet.

And so Meredith turned and walked out the door, going as fast as the box she was holding would let her. She didn't look up when the secretary called out a puzzled "goodnight dear." She just kept on walking until she was outside, until she felt like she could try to breathe again. Her fingers were sore and splintered, her arms and back throbbing from the stress of the casket. She stumbled again, finally giving up and letting the box fall to the ground. It landed on her toe and Meredith winced in pain. She sank down onto the grass, cursing as she rubbed her foot. After a moment, the pain lessened and Meredith closed her eyes, sighing as she leaned back against the door of her car. She still felt completely overwhelmed.

Derek Shepherd had said he loved her, and now the world just wouldn't stop reeling.


	12. Ch 12: The World Turned Over

_A/N - This is a somewhat shorter, transitional chapter to get from the argument to what I want to happen next chapter. Anyway, I'm super tired so this is a short note as well. I just wanted to say thanks so much for the lovely reviews. I'm really happy you guys seem to find the characters believable, that's been a goal of mine. So anyway, thanks again. Please review and enjoy the story!_

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"Oww…" muttered Meredith, staring down at her hand. "Oww, oww!" She was sitting in the grass with Doc's box by her feet, struggling to get a splinter out of her finger. But it was in her right hand, and she was fumbling unsuccessfully at it with her left, only managing to shove the sliver of wood in a little bit deeper. She gasped and bit her lip, trying to ignore how ridiculous she must look sitting in the grass with a dead dog at her feet, muttering to herself.

"Meredith?" She glanced up to see Derek walking towards her. He knelt down beside her, his eyes filled with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Splinter," she mumbled, showing him her finger.

"Oh…give me your hand," he said softly. Meredith stared stubbornly at the grass, but let him take her hand. She winced as he touched the splinter. It was a thin little sliver, and he couldn't quite get it with his bare hands. "Do you have any tweezers Meredith?" he asked.

"In my bag," she said, nudging her purse towards him with her foot, trying not to smile at how he had slipped completely into his doctor voice over a simple splinter. "So…" continued Meredith as he fished through the makeup bag in her purse. "After I left…back there, the two of you…you didn't beat each other up did you?" Derek made a short low sound, a bit like laughing, and shook his head.

"No, we didn't."

"Mmhmm," said Meredith softly, not even wanting to imagine what the two of them had said after she'd left. She felt a sudden small stab of pain in her finger, and turned back to see Derek pull the splinter out. "Thanks," she whispered as his fingers traced along the lines of her palm, brushing against her fingertips.

"Of course." Derek turned to look at her, smiling as he slipped the tweezers back into her purse. Meredith smiled hesitantly back before turning to stare at Doc's casket. The two of them sat together in silence, leaning against the door of Meredith's car. She was trying to forget the fact that she had just been in the middle of a very huge, very unexpected argument, but it wasn't working. She had to ask.

"Derek…" began Meredith shakily. He nodded instantly, looking back at her, but Meredith kept her eyes trained on the ground. "What Finn said…about you and me." She paused and bit her lip, not really wanting to ask but forcing herself to go on. "What he said, that wasn't true, right? I'm not just some girl you screw, just because you're bored with your marriage?"

"No Meredith, no. A thousand times no. You can't seriously believe that," said Derek, grasping her hand tightly. He was staring straight into her, watching her so intently that Meredith gave in and looked up to meet his eyes. His face was completely serious. "I meant everything I said."

"You did?" whispered Meredith. Derek frowned, seeming shocked that she would even need to ask.

"Yes. I did," he continued gently, his fingers still tracing circles over her palms, making her hands tingle. "I love you Meredith." Meredith felt that overwhelming reeling sensation come rushing back and she looked away.

"Oh," she managed to gasp, her voice still little more then a whisper. Derek nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry about Addison, about everything that's happened with us. For going back to her when all I wanted was to stay with you." His voice trailed off and he fell silent. Meredith closed her eyes to keep from crying, letting her fingers lace together with Derek's. "I'm sorry I hadn't told you about leaving Addison," he continued after a moment. "I meant to…"

"No," interrupted Meredith, grateful for a comment she could finally reply to calmly. "I know you meant to. I haven't exactly been letting us talk, remember?" She risked a quick glance at Derek, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards. He smiled in agreement and nodded his head. "I left Finn," she added softly. "A few days after the prom."

"Yeah?" said Derek, his voice soft and gentle, not pushing for further explanation.

"Yeah," echoed Meredith, shaking her head. "Pretty much because I was sleeping with you." She paused and looked thoughtfully down at her hands, hating the idea the second it formed in her mind. "Is that what ruined your marriage?" she stammered quietly. "Me sleeping with you…is that…did that make you get divorced?" She looked worriedly up at Derek, feeling suddenly helpless and very guilty. "I didn't mean to destroy your marriage," she said softly.

"No it didn't, you didn't destroy it Mer." Meredith nodded cautiously, still watching him warily. "I can't say it helped save anything," he added with a wry smile. "But no, that didn't destroy us. Addison and I…our marriage was over a long time ago. Before prom, before I met you, before Seattle. Even before Mark." He sighed heavily and looked away, staring out at the sky. The light was starting to fade, the horizon beginning to turn orange and red. "Addison and I had been prolonging the end for a very long time. We've just been two people living together, coexisting. It takes something more then that to make a marriage. You just helped me realize that…" His voice trailed off again and Meredith nodded, letting her head fall down to rest against his shoulder. The world seemed still and peaceful, the sunset painting the sky with ribbons of color. Meredith didn't want to have to move, she didn't want to have to consider what came next. To have Derek back, completely back, was all that she had wanted for months and it suddenly seemed completely possible. There was no more Addison, no more marriage. There was nothing to hold them back, and yet, Meredith had never felt more afraid. She felt paralyzed on the brink of something enormous that she couldn't fully understand, and so she just sat there.

"So…" said Derek at last, twisting around to look at her.

"So," echoed Meredith softly.

"What do you want to do now?" It was a loaded question, full of _"What are we?" _and _"Where do we go from here?" _Meredith shook her head, not wanting to answer or even knowing how.

"I don't know," she whispered, still staring out at the sunset. "I don't know Derek." He sighed and nodded, his lips pursed tightly together.

"Well," he said, breaking the silence that had fallen over them again. "For now, we could just go and bury Doc?" His voice was low and gentle, as if he understood how overwhelmed she felt. Meredith found herself straightening up and smiling as she turned to look at him.

"Yeah," she agreed quietly. "We could do that."

-----

It was dusk by the time Meredith stood in the clearing overlooking the water, watching as Derek dug a hole. The water was a deep indigo, shimmering on top from the pale light of a sliver moon and the stars that were just starting to appear. The sky stretched endlessly overhead, and everything smelled fresh and green and alive. Meredith breathed in deeply, realizing just how much she had missed this place. Derek turned to look at her, a strange bright light in his eyes as he watched her standing there, her long hair blowing about in the wind.

"You're shivering," he said.

"No, I'm fine," argued Meredith, shaking her head. But a particularly cold gust of air blew in off the water, and she shivered noticeably. Derek just smirked and set down the shovel, walking towards her.

"Come here, you horrible liar," he laughed as he caught her arm and pulled her towards him. "Your hands are like ice, you're freezing. Take this." Meredith shook her head again to protest, but he had already slipped his jacket off and wrapped it around her. It lay heavily on her shoulders, smelling vaguely of leather and aftershave and Derek. Meredith smiled despite herself, and leaned towards him.

"Fine," she agreed, her voice dipping low and soft. "If you insist."

Derek nodded slowly, his hand brushing against her cheek. Meredith swallowed hard and shivered again despite the sudden warmth of Derek's coat. Their lips were hovering barely an inch apart, and she knew Derek could probably feel her heart beating rapidly against his chest. It would be so easy to lean in and kiss him, and yet she felt frozen. _It shouldn't be a big deal_ Meredith reminded herself. _You rip off his pants without any problem_. But somehow, she knew it was a big deal. They were standing outside where they had been _them_, where they had spent mornings curled up together in blankets, watching the sunrise before driving in to work. They were standing in a place that had been completely private and their own, from before the name Addison meant anything to her…and Meredith couldn't fool herself. It would mean something to kiss Derek here. It would be the kind of kiss Meredith knew she could get hurt from again, and so instead she shied away, clearing her throat.

"Are we gonna bury Doc?" she mumbled as she looked down at the empty hole in the ground..

"Yeah," said Derek, giving her a sad smile. They didn't speak as they took the box that held Doc and slowly lowered it into the ground. But when the last shovel of dirt had been tossed back into the hole, Meredith sank to her knees and looked up at Derek, her hand reaching out to pat the cool damp earth.

"You know," she began quietly. "I know I shouldn't cry, I mean it seems like nothing when Izzie's lost Denny. I just lost a dog…not the man I was going to marry, but still…" She shrugged and looked back down at the grave. "I do miss him."

"I know," agreed Derek, kneeling down beside her. "People miss their dogs though Meredith, we can miss our dog." Meredith smiled a little, flopping down on her back in the grass.

"I've missed the stars out here too," said Meredith softly before she could stop herself. But the sky was dark now and stars were scattered all over the deep blue-black of the night, hundreds of brilliant little drops of white. They were too perfect to not mention. Derek sighed in agreement. Meredith shifted and caught sight of the trailer in the distance. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Is…umm, does Addison still live here?"

"No," said Derek softly. "She went to a hotel."

"Oh. Right," mumbled Meredith, not really sure why she asked or why she and Derek were still laying in the grass staring at the stars. "Derek?" she asked again, and Derek rolled over to look at her.

"Meredith Grey," he said, grinning down at her as he spoke. Meredith sighed and smiled, feeling on the verge of turning back into the brand new intern falling head-over-heels for her boss. It took a great deal of effort, but Meredith managed to prop herself up on her elbows and shoot him a completely serious look.

"I'm not staying here tonight," she said evenly, her eyes searching Derek's face as she spoke. He didn't flinch or even seem surprised, he simply nodded his head.

"I figured as much," he said at last, with only the vaguest hint of a smirk playing across his face. They stared at each other for a moment, and Meredith wondered if they were about to do the whole serious discussion thing. But Derek just sighed and got up, and Meredith felt a sudden wash of relief. "Come on." He reached down for her, and pulled her easily to her feet.

"Derek…I'm," stammered Meredith. He nodded, watching her expectantly. They were standing close together, their eyes shining brightly in the darkness. Meredith realized it would be dangerously easy to forget everything bad that had happened between them, to trust as blindly and foolishly as she had before, and the thought made her dizzy. She shivered and pulled away. "Nothing…" she whispered. "I've gotta go."

-----

Meredith sighed as she pushed open her front door. Her body felt heavy and exhausted, and she just wanted sleep.

"Well look who finally came home."

Meredith frowned in confusion. The voice wasn't Izzie's or George's. But it was a familiar one, just one that was rarely in her home. It was Alex's. She walked into the front room to find him sitting comfortably on her couch, his feet propped up and a huge plate of leftover cupcakes in his lap. Izzie was sitting next to him, holding the remote in her hand and flipping almost violently through the channels.

"What are you doing here Alex?" asked Meredith, grimacing apologetically as she heard how harsh her voice came out. But then she remembered how he'd called Derek over during lunch, and she resumed her glaring.

"You drove Izzie to work, and left her without a way to get home," replied Alex as he crammed half a cupcake into his mouth.

"Oh…" gasped Meredith. "Shit, I'm sorry Iz. I wasn't thinking, I went to go get my dog's body." _Great job there_, thought Meredith instantly. _I just had to bring up dead things._ But Izzie didn't seem to mind, just shrugged and set down the remote.

"It's fine. Don't worry," she said, but as she turned to look at Meredith, her expression changed. She raised an eyebrow, the corner of her mouth lifting up into a half smile. "Meredith," she began slowly, and Meredith nodded. "Whose jacket are you wearing?"

"Um," said Meredith hesitantly, only then realizing that she still had Derek's coat draped over her. She tugged it a little closer, her fingers lingering gently over the fabric. "It's Derek's."

"Ha," laughed Alex, leaning forward eagerly. "Come on, lets have our evening update. The sexcapades of Seattle Grace's very own dirty mistress!" He rubbed his hands together and wiggled his eyebrows, and didn't stop laughing until Izzie shot him a dirty look.

"First of all, did you just say sexcapades?" asked Meredith in disbelief. "If Christina were here right now, she would slap you for that. Secondly, I didn't have sex with him today, we buried our dog. And thirdly," she continued, rather shocked at the note of pride that was creeping into her voice. "I'm once again an ex mistress. He's getting a divorce."

"Seriously? Shepherd finally gave it up?" Alex blinked and dropped the cupcake he was holding. Meredith just nodded, sinking down to sit on the floor.

"Oh Mer, that's great. I'm really, really happy for you," gushed Izzie, but Meredith could hear the slight note of tension that had slipped into her voice. Izzie smiled happily but her eyes seemed to glisten a little, and she started flipping quickly through the TV channels again.

"Yeah…" agreed Meredith awkwardly, leaning forward to snatch a cupcake. "So…umm, how'd things go with Bailey?"

"Okay," said Izzie softly. "She told me lots of different things I could do, like switching to a different specialty or working outside of a hospital in a clinic." She paused and looked down at her lap, but Alex leaned forward, touching her gently on the arm. She glanced back up, a fleeting smile crossing her face. "I don't know what I want to do," she continued. "Bailey said I could come and work in the pit whenever I wanted…maybe take on a case or two if I felt I could handle it. That way, I could still log hours as an intern. It would make it easier if I decided I wanted to go into a different field, or…go back…go back into surgery." Izzie fell silent again, fidgeting nervously with the strands of hair that had escaped from her ponytail.

"That's great Izzie," said Meredith warmly. "Are you going to…we all miss you, you know."

"Yeah…I don't know," shrugged Izzie. "Maybe. I mean the pit is hardly glamorous, but it would be doing something. I don't know," she repeated. "But Bailey was really nice about it, she said she didn't want to see me waste my gift." A proud little half smile crept across Izzie's face. "She was very un-Bailey-like, almost like one of those really cool moms that exist only on TV."

"Yeah…seriously," snorted Meredith and Alex at the same time. They both glanced up, their eyes meeting over the coffee table as they exchanged a quick grimace over their shared parental issues.

"She said I wasn't allowed to let you guys know she could be nice," added Izzie happily, leaning back into the pillows. The sound of the house phone ringing in the kitchen filled the air, and Meredith scrambled to her feet, offering to go answer it. She reemerged a moment later, standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"It's for you Iz…" she said quietly as she hesitantly offered Izzie the phone. The atmosphere in the room changed instantaneously, all the laughter just fading away. Izzie pressed the phone to her ear with a trembling hand, and walked immediately out of the door and into the kitchen. Meredith and Alex sat in silence, staring at the empty doorway. They couldn't hear anything more then the occasional mumbled sound of agreement. Meredith chewed anxiously on her lip, and Alex sat with his head in his hands. Izzie was only gone for a minute or two, but time seemed to have slowed to a crawl. When she finally reappeared, her face was ashen and her eyes looked hollow. Tears were already starting to spill down her cheeks.

"Denny's…" she stammered, nearly choking as she tried to get out his name. "His funeral is Thursday morning." Her voice had faded to barely more then a whisper by the time she had made it to the word morning. _In two days_ thought Meredith instantly, realizing in a rush of relief that she actually had the day off. The phone clattered to the floor and Izzie looked down, seeming surprised that she had dropped it. She shrugged and let out a miserable little moan, her shoulders starting to shake. "I can't…how am I…I can't watch him go in the ground," managed Izzie, her eyes growing wide and desperate.

"You can do it," said Alex quietly, getting up and leading her back to the couch. "I know it seems impossible to watch, but you can do it. You're strong enough." He took her shaking hands in his, and Izzie looked up hesitantly at him.

"I don't know…" she began.

"No, you can Izzie. You need to do this, you need to give yourself a chance to say goodbye to him." Izzie nodded slowly. "And we'll all be there for you."

"Yeah, we will," agreed Meredith, watching Alex in amazement. He was radiating that same bizarre quality of honesty, gentleness and firmness that he'd had when he lifted Izzie away from Denny's body. Meredith was having a hard time fitting kind concerned Alex and the typical smartass into the same body, but she didn't say anything. She could see how much he cared for Izzie written plainly in his eyes. And somehow it seemed to reach through to Izzie because she nodded again, this time with more confidence.

"Okay," she said quietly. "Okay…"

"Okay," repeated Alex, and Izzie fell into him with a sigh. Meredith walked over and gave Izzie a hug. With her head on Alex's shoulder, Izzie managed to smile a little through her tears, and Meredith left the two of them alone to the strange and silent understanding they seemed to have.

-----

When Meredith finally laid down on her bed, she was greeted with a familiar and frustrating problem. She was _exhausted_, and yet she couldn't sleep. She rolled over on her side, glaring in the dark at the empty half of the bed to her right. That was the real problem. It was empty and she didn't know exactly why she'd wanted it empty. For the first time in months, it could easily have Derek in it. _Or…_thought Meredith. _I could be in his bed…his bed's half empty now too._ She sighed and rolled back over, positioning herself so that she lay in the very middle of the bed in an attempt to hide the emptiness. But her head hit the headboard and she groaned in frustration. _Great…now I'm imagining him on top of me _realized Meredith.

Nothing seemed to help. She was having a hard time forgetting that Derek had said he loved her, and she had no idea what to do about it. She felt relieved, thrilled. _No, ecstatic, _Meredith mentally corrected herself. _And confused and completely terrified._ When she thought about it for too long, that strange dizzy feeling would return and she would find herself swept up and involuntarily remembering countless moments with Derek. Fleeting glances, long conversations, crying in his arms, lots and lots of sex. But mostly, it was that indescribable feeling of perfect happiness, of something so safe and lasting and so completely wonderful that it almost seemed impossible for it to be real. That was what she remembered most. That, and of course the gut wrenching, hollow feeling that had consumed her on the day that everything had been shattered and snatched away from her.

"Stupid empty bed," muttered Meredith, sitting up and switching on the lamp by her bed. She blinked in the sudden light, her eyes landing on her phone where it lay nestled in its charger. She contemplated getting up and calling Derek. She wasn't sure how she knew for sure, but she _knew_ he would answer if she called. He would pick up and say hello, his voice low and a little hoarse, the way it always got in the middle of the night. Derek would lay there and let her talk about anything, about Izzie and her grief, or work, or her mother…whatever it took so that her mind could finally stop spinning and she could fall asleep. Meredith wished that she could call, but she just couldn't do it. Her hand flat out refused to reach over and grab the phone. _Just think about nothing, _Meredith reminded herself. But her bed was obviously empty and so was Derek's, and Finn's, and Addison's. Meredith got up and padded over to the window, staring out at the dark street and trying to ignore the idea that four people were probably lonely tonight all because of her.

As she shifted to peer further down the quiet street, Meredith's hand grazed against something soft and warm. It was Derek's jacket, draped over the back of a chair. Meredith reached out for it automatically and pulled it towards her. It still smelled completely like Derek. She sighed and walked back to bed, turning off the lamp and curling up beneath the jacket as if it was a blanket. Meredith's eyes were closing before she even realized it, her body finally giving in to exhaustion and the soft folds of the bed, coaxed quickly along by the simple presence of the jacket spread over her.


	13. Ch 13: Back to the Remedy

_A/N - My apologies for the somewhat slower update with this chapter. For some reason, it was very difficult to write. I had all the various scenes planned out, but I kept switching the order in which they happened around. I think I changed it about five times before coming up with this sequence. So anyway, that's why this took a bit longer. And thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed my story. Seriously, it totally makes my day to hear that someone is enjoying reading this. That's all for now, read away and hopefully enjoy and comment!_

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Meredith hadn't meant to be late for work, but she had spent an extra half hour laying in bed wondering what exactly she and Derek could be. She had meant to get up and be practical, but she woke up wrapped in his jacket, and so thoughts of Derek just seemed natural. Meredith hated that thinking of him left her with this peculiar prickling sensation in her stomach, something that felt a little bit like fear. It made her freeze up at the thought of going to the trailer with him again or being _Derek and Meredith _again. She didn't know how they would even go about being the old them again, the whole idea made her more nervous then she'd ever thought was possible. But at the same time, she was breathing in the scent of his jacket and grinning ridiculously at the thought of seeing him at work sans Addison. So, understandably, it took her a rather long time to get out of bed. And then there was the fact that she could hear Izzie crying in her bedroom. In order to avoid yet again being a bad friend, Meredith had gone and made Izzie some tea and then sat with her as she talked through sobs about Denny. Meredith honestly hadn't expected her to have so much to say. Izzie had been fairly quiet lately, but somehow the news of the funeral had unleashed an unexpected tirade of memories and feelings and emotions that Izzie seemed to need to discuss. So, by the time Meredith finally made it to work, she was rather late and definitely sick of all things related to feelings.

_This won't be good_ thought Meredith to herself as she walked over to where Bailey was standing. Bailey turned around and glared up at her.

"Grey, I am going to assume you are late because you were taking care of your grieving roommate and not because you wanted a little extra sleep this morning." Meredith raised her eyebrows in a look of total astonishment.

"How did…" she began curiously, but Bailey cut her off.

"You're late, you don't get to ask questions. I'm well aware that Denny Duquette's funeral is tomorrow. That said, you're still stuck on discharge." Meredith nodded her head, trying to pretend she was annoyed. "Why are you smiling?" asked Bailey skeptically as she handed Meredith the heavy stack of patient files awaiting discharge.

"I'm not smiling," insisted Meredith, staggering slightly under the sudden weight.

"Then why are you still standing here?" continued Bailey, further narrowing her eyes at Meredith. Meredith just shrugged.

"I'm going," she said at once, whirling around to walk down the hallway. Meredith was secretly glad to have the tedious, entirely non-surgical task of seeing to the release of patients. Surgical interns normally found nothing of interest in signing off on papers for patients who had already finished their treatment. But Meredith had been unable to get the face of the little, dark-haired girl she'd treated the day before for a fractured wrist out of her mind. Doing discharge meant that she would get to see personally to Logan's release and have time to check up on the little girl.

After a few hours, Meredith had finally worked her way down the list of patients, and she found herself walking slowly down the hall towards Logan Norris's room. It looked too large and sterile for the little girl sitting alone in the middle of it. The abundance of balloons and flowers and stuffed animals didn't do much to distract from the cold barrenness of the white walls, and the child didn't seem particularly interested in them anyway. She just sat with her knees huddled to her chest, her bloodshot eyes staring blankly at the dirty window. Meredith knocked softly on the open door.

"Logan?" she asked, and the girl turned around, nodding slightly. "I checked with Dr. Torres, you get to…" Meredith paused, catching herself just in time. Somehow "you get to go home now" didn't seem quite fitting. "You don't have to stay here another night," she said instead. "How's your wrist feeling?"

"S'alright…" mumbled Logan with a shrug. Meredith knew that, medically speaking, Logan Norris was perfectly fine and good to go home. But that seemed like a worthless, empty label when it was perfectly clear that Logan was leaving the hospital a broken shell of the person she had been when she came in. Meredith sighed and walked around to where Logan was sitting.

"You've got lots of pretty flowers," she said gently, her fingers trailing over a bouquet of white lilies tied up with pink ribbon that lay settled next to a little teddy bear.

"I guess…" mumbled Logan. "My aunt Jenny got them all for me." Meredith hesitated for a moment, frowning down at the expressionless face of the little girl before sitting down beside her on the bed.

"They aren't really helping are they?" she asked quietly. Logan looked up suddenly, her gray eyes meeting Meredith's as she shook her head.

"No," she whispered. Logan appeared to study Meredith for a moment, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully. "Dr. Grey," she continued, and Meredith nodded. "Is it true that…my mom can't ever wake up again?" Meredith nodded again.

"Yeah Logan…it is true."

"Why?" asked Logan, her voice starting to tremble a little. "She looks okay…just sleeping." Meredith swallowed hard, trying to figure out how to explain brain damage to a ten year old.

"Well, in the car crash, your mom hit her head really hard." Logan nodded, looking up at her expectantly. "It's like how you fractured your wrist, only you can see where that happened. Remember how your arm got bruised?" Logan nodded again and Meredith forced herself to continue. "Well we can't see your mom's injury because she hurt her brain, so it looks like she's just sleeping. But it really is hurt."

"Badly?" whispered Logan.

"Yeah Logan, badly. Her brain isn't able to take care of her body anymore, or think up new thoughts and ideas. She's there but her mind can't feel anything anymore," said Meredith sadly, struggling to keep her own eyes from tearing up, but Logan just nodded once more, her young face growing very serious.

"That's why aunt Jenny says we have to let her go? Because her mind doesn't work now?"

"Yeah sweetie…pretty much." Meredith started to get up off the bed, thinking that she should go get the social worker or anyone who could do a better job of explaining, but Logan reached out and grabbed her hand.

"We're going to go say goodbye to her today…and I have to go with stupid hair." Meredith looked down, frowning at the sudden statement. Logan was pouting, her lip sticking out and her gray eyes darkening almost desperately. Meredith considered the girl's hair. It had been carefully done up in two pigtails, each one tied off with blue ribbons that matched her sweater.

"You don't like pigtails?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"No," replied Logan at once. "Pigtails are for babies." She twisted about to look gravely at Meredith. "My mom always does my hair in a French braid for important things…and this is important. But aunt Jenny doesn't know how to do French braids." Logan glared back down at the blanket spread over her legs. "I couldn't tell her pigtails are stupid because she keeps crying when she thinks I'm asleep, but they are. I hate them." She tugged angrily on one of the pigtails.

"Do you want me to braid your hair?" asked Meredith. Logan looked up at her hopefully.

"You can French braid?"

"I can," agreed Meredith, smiling sadly. Logan nodded her head at once and scooted back along the bed into Meredith's lap. Meredith sighed and quickly wiped her eyes before pulling the girl's long dark hair out of its pigtails and starting to braid it. For awhile they just sat in silence as Meredith's fingers smoothed the strands of hair out and wove them together.

"Dr. Grey…do you think I ever won't miss my mom?" Logan's voice was thin and filled with tears that hadn't yet been spilled. Meredith could feel her shoulders shake a little with the effort to sound normal.

"No," said Meredith softly, not wanting to lie to the child. "You never stop missing your mom. It gets easier, but it still always hurts." At her words, Logan twisted around and Meredith had to move the braid quickly out of the way. She gave Meredith a skeptical look.

"Are you sure?" she asked, knitting her eyebrows together.

"I'm sure," said Meredith. Logan hesitated but then nodded and turned back around.

"You still miss your mom too Dr. Grey?" asked Logan quietly after a moment. Meredith looked down in surprise, wondering how someone so small could be so perceptive.

"Yeah, I guess I do," she said softly.

"What happened to her?"

"She has Alzheimer's. Do you know what that is?" Logan shook her head no. "It means her brain is sick, like your mom's. But my mom is still awake while her mind breaks down." Meredith paused, unsure if she should go on, but Logan nodded curiously. "She's just slowly forgetting things, her memories, how to take care of herself…me, eventually everything will be gone." Meredith shrugged and tied the blue ribbon back at the bottom of Logan's braid. "There you go, you're all done." Logan hopped down and turned to look at her.

"So your mom's brain is injured too, but hers is getting sick slowly?" She looked expectantly at Meredith who nodded. "Then she's stuck here, she can't move on like my mom can," said Logan thoughtfully.

"Yeah, she's stuck," agreed Meredith sadly, reaching out to smooth back a stray strand of Logan's hair. Logan seemed to suddenly notice the braid, and lifted her uninjured arm to trace the length of it. She smiled when she reached the ribbon at the bottom.

"Thank you for my braid," she said quietly. Meredith nodded and stood as she caught sight of a young woman walking into the room. She had short blonde hair that fell around her face in messy ringlets, but her eyes were the same gray as Logan's.

"Aunt Jenny," said Logan, scooting off the bed and walking over to her. "Dr. Grey did my hair in a French braid." She turned around, tilting her head forward so that her aunt could get a good look at her hair.

"That's lovely," said the woman, resting her hand on Logan's shoulder. "Your mom would think you look lovely." She paused and looked away, blinking rapidly. "You know Logan," she continued after a moment. "I think it's time for us to go say goodbye to her now." The woman's voice trembled noticeably, but she managed to smile for her niece.

"Okay…" agreed Logan softly, still playing with the long end of her braid. She paused at the doorway and looked back to wave at Meredith. "Bye Dr. Grey."

"Goodbye Logan," said Meredith, waving back as she gathered up the little girl's charts. The young woman sighed and ran her hand over the smooth twists of the French braid, as she silently mouthed _thank you _to Meredith. Meredith nodded, watching as the woman reached down for Logan's hand and lead her out of the room.

Meredith wandered slowly down the hall, wishing that there was more that she could do. She could still see the little girl waiting for the elevator with her aunt. Meredith sighed and pushed her hair out of her eyes as she walked over to the nurses' station to finish filling out Logan's discharge papers. But Derek was standing there, going over a chart with George, and Meredith almost turned and walked away.

"Hey," called Derek, looking up at her. Meredith sighed again and flipped open the little girl's chart. George looked warily back and forth between the two of them before shrugging and walking away.

"Hey," said Meredith quietly, keeping her focus trained on the paper, quickly signing her name next to every box marked M.D. There was something about Logan Norris that made Meredith want to cry. She wasn't sure if it was because she was so young or because suddenly nothing seemed fair, or what it was exactly. She just knew that thinking about the little girl left her with an empty hollow feeling inside, one that she didn't want to discuss with anyone.

"So you know, you stole my jacket," Derek said, smiling at her. Meredith could tell, without looking up, that Derek was in a painfully good mood. It didn't seem fair that he could be so happy when she felt confused and empty. Standing close to him was only helping make her more confused.

"I know," she said absently. "I'm holding it hostage."

"Seriously? For how long?" asked Derek, leaning against the counter and smirking.

"Interminably," replied Meredith, still not taking her focus from the papers in front of her. Derek opened his mouth to reply, but frowned and straightened up, catching hold of her frantically scribbling hand.

"Mer…are you okay?" She looked up at him, her eyes still distracted.

"No…yes. Yeah," she stammered, bringing her focus back to Derek. She sighed and tried to smile, suddenly aware that the nurses sitting behind the counter had fallen silent, their hands paused mid-keystroke. "I mean I'm fine, totally." He looked at her doubtfully but didn't push the point. Meredith turned away again, passing Logan Norris's discharge papers to the head nurse. "She's good to go," said Meredith calmly, purposely ignoring the questioning look in the nurse's eyes. "Der…" Meredith paused mid syllable and made a face. "Dr. Shepherd I'm fine. Gotta go, working here." She turned away and walked down the hall.

"What, I'm Dr. Shepherd again?" asked Derek following quickly after her, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I was being professional. We're being professional," said Meredith simply, trying to ignore the fact that her heart was racing just because she was walking next to Derek. She really had no idea what she was doing. She wasn't sure if she cared that people knew about the two of them, she wasn't sure what the two of them even were. Common sense told her people couldn't go from a divorce and an affair to a relationship in a single day. Common sense also told her that this was the sort of thing that she should be discussing with Derek. She didn't know why she was so afraid of actually having that conversation with him, but she knew she didn't want to. And she needed something to distract her from the hollow feeling in her stomach. As she spotted an empty on-call room at the end of the hall, Meredith suddenly felt pretty sure that she'd never been a big fan of common sense.

"Professional? You? Me? Since when, Dr. Grey?" Derek leaned towards her, smirking as he watched her out of the corner of his eye. Meredith smirked back at him, tugging on the edge of his lab coat so that he moved closer to her.

"Stop asking so many questions," she muttered softly, her words managing to be half teasing and half serious. She gave him a look that didn't leave him much choice but to follow her into the on-call room. Derek raised an eyebrow as Meredith pushed the door closed behind them.

"So does that mean we're actually going to discuss what we're doing about us?" he asked hopefully. Meredith just laughed as she pulled Derek towards her.

"No," she managed to say before she leaned in and kissed him. It was easy to kiss Derek in the hospital, easy to imagine it meant only just as much as it did when Derek was still with Addison. Granted she'd been lying to herself then as well, but Meredith didn't see any reason to give up the pretense now. Meredith wanted to kiss Derek, no _needed _to kiss him. Somehow taking off his shirt made everything that had been bothering her earlier just go numb and shut up.

"But…" mumbled Derek, pulling away after a moment. "Seriously, shouldn't we talk about what all of this means?" Meredith looked at him incredulously as she kicked her shoes off.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Nothing? Come on Mer, at least let me take you out to dinner tonight. We can talk then," suggested Derek.

"Can't," came Meredith's muffled reply as she pulled off the shirt she'd been wearing under her scrubs and dropped it on the floor. She folded her arms over her chest and stared at him through narrowed eyes. "Seriously Derek, stop talking and take off your pants." Derek laughed and shook his head, but didn't protest. He just reached out for her, his hands fitting easily around her narrow waist as he pulled her back to him. Meredith let her mind go deliciously blank as she felt Derek's lips start to trail down her neck, and simply tumbled backward with him onto the empty bed.

-----

"Meredith…you look like crap."

"Huh?" stammered Meredith as she glanced up from the last of her discharge papers. Christina was walking down the hall towards her, picking absently at a muffin. "What are you talking about?" asked Meredith, nervously putting a hand to the hair she knew Derek had messed up. "I look fine."

"Your scrubs are on inside-out," smirked Christina. "And…" She wagged a finger in the direction of Meredith's neck. Meredith slid her hand down from her hair to clamp it over her neck.

"What?" she asked, annoyance creeping into her voice as she gathered up the papers she'd been going through. Christina just put a hand on Meredith's back, pushing her down the hall and into the nearby washroom.

"That," replied Christina as Meredith peered into the mirror. "Are we back in high school now?"

"Ooh you have got to be kidding me," hissed Meredith as she examined the obvious reddish mark that had appeared on the side of her neck. "Seriously? A hickey, seriously!" She yanked her hair out of its ponytail and down over her shoulders. Christina just laughed as she hopped up to sit on the sink. "Okay, there. That's better," said Meredith after a moment, twisting around to examine her neck in the mirror.

"Your top is still inside out," said Christina matter-of-factly before grinning and starting to laugh again. Meredith just moaned and walked into a stall to change.

"You and Shepherd sure didn't waste any time celebrating the demise of his marriage," remarked Christina, as she tossed the last of her muffin into the trash.

"No," called Meredith from inside the stall. "No, it's not like that." She opened the door again, readjusting her top as she walked back out. "I was just having a bad day, that's all." Meredith tugged nervously on her hair and rolled her eyes. "Still am, actually."

"Uh huh…so you and McDreamy aren't back together then?"

"No…yes. I don't know, maybe," said Meredith, frowning at her friend. "Not at the moment. This was just sex."

"Right…" said Christina slowly, her voice thick with sarcasm. "Because you can sleep with Derek without getting emotionally attached. Please." Meredith just sighed as Christina hopped down from the sink. "Seriously, what's the problem here? McDreamy wants time to get over Addison? He doesn't know what he wants? What is it?"

"No, it's not him," muttered Meredith, sliding down to sit on the floor. "He wants to take me out to dinner and talk about _us_. You know, he even said he loves me."

"About time," smirked Christina.

"Well actually, he shouted it," added Meredith. "At Finn…" Christina raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…" Meredith sighed and looked down at the floor. "I don't know what it is. I should be happy, but I just feel all…" She trailed off and shrugged.

"Oh," said Christina, a smug knowing look creeping over her face. "You're afraid you'll get all happy and sickeningly cute again, and then wife number two will show up."

"He can't have two wives Christina," snapped Meredith. But after a moment, she shrugged again, her expression growing thoughtful. "I don't know. I mean I know Derek doesn't have another wife, but still…" Meredith sighed and stood back up. "I'm being stupid right? Definitely stupid?"

"Not really," said Christina. Meredith glanced over at her, looking surprised and a little bit disappointed. "If Burke pulled out a secret wife…" She paused and reached for her pager which had just started buzzing. "Crap, that's a code. Gotta go Mer."

"But wait, if Burke had a secret wife what?" insisted Meredith, following her out into the hall.

"It'd take me a long time to trust him again, that's all," said Christina, talking over her shoulder. Meredith sighed and watched Christina run off to her patient. She glanced back down at her list of patients ready for discharge, and realized she had seen every one of them. Meredith absently readjusted her hair once more before heading off in search of Bailey.

-----

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief when she realized Bailey was on the same floor as her. She would not have to take a single elevator ride to find her. Meredith smiled happily and walked over to where Bailey stood at the nurses' station, handing her the completed discharge sheet.

"What is it Grey?" asked Bailey, her attention still caught up in examining an x-ray.

"I've seen everyone. I need a new assignment."

"Oh…okay," mumbled Bailey distractedly, turning to look over the papers Meredith had handed her. "Good, this is all fine. Um, they could probably use some help in the pit right now."

"Seriously? You don't need any help with those?" asked Meredith hopefully, gesturing to the x-rays.

"No, Karev's on it." Bailey frowned and looked up at Meredith. "Why are you asking? Have you forgotten what time you came in this morning?" Meredith grimaced apologetically.

"Sorry…I'm going right now Dr. Bailey." But as she turned to walk away, Meredith froze in her tracks. Addison was headed straight towards them, somehow managing to look as fabulous and put together as always even as she flipped rapidly through a file and checked her buzzing pager.

"Dr. Bailey," she called out, her head still buried in the file. "I need an intern." Meredith cringed and tried to hurry away towards the pit.

"Grey, today's your lucky day," called Bailey, and Meredith groaned internally. "Saved from the pit. You're with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd instead." As Meredith turned back around, her eyes locked uneasily with Addison's. She realized suddenly that Addison hadn't expected to have Meredith Grey thrown at her, and she thought she saw Addison wince almost imperceptibly.

"Ah, actually I'd prefer just Dr. Montgomery now," said Addison after a moment. Her voice was calm almost casual, but a shadow passed across her normally clear blue eyes as she spoke. Bailey raised an eyebrow and looked from Meredith to Addison, as Meredith glanced nervously back at Bailey.

"Of course," said Bailey gently, silent comprehension filling her eyes. "Grey, you're with Dr. Montgomery this morning." Meredith nodded as Bailey took another quick look at the two of them before shaking her head and walking away.

"But I assume you already know that it's Dr. Montgomery now," said Addison as she passed the patient's file to Meredith.

"Umm," began Meredith hesitantly. She didn't want to answer, but Addison was watching her expectantly as they made their way towards the elevators. "Yeah, he told me," she said softly. Meredith stared down at her feet, wishing desperately that she was stuck in the pit. "I'm sorry…" she stammered at last, thinking that they needed to say something to deal with the obvious tension, but Addison just cut her off.

"I'm fine," she stated rather coolly. "Now our patient is pregnant with…" She paused, waiting for Meredith to fill in the information. Meredith glanced down at the file.

"Conjoined twins," she supplied as the elevator doors slid open. "Seriously? I've never seen a case of conjoined twins," continued Meredith, her medical curiosity taking over. Addison nodded, smiling slightly, and their mutual awkwardness almost disappeared as they began to discuss their case. However, the awkwardness come rushing back tenfold when the elevator opened again on the next floor.

"Hey," said Derek, smiling as he caught sight of Meredith. "You still have my…" But Meredith shot him a dirty look. He hesitated for a moment, and before he could finish his sentence the doors opened further and he caught sight of Addison. Derek's smile faltered and he walked silently into the elevator. Meredith closed her eyes, trying to pretend that she wasn't standing between Derek and Addison, alone in an elevator. The silence was instantly thick and stifling, and Meredith watched desperately as the light above the doors traveled from floor to floor. "So…" began Derek cautiously. Meredith and Addison both turned to look at him, and he shrugged and fell silent again.

"Um…Dr. Montgomery, I should start with an ultrasound?" asked Meredith hesitantly.

"Yes," agreed Addison.

"Dr. Montgomery? You sure didn't waste any time dropping my name," said Derek, sounding rather surprised. Addison turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow and shooting an obvious glance in Meredith's direction.

"Yeah well, apparently I'm not the only one who didn't waste any time." Meredith felt her cheeks flush, and she buried her face in the file she was holding. Derek opened his mouth to reply, but the elevator doors sprung mercifully apart and Meredith practically leapt out before she could hear his answer.

"I'll go start that ultrasound," she called over her shoulder as she hurried away.

-----

Addison wished that she was the sort of person who would have laughed when assigned Meredith and flat out demanded a different intern. That would have spared her all sorts of _awkwardness_. But she couldn't do it. That felt too childish, too immature, too something an intern would do actually. She could easily imagine Izzie or George putting up a fuss in her situation, but she just couldn't do it. And so she was stuck working with Meredith Grey.

She hadn't expected it to be so painful. She couldn't decide what was worse, if it was the apologetic looks Meredith kept giving her, or the way her voice caught slightly whenever she said Dr. Montgomery or just the simple fact that they had both loved the same man, and one of them had won while the other had lost. She managed to keep her voice consistently in the range of professional for the sake of the patient. However, once they had finally left the room, Addison gave in just a little to her urge to be childish and unprofessional.

"Meredith," she said slowly, watching as the intern whirled around, that same apologetic look plastered across her face. "You must be relieved, it's finally all over with." A smirk crept across Addison's face as she watched Meredith frown and shift uncomfortably. "It's back to just you two, as if Satan never even came."

Addison was expecting Meredith to flush with embarrassment or offer up yet another apologetic smile. What she wasn't expecting was the sudden onslaught of emotions that flashed through Meredith's eyes. Her face remained expressionless but her eyes somehow cycled through disbelief, anger, frustration, pain and finally sorrow in only a matter of seconds.

"Hardly…Addison," said Meredith quietly, almost exasperatedly. Her voice was low, heavy and a little bit broken. And without another word, Meredith just shook her head and walked away.

Addison suddenly found herself wishing that she had remained the aloof mature professional, because as she turned and walked away herself, she couldn't help but feel sorry for Meredith Grey.


	14. Ch 14: Calling All Angels

_A/N - Hmm...this chapter feels kind of different. I wanted to include Denny's funeral, but that meant that this chapter didn't have anyone at the hospital and more with all the interns instead of just Mer/Der and Addison drama. Very strange to write...I don't think I have that good of a grasp on the family of interns dynamic. Oh well...my apologies, I did try! Anyway, the next chapter will be more back to normal. And thanks to everyone who reviewed. I really appreciate it so much!_

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Meredith knew better then to expect sunshine on the day of Denny Duquette's funeral, things never seemed to work that way. However, she hadn't expected to wake up to a full fledged thunderstorm. It was the sort of storm that just stretched the fading night far into the day, turning morning into some sort of chill, gray twilight. _This is seriously too symbolic_ thought Meredith bitterly as she dug through the cluttered mess of her closet, searching for anything that was black. She hadn't realized that she had so few pieces of black clothing, but at last she found a skirt that miraculously wasn't wrinkled despite being wedged beneath a pile of jeans. Downstairs, the rain somehow seemed even more pronounced with the larger windows providing a wider display of the sheets of rain. George was seated on the back of the couch, staring morosely out the window. When a particularly large clap of thunder shook the house, he sighed and glanced over at Meredith.

"It just had to rain today," muttered George. "It's been freakishly sunny for days now. What was wrong with all this happening yesterday?" Meredith simply raised an eyebrow at him as she fiddled with the buckle on her shoe.

"Helps set the mood," she said flatly. "Is Izzie still upstairs?" George nodded. "I wonder if I should go get her," continued Meredith as she glanced at her watch. "We're going to be late." Without waiting for George's reply, she trudged back upstairs and into Izzie's room. She found Izzie standing perfectly still, just staring at herself in the mirror. The contrast of all black with the paleness of Izzie's features left her looking almost ghost-like. "Iz," murmured Meredith, walking over to her. Izzie didn't move, just kept staring straight ahead. "Come on Izzie," insisted Meredith, wrapping an arm around her friend's waist. "It's time to go." Finally, Izzie nodded her head and looked away from the mirror.

"Alright," she whispered, her face completely expressionless. She let Meredith usher her down the stairs and out into the car, while George chased after them holding an umbrella.

"How could you forget to grab an umbrella?" scolded George, forcing the handle of one into Meredith's hand. Meredith looked down at the ground, the rain was pelting the sidewalk so forcefully that the droplets were rebounding upward in little broken circles. Her hair had already gotten wet and was sticking to the nape of her neck. Meredith sighed and yanked the car door open.

"I don't know George, it just didn't seem important," she replied absently, her eyes still trained on Izzie, who had simply slumped down into the backseat. George muttered something about his irresponsible women but offered Meredith a weak smile as he got into the car. They drove in silence, nothing but the thick splat of raindrops breaking against the windshield and the squeak and swish of the wipers as the drops were wiped away. But at last, when they were about half way to the cemetery, Izzie sat up straight. She looked as if she had just come out of a trance and was suddenly aware of the world around her.

"Where's Alex?" she asked urgently, glancing around the car as if he might somehow be hiding beneath the seats. Meredith looked up, seeing Izzie's reflection in the rearview mirror. She was frowning, her eyebrows knit worriedly together.

"He's meeting us there Izzie," soothed Meredith.

"Yeah, remember Iz? You had me give him the instructions," said George, twisting about to look at her.

"Right…" murmured Izzie. She nodded slowly and slumped back down in her seat. She closed her eyes and didn't speak again until they had reached the cemetery.

Meredith felt stranded in a sea of black shapes and solemn faces. The grass was slick and she nearly slipped twice just walking to where the service was being held. The rain hadn't let up, and a canopy had been erected to shield off the storm. However, it wasn't a large canopy and Meredith hadn't known Denny that well, so she let the others slip in front of her until somehow she was standing back out in the rain with nothing more then her umbrella over her. She couldn't really hear what was being said over the constant splatter of the rain against her umbrella. It was just a gentle murmur of words punctuated by the occasional gut wrenching sob and quieter, more consistent sniffling. Unable to see the coffin from where she stood, Meredith found herself studying the people gathered. It wasn't a terribly large crowd and she didn't recognize most of the people anyway, although she spotted the familiar faces of some of the hospital's nurses scattered in the mix. Izzie stood near the very front with George and Alex flanking her like bodyguards. Her pale fingers were clutching desperately at the sleeve of Alex's coat.

Meredith suddenly found herself feeling terribly lonely. Everyone seemed to be standing together in tight groups of two or three, arms wrapped around each other for support. Even Burke and Christina, who were rarely openly affectionate, had their fingers laced together into an almost vice-like grip. Meredith stretched her hand out, slowly curling her fingers back into a fist, trying to ignore the sudden desire to have Derek's hand to hold. She shivered and pulled her umbrella closer, reminding herself that she was there incase Izzie needed her. She was there to be strong and supportive, and she shouldn't need someone there to support her. Meredith caught Izzie's eye and smiled encouragingly at her. Izzie nodded slightly, her face already tear streaked. Still, Meredith couldn't shake the heavy cold feeling that seemed to permeate her body. _It's just all the rain_, Meredith told herself, ignoring the dull ache she felt in her heart whenever she glanced back at the closely clasped hands of Burke and Christina.

Finally the service was complete, and the clustered mass of black broke apart as people headed towards their cars. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief, she wanted to escape the cold forlorn feeling that seemed to fill the cemetery. All it did was confuse her and somehow make her desperately miss Derek. Meredith pulled her jacket tighter to her body as she began walking back quickly. The rain was still falling hard, and she started to slip for the third time that morning. As she cursed at her shoes, a hand reached out to steady her.

"Careful Mer," said George gently. "You may be surrounded by doctors right now, but that's no excuse to go and sprain your ankle." Meredith smiled and nodded her head, letting him help her over to the sturdier pavement. He was talking about the funeral, but Meredith didn't really hear what he was saying. She just let his voice wash over her, feeling relieved to be getting closer to the row of parked cars and away from the aching loneliness of the cemetery. "Are you alright?" George asked after a moment as he turned to look at her.

"What? Why?" asked Meredith, frowning in confusion. "Izzie's the one who…"

"You're crying Meredith."

"I am?" She brought a hand up to her face, feeling how damp her cheeks were. "Oh…" she gasped softly. "No, I'm fine. I don't even know why I'm…" She shrugged awkwardly, wiping her eyes. "Funerals, I guess." She smiled brightly as if to prove that she was fine, and caught sight of Christina walking towards them, bringing Burke along with her. "Hey…what are you doing?" Meredith stammered, watching in disbelief as Christina reached over and swapped her umbrella for Meredith's larger one.

"This rain is pissing me off," hissed Christina by way of reply, as she yanked the collar of her coat up. "Is Izzie coming yet or what?" She leaned forward, waving exasperatedly at the slowly moving forms of Izzie and Alex.

"Christina…" said Burke softly, frowning slightly at her.

"What? I'm completely there for her. I would just rather be there for her indoors. Out of the rain." Burke opened his mouth to protest, but a bolt of lightening splintered across the sky, and he consented with a shrug. "Hey Izzie," added Christina in an astonishingly gentle voice, as Izzie and Alex finally made it over to them.

"Hey Christina," mumbled Izzie, as she let herself slump between Meredith and George. Meredith tilted the umbrella forward so that Izzie stayed out of the rain, managing to forget her own loneliness as she caught sight of Izzie's puffy, bloodshot eyes. Izzie was chewing nervously on her lower lip, her whole face growing suddenly apprehensive. "Hi Dr. Burke…" Izzie whispered at last, and she glanced awkwardly down at her hands before looking back up at Burke with fresh tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry…about the whole…everything with the…the heart," stammered Izzie, her gaze making a rather noticeable shift towards his injured arm. "And Denny…and…if I…" But Burke shook his head, cutting her broken rambling short.

"Izzie there is nothing for you to apologize for," he said softly as he reached out to clap a hand on her shoulder. "And it's still Preston." Izzie smiled gratefully at him, relief filling her eyes.

"Right…Preston," she echoed. Her voice was barely more then a whisper, but it had at least stopped trembling.

"Should we go home now Iz?" asked Meredith, as yet another bolt of lightning pierced the sky and the rain began to quicken. Izzie let her head fall onto Meredith's shoulder, nodding her agreement. Meredith could feel Izzie's tears spilling against her skin and mingling with the raindrops, so she put her arm around Izzie and, with the help of Alex, guided her friend back into the car.

-----

"Should we go check on them? Meredith, should we?" asked George anxiously. He was standing at the base of the stairwell, craning his neck to see upward to the second floor.

"No George," sighed Meredith. "Just leave them be. Izzie wants to be left alone." She walked over to where he stood and peered up the stairwell herself. "She needs time to think, and he…" Meredith shrugged and turned away again, heading towards the kitchen. "He's not going to come down until she does."

"But he's just standing there," stammered George. "Pacing in the hallway…"

"Seriously Mer, Karev's going to wear out the floor up there," said Christina, glaring up at the ceiling. Meredith frowned at her. The creaking sound of the floorboards as Alex paced back and forth could be heard easily throughout the house.

"Just leave them be," insisted Meredith, her voice turning slightly irritated as she began to open up the cabinets. "Just leave…oh there it is," she said quietly, more to herself then anyone else.

"Huh?" Meredith ignored Christina's question and dragged over a chair to reach the top shelf of the cabinet.

"Izzie's reorganized _everything_," muttered Meredith, as she hopped back down to the ground, bottle of alcohol in tow.

"You're drinking?" snapped Christina. "I gave up a perfectly good day of surgery to be a supportive friend. I gave up my favorite thing, there is no way you still get yours." She reached out and yanked the bottle away from Meredith.

"Okay first of all, alcohol is not my favorite thing," replied Meredith. "And I'm pissed off and miserable, and I'm having a drink." She snatched the bottle back from Christina and made a face at her. "Now either come drink with me or go play watchdog with George over there." Christina frowned and looked at Meredith.

"Funerals make you mean," she said, sounding oddly proud as she grabbed two glasses and followed Meredith to the couch. They had just settled down on the cushions when George finally turned away from the staircase and walked over to them.

"I think we should do something nice for Izzie," he announced.

"Okay, you see this here George? Me on the couch, not in the OR?" asked Christina. "That is me doing nice." Meredith smirked and shook her head as she drank deeply from her glass.

"Something to cheer her up," continued George as if he hadn't heard her. "I think we should bake Izzie something."

"George," began Meredith as Christina snorted into her drink at his suggestion. "We don't know how to bake."

"It can't be that hard," protested George. "I've watched Izzie hundreds of times."

"Izzie's a baker. Giving her baked goods is like offering Mer more sex. Or more tequila…or both really." Christina leaned back against the cushions and shrugged. "It's redundant George," she said simply.

"Hey…what was that supposed to mean?" asked Meredith, turning to glare at Christina. "I am an _ex _mistress who is currently so…" She paused and glanced down at the glass in her hand. "…mostly sober," she amended. Christina just grinned and patted Meredith on the back. Meredith thought it might be nice to be annoyed, but she figured Christina was mostly right. And besides, the familiar warm burn of alcohol against her lips and down her throat was helping cure her of that aching lonely feeling that had left her longing to just hold Derek's hand. So Meredith only sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

"Come on," coaxed George, backing towards the kitchen. "Even if she doesn't like it, isn't it better then just sitting there waiting?" He smiled hopefully but both Meredith and Christina looked at him as if he was crazy.

"No…" they said in unison, shaking their heads.

"Fine, well I am baking," declared George. "You two can just sit there and be gloomy." He disappeared into the kitchen, and Meredith turned to look at Christina, raising an eyebrow.

"So…are we bad friends now?" she asked curiously.

"Of course not," rationalized Christina. "Izzie doesn't want us to bake, we might…use the wrong mixing bowl."

"Yeah…seriously," agreed Meredith, smirking a little. The two of them fell silent, staring into their glasses. They could hear George fumbling around in the kitchen, muttering to himself as he opened and closed cabinets. "We are bad friends," decided Meredith after a minute, looking back up. "It's just…" She sighed and leaned back against the cushions, closing her eyes as she pressed a hand to her forehead. "I'm working really hard to ignore my problems and just think about Izzie's right now. I can't think about baking too."

"Exactly," said Christina. "Bambi doesn't have any problems. He can bake."

"That must be nice," murmured Meredith. "To have no problems."

"Yeah…seriously," agreed Christina, and she closed her eyes as well.

-----

When Izzie finally came downstairs, something about her had changed slightly. She still seemed worn out and shaken, but she no longer seemed so fragile that she was in constant danger of shattering into a mess of tears and hysteria. She even smiled a little as she walked over to sit down on the couch next to Meredith and Christina. Meredith glanced up to see Alex hovering awkwardly in the doorway, seeming uncertain as to whether he should stay or go. She didn't say anything but looked at the empty couch cushion pointedly, and Alex nodded. He walked over and sat down next to them, completing the row of black.

"How are you doing Iz?" asked Meredith cautiously.

"Alright…I'm alright." Izzie shrugged and smiled sadly. "The funeral was hard…but it was nice. To see how everyone remembered him… It helped somehow…it was just…nice…" She sighed, seeming unable to describe exactly what she felt. Meredith nodded and rubbed Izzie's arm gently. Everyone fell silent, but after a moment Izzie frowned and looked around the room. "Where's George?" she asked. Christina snorted and rolled her eyes.

"He's off playing Martha Stewart."

"Huh?" Izzie frowned in confusion. "George?"

"Huh? What? Um…coming!" called a flustered voice from the kitchen. A moment later George appeared in the doorway. He was wearing oven mittens, and had tied one of Izzie's cheerful flowered aprons on over his black suit. His face was flushed and smudged with flour. Christina snorted again and shook her head while Meredith bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"Just when I thought O'Malley couldn't possibly gain any more estrogen," said Alex, staring at George in disbelief. Meredith clamped a hand over Alex's mouth, shushing him loudly.

"It's fine. Laugh all you want," said George airily as he straightened his apron. "But I am baking."

"George you don't know how to bake," stated Izzie. "And why are you wearing my stuff?" Christina coughed loudly, the noise sounding suspiciously like "cross dresser." Meredith shook her head and clamped her other hand over Christina's mouth.

"I'm baking," repeated George as the sound of a timer going off in the kitchen sent him hurrying back.

"He's baking," echoed Izzie, shaking her head.

"We tried to stop him," said Meredith apologetically.

"Bambi is surprisingly persistent," agreed Christina.

"He thought it would cheer you up," continued Meredith, looking cautiously at Izzie. But Izzie was smiling, the corners of her mouth twitching upward into a grin.

"You know…I let him help me once before," said Izzie. "He couldn't even tell the flour from the sugar." She sighed and leaned back into the cushions, giggling slightly as she let her head droop down onto Alex's shoulder. The four of them sat there in silence, but there was a comfortable warmth to the quiet, something that Meredith had felt was missing in the somber stillness of the graveyard. When George finally returned, he was holding a tray of freshly baked cookies in his hands. He set them down on the coffee table before going to sit down on the arm of the couch. The cookies were noticeably burnt and misshapen, but everyone reached forward to take one anyway.

"George, these cookies taste like feet," said Christina after a moment, leaning forward to drop her half-eaten cookie back onto the plate. Meredith smirked but didn't say anything, just let her own cookie drop casually down behind the couch.

"Seriously O'Malley, are you trying to make Izzie feel worse?" asked Alex as he grimaced and swallowed his mouthful.

"You know…I would protest," stammered George, blushing slightly. "I would, but…" He moaned and raised a hand to his mouth. "I think I just broke my tooth on one." George shrugged and let his cookie fall back onto the plate as well. "I'm sorry Izzie," he added, turning to look at her. "I wanted to cheer you up. I didn't realize cookies were so…complicated." He smiled sheepishly at her.

"No," said Izzie quietly, shaking her head. "The cookies are fantastic." She leaned back into the couch and closed her eyes, a half smile playing across her face. "Seriously…you guys are all fantastic," she whispered. "Thank you…"

-----

It wasn't really that late. Meredith could see the glowing numbers on the digital clock just above the stove, and therefore had solid proof that it was only 9:02 at night. However, the house felt empty. She supposed it was due to the contrast with its unusual fullness all day, when the house had been brimming with her makeshift family. But now, Christina and Alex had gone home. Izzie, worn out from tears and too many emotions, had already fallen asleep. George had gotten a call from Callie and promptly disappeared into his room. _That just leaves me_ thought Meredith glumly, staring around the dark and empty kitchen. The current silence felt cold and empty, turning Meredith's thoughts back to the dismal graveyard and her own loneliness. She sighed in frustration and got up from the table, thinking that she might as well try and get some extra sleep. However, Meredith had barely made it halfway up the staircase when she heard the doorbell ring. The sound was clear and piercing from where she stood in the silent stairwell. Meredith sighed and started back down the stairs, her breath catching as she reached the front door.

"Derek?"

He was standing outside on her porch, his hair wet from the rain that was still falling. Meredith opened the door and walked out to him, pulling it shut behind her. "What are you doing here?" she asked, crossing her arms and frowning up at him.

"I just wanted to see how you were," he replied quietly, sounding a bit awkward.

"I'm fine," said Meredith, not quite sure what to make of him standing on her front porch. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well…funerals are never fun," said Derek, shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh…no, I'm fine. It was Izzie who was…" but she trailed off and squinted curiously at Derek. "How'd you know it was Denny's funeral today?"

"It's hard not to notice when all of Bailey's interns are out," he said with a slight smile. Meredith nodded and took a step closer to him, suddenly realizing that Derek had to have come over almost immediately after getting out of surgery. The little lines left from the surgical cap hadn't yet faded from his forehead. Meredith looked quickly down at the porch floor to hide her smile. "Are you sure you're okay Meredith?" Derek asked gently. She nodded, struggling not to shiver as she felt his hand run gently over her shoulder and reach out to tilt her face back up. Meredith slowly raised her eyes to meet Derek's, the light from the street lamp illuminating half their faces but leaving the other sides in shadow.

"Of course, I'm…" began Meredith, but she trailed off and shrugged. "I'm trying," she said quietly, pulling away from Derek and sitting down on the front step. She stretched out her hand, letting the rain graze her fingertips. Derek was still standing behind her, partially hidden in the shadows, and somehow that made it easier to keep speaking. "I'm lonely Derek," she continued. "And confused. I'm so damn confused…"

"You're confused?" echoed Derek quietly. Meredith nodded. "And lonely?"

"Yes…" Meredith had meant to say more, but her voice started to break on just the first word, and she promptly fell silent again. She stared fixedly at the raindrops splashing down the steps as Derek walked forward and sat beside her.

"Why?" His voice was soft and coaxing, but Meredith couldn't bring her lips to move. _Because of you…_she thought. The answer was painfully obvious. It was Derek. It was always Derek. Always had been, always would be. _Always. _But Meredith couldn't say that, she couldn't seem to speak at all. So instead, she settled for shrugging and fidgeting with her hair. "Meredith…" She shook her head violently, knowing that she must look bizarre. But the answer to Derek's question was too long and too complicated and too painfully simple all at once, and Meredith just couldn't say it. "What is it?" he continued gently. "Whatever it is, you can tell me Mer."

"I can't," she managed at last. And that was true. Meredith leaned into Derek, her head pressing against his shoulder. She wasn't crying, but her body was shaking violently, trembling with the effort to keep everything bottled up and under control.

"Shhh…" whispered Derek, pulling Meredith towards him so that her head lay on his chest. "Okay…okay, you don't have to," he murmured. "Not now, shhh…just breathe." Meredith nodded, the feel of Derek's hand gently stroking her hair helping to soothe her. Despite everything running through her head, the presence of Derek next to her was enough to calm her. It always was. Finally breathing easier and no longer trembling, Meredith sat back up.

As Meredith sat up, she realized their faces were painfully close together. She could see every line on Derek's face, all the varying shades of blue in his eyes. Even though they weren't touching, Meredith swore she could feel Derek's lips against hers. The loneliness and the confusion seemed to be fading away, leaving Meredith with something happy and safe. But as they stared intently at each other, she realized that Derek was about to kiss her, and that paralyzing fear she had felt at the trailer by Doc's grave came rushing back to destroy everything else. Meredith shook her head slightly and stood up.

"I should…I need to get some sleep," she stammered, taking a step towards the door. Derek sighed heavily, the sound tinted with frustration and confusion.

"Meredith…" he began as he got to his feet. She turned back towards him and nodded, her eyes narrowing slightly at the exasperation in his voice. Derek opened his mouth to speak, but shrugged and seemed to change his mind. "Sleep well Mer," he said at last. Meredith nodded again, telling herself to ignore the dejection in his eyes and just go back inside. But Meredith found herself hesitating, her hand somehow unwilling to open the door to her house.

"Derek?" she called softly, turning around to look at him. He had already walked down the steps of the porch and was standing in the rain. He looked back up at her curiously. "I'm glad you came," whispered Meredith and Derek nodded his agreement. And somehow that was true too, because although Meredith was still confused, they smiled at each other through the curtain of the rain, and she felt just a little less lonely.


	15. Ch 15: You Don't Know Me

_A/N - So this chapter is slightly longer then usual. A good two and a half pages more then the usual length in Word, which (due to the fact that I'm one of those painfully slow writers who gets out one page in about two hours) is why this is a slower update then normal. And I cut about half the stuff that was supposed to be in this chapter out because it was getting way too busy...so that means a new, extra chapter I guess. Anyway, this chapter includes more Addison then usual. Even though she's out of the triangle, I wanted to address how she's handling things because I rather love her when she's not in the middle of Mer/Der. However, there is a lot of Mer/Der in this chapter too, so don't be too upset if you hate Addison. I'm rambling now, this is what happens at 3:30 am. So, to sum up, thanks so much for the reviews, sorry for the delay, please read and review!_

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Meredith was busy fishing around in the backseat of her car, trying to find where her hospital id had gone, when she heard a familiar voice calling to her. She twisted around to look over her shoulder, and saw Derek leaning against the parked car next to hers.

"Hey, are you feeling better?" he asked as he sipped from his coffee.

"What…um…just trying to find my id," said Meredith absently. She spotted it wedged under the driver's seat, and leaned forward to grab it. "Got it." She straightened up and clipped it to the bottom of her shirt, wanting to avoid losing it at the bottom of her purse as well. When Meredith turned around, Derek was smiling at her and shaking his head. "What?" she asked.

"Nothing…so you're feeling better then you were last night?" asked Derek again.

"Oh…yeah." Meredith frowned, feeling flustered by the memory of the two of them on her porch the night before. "Definitely, it was just the funeral. It was sad," she said lamely, looking away and hoping he wouldn't see straight through her answer. The question of them was not something she felt like dealing with first thing in the morning. Derek nodded but didn't say anything, just titled his coffee in her direction, offering it to her. Meredith smiled and reached out to take the drink from his hands, sipping at it as they walked towards the hospital.

"So…" said Derek after a moment.

"So," echoed Meredith, her voice growing noticeably hesitant.

"So, I was at your house last night, and you didn't even mention returning my jacket," said Derek with so much fake astonishment in his voice that Meredith couldn't help but smile.

"I told you, it's being held hostage," replied Meredith, passing Derek's cup of coffee back to him.

"Well, what are your terms of release?"

"Oh, no terms. I'm afraid this is a nonnegotiable hostage situation."

"No terms?" echoed Derek, a look of mock horror playing across his face. He pushed open the door to the hospital lobby and shook his head. "But I love that jacket. I need that jacket."

"Too bad, it's nonnegotiable," repeated Meredith, smirking up at Derek. "Deal with it." She reached out and snatched his coffee back from him, drinking deeply from it.

"You are a cruel, cruel woman," laughed Derek, shaking his head and smiling at her. Meredith shrugged and looked back at him, after a moment their laughter faded away and they simply kept staring at each other. "Meredith…" She nodded slowly. "Can we please figure this out? Figure us out?" She looked away, glancing down at the floor, but didn't disagree with him. "Come on, let me take you out to dinner. At a big fancy restaurant…or a cute little one, whatever you want." He was looking at her with that half grin, half smirk that Meredith hated because it was so damn hard to resist. She took a deep breath, her hand gripping tightly at the coffee cup.

"Derek I…" she began, and he nodded expectantly. But before she could continue, a voice called out to them, interrupting her thoughts.

"Well good morning Derek, Meredith." She whirled around to see Richard Webber walking into the lobby. He was smiling, but his eyes looked inquisitive and were slightly narrowed.

"Good morning," agreed Derek, sighing as he turned his gaze from Meredith to the Chief.

"Morning Chief," said Meredith quietly. Derek looked immediately back at her, raising an eyebrow, wanting an answer to his question. She just shrugged and glanced somewhat frantically between the two men.

"I've gotta…I've…" she stammered, remembering the coffee in her hands. "Umm…here you go, Dr. Shepherd." She passed the coffee back to him, and he frowned, seeming torn between being puzzled and amused. "I've gotta round," she announced, smiling quickly at Richard before turning to hurry off to the locker room.

Meredith thought she would be relieved to escape to the locker room. However, opening the door caused a sudden hush to spread over the crowded room. She did her best to ignore the inquisitive stares that followed her, and yanked open the door to her locker. _Great…the whole hospital thinks I'm back with Derek,_ thought Meredith as she changed into her scrubs. _Now even the Chief is going to think it. _That familiar overwhelmed feeling was starting to creep over her again, and Meredith slid to the floor with a moan. She had been seconds away from agreeing to go out to dinner with Derek. All it would have taken was one more smile, one more request on his part, and she knew that she would have given in. But what Meredith wasn't sure of was whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. All she knew was that she felt too confused to focus on or figure out anything at all. She closed her eyes, trying to relax for just a minute, but soon realized that the conversations that were abruptly silenced by her entrance had restarted themselves.

"You know, I heard she's having his baby. That's why McDreamy left his wife."

Meredith's head jerked back up, and she shook her head, smirking a little. She tried to ignore the voices, but they were loud and gossipy and traveled easily around the room.

"Really? One of the nurses told me Meredith lied to him about being pregnant. It was a plot to get him to leave his wife."

"Poor Addison."

"Yeah, poor Addison. Did you know he never stopped sleeping with Meredith? Apparently they were having an affair the whole time the Shepherds were working on their marriage."

"Seriously? What a slut. But I shouldn't be surprised really. I mean, what sort of girl starts sleeping with her attending in the first place?"

Meredith moaned and let her head fall back into her hands. She stared intently at the floor, trying to find something interesting about the tile pattern or the shadow her leg was casting, _anything _at all

"I know. Apparently Addison finally caught them, walked in when they were right in the middle of it."

"Meredith…why are you sitting on the floor?" Meredith blinked and looked up to see Christina frowning down at her. Meredith shrugged and didn't answer. "Okay, my day, you will not believe my day. And it's only what…six am? So I get out of the shower, and Burke is sitting there and he says he was hoping I would go to physical therapy with him tomorrow. You know, to be supportive. As if he just completely forgot I have a job. And then he actually asked…" Christina trailed off and stared down at Meredith. She was still staring blankly at the ground. "Meredith? What is wrong with you?" Christina nudged at her with her foot, and Meredith finally looked up. She still didn't speak, just gestured with her head towards the other side of the lockers. Christina frowned in confusion, but as she fell silent, the conversation on the other side of the lockers became clearly audible.

"Well, she may have McDreamy back now. But I say wait until we get the next new batch of interns, and bam…he'll leave her for some newer prettier intern."

"Oh…" said Christina, looking knowingly at Meredith. Meredith shrugged and finally got to her feet.

"I don't mind. I mean…I don't care. Why should I care?" Meredith opened her locker and stared at it for a moment before slamming the door shut again. "It's just," she turned to look at Christina. "I don't even know what I'm doing with Derek, and he keeps asking me out to dinner. And then this morning, the Chief was looking at us together. And now, apparently the whole hospital knows more then I do. Supposedly I'm having Derek's baby…or a pretend baby…or…" Meredith sighed and gestured hopelessly, her eyes looking slightly frantic. "It's stupid. I know…it shouldn't bother me. It doesn't bother me, it's just…ugh, I can't even try to figure this out. I can't even seem to think straight." Meredith pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.

"Seriously…" said Christina quietly, her voice taking on a strange low tone. Meredith frowned and looked up at her, but Christina just turned around abruptly and walked over to the other side of the lockers. "Seriously, do you people not realize these things aren't soundproof?" She slammed an open locker shut, and the group of interns gathered on the bench looked up in surprise. "And Meredith's locker? It's right over there. So if you're so desperate to know what's going on in her life, just walk around and ask her. Granted, she'll probably tell you all to go to hell," conceded Christina, sounding oddly rational for a moment, although her voice quickly swung back to irritated. "But do you know what that means?" No one answered. One girl shook her head slightly, everyone else just sat staring, their eyes wide with shock. "It means that not of this is any of your damn business!"

As soon as Christina stopped speaking, the room seemed deathly quiet. The gathered interns appeared to have lost the ability to both speak and move. Christina sighed and glared at them. "Well, go on. Seriously, go round or something," she said, sounding incredibly annoyed. Slowly everyone got up and moved towards the door, carrying their stunned silence with them.

"Umm…what was all that?" asked George, struggling to get into the locker room as the mass of people exited. "What is going on?" He frowned as he studied the cluster of retreating backs before glancing back at Christina and Meredith in confusion.

"Ah…that felt good," said Christina, raising her arms over her head to stretch. "I feel so much better now." Meredith shook her head, seeming stunned into silence herself. "Did you see their faces?" asked Christina delightedly.

"That was…that was…wow," stammered Meredith in disbelief. "I could seriously hug you right now."

"Why? What happened?" continued George.

"If you hug me," said Christina warningly. "I'm chasing them down and telling them exactly where you last had sex with Shepherd."

"Christina!" gasped Meredith. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she started to laugh, and couldn't seem to stop.

"You know, they're probably going to talk even more now," said Christina, sounding almost apologetic. But Meredith just shrugged and shook her head, and Christina started to laugh as well. When the door to the locker room swung open again, the two of them were still laughing and George was still staring at them in bewilderment.

"Why are my interns always the last ones to leave the locker room?" They turned around to see Bailey standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. A very smug looking Alex was peering over her shoulder. "Every other resident has interns rounding already." At this, Meredith and Christina smirked at each other, struggling to keep from giggling. "I get stuck with the lazy interns. O'Malley you're in Ortho today. Karev, you're with Montgomery."

"But I wasn't late," protested Alex at once. "Send one of those two. They're giggling."

"Karev, Dr. Montgomery," repeated Bailey. "Yang, you're with me. And Grey, you're with Shepherd." Meredith's smile fell from her face, but Bailey was watching her intently so she just nodded and pulled on her lab coat.

-----

Meredith wandered reluctantly down the hall, knowing that if she was really trying to figure things out, then the last thing she needed was to spend the whole day with Derek. But there he was, already changed into scrubs and flipping casually through a patient's file. Meredith took a deep breath and walked over to him

"Hey," she said quietly. Derek looked up and smiled at her. "I'm your intern."

"You're my intern," he agreed happily. "My intern who's going to dinner with me tonight."

"Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith sternly, shaking her head.

"Dr. Grey." But Derek was still smiling and looking down at her fondly. Meredith just sighed and glanced around the busy hallway. She reached out and took his hand, pulling him into an empty room. "What are we doing in here?" he asked, watching curiously as she shut the door.

"Look," began Meredith reluctantly, not sure how exactly to explain everything. "I can't go to dinner with you tonight." Derek frowned, but didn't seem convinced by her statement. "I'm serious. I can't, not yet. I need to think…I need to figure things out. It's just so hard to do because everyone is talking about me, Derek. _Everyone_."

"I know," he said gently. Meredith shook her head and shrugged.

"It shouldn't bother me. It doesn't really…it's just distracting. I mean, I should be used to it by now right? It's what I get for sleeping with the attending."

"Meredith…" said Derek, his voice sounding somewhat hurt.

"No…please Derek, right now can we just concentrate on work? I need time to decide what I want to do."

"What you want to do?" echoed Derek confusedly.

"Yes. What I want to do about us. What I can handle, what I feel…just what I want."

"You don't know what you want us to be?" asked Derek, his voice quiet and full of shock.

"No, I don't," said Meredith, looking equally confused at his question.

"How do you…" began Derek, but Meredith sighed in frustration.

"Derek, please," she interrupted. "Today, can work just be work? Right now can we please just do our jobs?" He frowned and hesitated for a moment, but finally nodded.

"Alright," he agreed quietly, and handed the file he was holding to her. "Then we have to go up to room 5213, we have a patient waiting." Meredith smiled gratefully and followed him back out into the hall.

-----

Addison wasn't sure whether she should feel relieved or frustrated about coming to work. On the one hand, it was an excellent distraction from her problems. There was nothing like an interesting case or a long surgery to keep her mind from focusing on the end of her marriage. But at the same time, the names Addison, Derek and Meredith had become frequent whispers on the lips of just about every damn employee at Seattle Grace. It was hard to walk down the hall or over to the nurses' station without noticing the covert glances and sudden silences that followed her. It didn't bother Addison save for the fact that people were suddenly looking at her as if she were weak and pitiable. As if she teetered on the verge of becoming the next Meredith Grey, walking disaster, simply because she was no longer with Derek. And Addison hated that. So she busied herself with so many surgeries that Alex Karev almost seemed happy to be working with her for once. As she hurried down to the cafeteria to grab a quick lunch before her next surgery, she heard a familiar voice calling out to her.

"Addison. Addison!" She sighed and turned around.

"What is…oh, Richard. Hi," she smiled, her tone softening slightly when she caught sight of him. "What is it?" asked Addison. She shifted her purse to her other shoulder, unable to refrain from eagerly eyeing the elevator door.

"May I have a word?" he asked, gesturing towards a small empty conference room at the far end of the hallway.

"Can it wait for later? I've only got a little time before my next surgery," sighed Addison, thinking of the painful hungry feeling in her stomach, one of the disadvantages of overbooking her schedule.

"It'll just take a minute," he insisted, taking her by the arm and leading her back to the room. Addison gave up with a shrug and sat down in one of the empty chairs.

"Fine. What is it Richard?" she asked again, not quite managing to hide her annoyance. Richard just looked at her for a moment before speaking, a sad smile playing across his face.

"I heard about your marriage Addie," he said gently, closing the door to the conference room and sitting down next to her. "I'm sorry." He placed a comforting hand over hers.

"Oh…" said Addison, feeling rather taken by surprise. "I'd been meaning to tell you…although it seems everybody already knows anyway," she added with a slight laugh.

"Derek told me. He said he was worried about you." Addison frowned and pulled her hand away. _Of course he'd say that_, thought Addison, feeling suddenly angry. It was just so quintessentially Derek to show more concern for her now that they were divorcing then he had in the past six months of their marriage.

"He did, did he?" she asked, unable to keep her voice from turning sharp and short. "How kind of him."

"He still cares for you Addison," said Richard quietly. "He doesn't want to see you miserable, and I agree with him. This can't be easy for you, and this hospital has never been a place where private affairs managed to stay private. I know how the nurses talk."

"I'm fine Richard. I'm handling this," said Addison stiffly. She recognized the look in Richard's eyes. It had become increasingly familiar over the past few days. It was a quiet stare filled with measured amounts of both sympathy and pity. Addison dropped her gaze to the table, focusing on the smooth matte surface and nothing else. She knew that the look was meant to show understanding, to comfort her, but somehow it only made things worse. It was as if people were slowly chipping away at her ability to handle losing her husband with only their eyes.

"I know you are Addie," continued Richard. "Handling things…it's what you do, but…" he paused and leaned forward on the table, his hand reaching out to Addison again. "Divorce is hard. Now I don't want to lose you Addison. I just want you to know that whatever you decide you need to do, you have my full support."

"Lose me?" echoed Addison in astonishment, her voice barely a whisper. "What do you mean? I signed a contract, remember." She hesitated, shaking her head in disbelief. "Are you asking me to leave?"

"No, of course not," said Richard immediately. "The last thing I want is for you to leave Seattle Grace. You're the best that there is."

"But…" said Addison skeptically, her nails digging into the arm of the chair.

"But I've known you for a long time. I care about you, I want to see you happy." He sighed and leaned back in his seat, giving Addison a long look. "If you decide that what you need to do to be happy is to leave, then I don't want you to feel that I'm in your way. I want you to know that I would completely understand." Addison hadn't yet thought one way or the other about leaving Seattle, but in the few seconds it took Richard to mention her leaving, it suddenly became unthinkable.

"I signed a contract Richard," said Addison, her voice low and tinted with wounded pride. "A very generous contract if you remember." She shook her head and stood up from the table. "I'm not breaking my contract over this." Richard sighed and stood up as well, walking over to the door where Addison was standing.

"And I am glad to hear it," he said warmly. "Are you sure you can handle this though?" He paused and cleared his throat, as if trying to decide whether he should continue speaking. "Derek…he doesn't know how to be subtle when it comes to Meredith Grey." Addison frowned but laughed sadly, a tiny little noise that sounded almost like a sob.

"I know that Richard. I lived with him for the past six months." She shrugged and gave Richard one last quiet smile before walking out of the room and down the hall.

-----

Amazingly, Derek managed to stick to Meredith's request the entire day. He didn't say another word to her that crossed the boundary from professional to personal. Meredith was rather shocked but decidedly relieved as her thoughts had managed to settle somewhat. Still, by the end of the day, she'd realized that if she had actually wanted to figure anything out, she should have thrown in a request for Derek to only look at her in a strictly professional manner as well. Every time their eyes had met during surgery, it felt as if her heart skipped a beat, and it kept her from thinking about _them _rationally. So when they wound up riding down to the lobby in the same elevator, Meredith was far calmer then she had been in the morning but just as uncertain.

"So, we're not working anymore," said Derek as he leaned against the elevator doors to look at her.

"No," agreed Meredith, raising an eyebrow, but keeping her voice flat and disinterested. "I'm going home. What's your point?"

"My point is that we're off work. We no longer have to talk just about work." Derek grinned at her and Meredith felt herself give in a little. Her feet seemed to have stopped listening to her mind because they walked her closer to him.

"But we are still inside the hospital Derek," she protested at last. "Technically I'm still at work. So, unless you want to discuss a craniotomy, I have nothing to say to you." She turned to look stubbornly at the wall.

"Ah…good point," agreed Derek, smirking as he promptly fell silent.

"Good point?" echoed Meredith, confused by both his sudden silence and the look in his eyes. "What do you mean?" But Derek didn't answer her, just shrugged his shoulders and remained silent. When the doors of the elevator opened, he slipped his arm around Meredith, pulling her close to him. "Derek! What are you doing?" Meredith turned to look at him, but he shrugged again, still not speaking. He simply walked with her through the lobby, pushing open the door and leading her out into the parking lot.

"There," he announced when they stood outside, looking rather proudly around at their surroundings. "You are no longer _at _work, you are in the parking lot."

"Oh, you're a clever guy," said Meredith, rolling her eyes. "A really clever guy."

"I'm right," he said happily, and Meredith sighed, letting her head rest against his shoulder.

"It's a technicality," she said quietly. The thrill that ran through her body was forcing her to ignore the fact that she still hadn't figured out what she wanted to do about the question of them.

"But it still counts?" Derek turned his head to look at her, pressing his lips against her forehead as he spoke. Meredith shrugged and wrapped his arm tighter around her waist.

"It still counts," she murmured.

-----

The sky was already darkening by the time Addison had finished her last surgery and was ready to go home. She walked quickly across the parking lot, relieved to put some distance between herself and the room where she had talked to Richard. It wasn't that she felt she was abnormally strong or above feeling pain due to her divorce. Addison just didn't want to think that she was disproportionably weak either. She simply liked to consider herself capable, but she was starting to feel as if everyone was expecting her to slink away in defeat, nothing more then a broken shell of the woman who had been Addison Shepherd.

Addison sighed with frustration as she slipped into her car. She was glad to be going home, although she knew it was odd to call a hotel room home. Home doesn't usually open with a key card or have a bathroom that magically refills itself with miniature toiletries every day. But it was home, she supposed. It wasn't so hard to lay down in the big empty bed anymore, she'd almost gotten used to not listening to Derek breathe as she fell asleep. Still, just as she'd been about to slip the key into the ignition, Addison glanced up and caught sight of something that caused her keys to slip straight through her fingers and clatter to the dark floor of the car.

She had never really seen them together before. Sure, she had seen the way they stared at each other and caught snatches of their conversations in the elevators and hallways of the hospital. But Addison had never seen them alone outside of work, when they didn't think anyone could see them. They were leaning against a lamppost, standing in the small circle of light while the rest of the parking lot grew dark. Addison had meant to turn away and drive off, but she couldn't move. She couldn't help but watch the way they stood with their faces barely an inch apart as they spoke, their bodies leaning easily into each other. The lamplight was making Meredith's hair glow golden, and Derek played with her hair as he talked, toying with the loose strands and then slowly tracing his fingers along the collar of her jacket. Meredith laughed at something and shook her head, and Addison forced herself to bend down and grope for her keys, doing her best to ignore how hungry their eyes were.

But when she straightened up, Meredith had pulled away from Derek, her eyes flashing angrily. Addison leaned forward, yet again forgetting that she meant to start her car, and watched as the two of them argued. Meredith shook her head and started to walk away, but Derek reached out and snatched her small hand in his. She whirled back around, staring intently up at Derek, and Addison found herself wishing that she knew how to read lips. But after a moment, Meredith pulled her hand from Derek's and walked away. He didn't follow, just watched her get into her car and drive off, before sinking down to sit on the base of the lamppost.

Addison wasn't sure what made her get out of her car, but before she knew it she'd opened the door and climbed out, walking over to where Derek sat. "Trouble in paradise?" she asked, nudging his leg with the point of her heel.

"Addison…" he said without looking up. "What do you want?"

"Nothing, I'm just wondering what you did to make her storm off like that," said Addison, wondering why she had suddenly developed an incredibly painful sense of curiosity. Derek sighed and propped his head up on his hand.

"Why do you care?" he asked bluntly.

"I'm not going back to New York," she said quietly, and Derek finally looked at her. "Not now at least. When my contract's up, who knows. But that's not for nearly two and a half years. So basically I'm here and you're here, I'd rather we not be enemies…" She trailed off and shook her head, laughing a little. "Either that or I'm a glutton for pain and punishment. So go ahead Derek, make me miserable. Tell me all about Meredith." A brief smile flickered across his face and he agreed with a shrug.

"One minute she's perfectly happy. The next minute, she's switched gears completely. I don't understand it. She just keeps pushing me away," said Derek, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "I tell her that I love her and she says she doesn't know what she wants." Addison nodded, looking down at him to encourage him to continue. "So I asked her if it was because of Finn, if she was hesitating because she wanted to go back to him." Derek shrugged and shook his head. "And then…well, I'm guessing you saw how she got." Addison laughed in disbelief, walking over to sit down next to him on the edge of the curb.

"Derek, you're an idiot," she said evenly. He looked up abruptly, frowning at her.

"What?"

"I don't know how you ever got her in the first place if this is how you go about it now," continued Addison, still shaking her head. "It has nothing to do with Finn."

"That's what she said," said Derek quietly, sounding as if he didn't quite believe it himself.

"Do you seriously not get it Derek?" asked Addison incredulously, but Derek just looked at her in confusion. "Do you not get what you did to her?"

"Well I know I hurt her," mumbled Derek roughly. "Because of…well, us." He tilted his head towards Addison. "But I never meant to hurt her. I was…"

"You didn't just hurt her," interrupted Addison, not quite sure why she was taking the side of Meredith Grey, but unable to stop the words from falling from her mouth. "You shattered her. She fell for you and you just let her keep falling. You didn't catch her. She doesn't trust you anymore Derek," said Addison simply. "That's what the problem is. Why should she love you when all you've done is hurt her?" Derek shook his head, staring at the ground in silence. The light was fading from his eyes, and when he turned to look at Addison his expression was hollow and sad.

"Right…" he said quietly. "What do I do Addie?" His voice was earnest, pleading and a little bit broken, like that of a child who had looked up and suddenly found himself lost and overwhelmed. "I can't lose her." Addison closed her eyes and bit her lip, trying to ignore the dull pain his words brought to her heart. She shrugged and got to her feet.

"I don't know Derek," she said sadly. "Although, you can start with no more bringing up Finn," she added with a laugh. Derek looked up and nodded as he met her eyes, letting a short chuckle escape his lips as well. "I've gotta get going," continued Addison, gesturing towards her car. Derek just nodded again, his head falling back into his hands. She'd unlocked the door and was about to climb in when Derek finally spoke.

"Goodnight Addison," he called, smiling slightly as he watched her from his seat on the lamppost.

"Goodnight Derek," agreed Addison. And as she got into her car she realized the people had been wrong. Everyone from the Chief of Surgery down to the last, sympathetic nurse, they'd all been wrong. She wasn't going to crumble or run away with her tail between her legs. She could handle it. It would be painful at times, but Addison _knew _that she could survive it.


	16. Ch 16: Love Is a Verb

_A/N - First of all, thank you so much for the lovely reviews. They make me happy! I am beyond delighted that people are enjoying this story. Now, on the actual show, I just love when they have those delightfully anvilicious patients who hit you over the head with their "lesson" for our characters. They make me smile. So, I included my own anvil patient in this chapter. Be prepared to cringe and roll your eyes at the obviousness of it all. Originally I thought this would be a short chapter, just the stuff that was meant to go into Ch. 15 but wouldn't fit. Yet...somehow...this chapter grew. I have no idea how. I didn't know that Derek and Addison talking would lead to this result, it just sort of came out of my fingers (and yes, I know that doesn't make sense). I blame it on the horridly hot weather and the cheesy 80s music I've been listening to all night. So, to sum up, read at your own risk. Due to the bad weather and music, this chapter has grown into a long, anvilicious and unplanned monster!_

_

* * *

_Some days it just is easier to be angry. It's an excuse to not be rational, to ignore the real problem and simply see the world in flashes of red and bright white. That was just the sort of day Meredith woke up to. Sleep hadn't dulled her frustrations of the night before, somehow it seemed to have deepened the feelings into a tangled web of anger, frustration and annoyance. _He mentioned Finn_ she thought bitterly, slamming the cabinets in the bathroom violently and nearly yanking her hair out from brushing it so fiercely. _This isn't about Finn. Derek doesn't even know me at all_ she seethed as she got dressed for work and hurried down the stairs. However, she stopped and forced a tight smile onto her face when she got to the bottom of the staircase and caught sight of Izzie standing in the front room.

"You're up early," said Meredith, walking over to her.

"Yeah," agreed Izzie, staring intently at the DVD cabinets behind the television.

"Want to come to work with me? Bailey asked about you again." Meredith hurried into the kitchen, filling a mug up from the pot of coffee Izzie had already made. "You can listen to me go on and on about why Derek's a jackass on the way over," she called when Izzie didn't reply. "And if that's not fun then…" she wandered back into the front room to find Izzie still studying the racks of DVDs. "Izzie?"

"This is awful…these are all messed up," muttered Izzie quietly. Meredith frowned confusedly at the racks. There were a few stray DVDs sitting on top of the TV, but nearly all of them were stacked on the racks. They actually looked much cleaner then they usually did.

"I think they look okay Iz."

"No…" said Izzie slowly, turning around. "They're all out of order." A smile spread across her face. "I'll alphabetize them! And oh…I'm going to have to split them up by genre."

"Well that's an idea," said Meredith skeptically. "So, no hospital then?"

"Oh no, sorry Meredith. Have a nice day at work. I think I'll make some cute little labels for the different sections," she said happily, turning back to the DVD racks and starting to unload the movies. Meredith didn't argue with her, just shook her head in disbelief as she walked out the door.

Meredith nursed her angry bitter mood the whole way to the hospital, where she decided it was a good thing (for his sake) that she and Derek didn't wind up in the same elevator. When she got into the locker room, she immediately tuned out George and barely listened to Christina. She just glared at the door of her locker, relishing the thought that she was mad at Derek and was therefore finally spared a day of trying to decide whether she should say yes or no to dinner with him.

"Meredith!" Meredith looked down. Christina had grabbed her wrist with one hand and was waving her other hand in front of her face. "Why are you all squinty and red?"

"I'm not," she snapped, pulling her hand free and slamming her locker shut.

"Oh you so are," laughed Christina, as she followed her out of the locker room. "You're glaring at everything." Meredith just shrugged and headed towards the nurses' station. As she did, Derek came walking out of a patient's room. Meredith froze for a second and Derek looked up, smiling slightly at her. Meredith's thoughts flashed immediately back to their conversation in the parking lot, and she bit her lip to keep from resuming the argument right where it had left off the night before. Instead, she turned her head and walked straight past him. "Whoa…did you actually just _ignore _McDreamy?" asked Christina, looking back and forth between the two of them in confusion.

"McJackass," muttered Meredith.

"Oh, so we're boy bashing this morning," said Christina happily. "I can totally beat whatever you've got." Meredith turned to glare at Christina.

"Fine. Derek said I haven't taken him back because I actually want to go back to Finn."

"Do you?" asked Christina.

"No!" snapped Meredith incredulously. "But that's not the point. How can he not realize, how can he be so incredibly stupid…"

"Please Mer, that's nothing," interrupted Christina. "Burke asked me why I don't call him Preston."

"I mean obviously it's not Finn. How could it be Finn when I broke up with him," seethed Meredith. "The man's a doctor, he's supposed to be intelligent!" She turned abruptly to look at Christina. "Remind me to never let him _anywhere_ near my brain."

"Why would I want to call him Preston?" continued Christina, making a face as she said the name. "I've never called him Preston."

"At least he's not using guys you used to date against you," said Meredith bitterly.

"Ha…I'm not done. He brought up physical therapy, again."

"Derek brought up Finn again."

"I told him I wasn't calling him Preston, so as punishment, he asks if I'd thought anymore about coming to physical therapy with him today," said Christina, shaking her head. "He thought it would be a good thing we could do as a couple, now that we don't see each other at work. Since when do I do couple things?"

"Seriously," agreed Meredith. "It's like they've forgotten who we are."

"Suddenly they think they're dating veterinarian-loving, overly supportive…"

"Dating? Derek's not my boyfriend," interrupted Meredith.

"Right…then why are you doing the overreacting, raging girlfriend act Izzie was so good at?"

"I am not…I'm," stammered Meredith, frowning at Christina. "You're supposed to be my person here!"

"Hey, I'm all for it," said Christina with a shrug as she patted Meredith on the arm. "McDreamy's gone too long without anyone properly ripping into him. Go for it Mer." Meredith sighed and started to answer as Bailey walked out of the elevator.

"Lets move people," she called loudly, walking towards the nurses' station. Meredith and Christina fell silent as George and Alex hurried over to join them. "O'Malley you're with me today. Karev, you know where to go." Alex groaned loudly, leaning against the counter and letting his head fall into his hands. "Is there a problem Dr. Karev?" snapped Bailey, glaring at him.

"Can I switch with O'Malley?" he asked at once, looking up hopefully.

"No. You can't," she said sharply. "Go assist Dr. Montgomery."

"But I was on the freaking vagina squad yesterday," muttered Alex, as he grabbed his coffee and trudged slowly towards the elevators.

"Grey you're with Shepherd," continued Bailey.

"Again?" said Meredith, her voice coming out angrier then she had intended. Bailey's head snapped up, and she glared at Meredith through narrowed eyes. "That's not possible," stammered Meredith quickly. "I was on neuro yesterday."

"Oh it _is_ possible. You were assigned to neuro yesterday, and today Dr. Shepherd requested you. You want to tell me just why Shepherd's requesting you?"

"No," said Meredith quietly, looking down at the floor. She could practically feel Bailey smirking at her.

"That's what I thought," she said smugly. "Yang, I need a word with you. And Grey," Meredith sighed and looked up, nodding. "Go find Dr. Shepherd."

-----

"You requested me," said Meredith coolly, walking over to where Derek was standing.

"Yeah," said Derek, his smile faltering when he caught sight of the look in her eyes. "Meredith, I'm sorry…about last night."

"You don't get to request me just to make it easier for you to apologize," said Meredith, frowning up at him. She held out her hand for the chart he was holding, pursing her lips and studying it silently.

"Come on Mer, listen to me. I'm sorry," he said softly. "I was wrong." Meredith glanced back up, her expression softening slightly.

"I'm still mad at you," she said after a moment, closing the chart and walking down the hall towards the patient's room. She paused after a few steps, worrying that he would think she was simply walking away to see their patient. "And, by the way, this is me storming off here, Derek," she added over her shoulder, before carrying on down the hallway.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have brought up Finn," continued Derek, as he hurried to catch up with her.

"No, you shouldn't have. Me not wanting to have dinner with you has nothing to do with Finn," hissed Meredith.

"I know, I know," said Derek apologetically. "Addison said it wasn't about…"

"Addison said?" interrupted Meredith. She stopped walking abruptly and turned to look daggers at Derek. "Why would Addison have anything to say about this at all?" Derek winced visibly and put a hand on Meredith's shoulder, but she stepped out of his grasp.

"She saw us last night. And after you left, she came over and told me what an idiot I…" began Derek.

"You know what?" snapped Meredith, cutting him off. She thought she had been upset before, but Meredith was quickly realizing that she had just been annoyed. Now however, _now_ she was furious. She shook her head at Derek disbelievingly. "Stop talking to me," said Meredith, her voice growing low and heavy with her emotions.

"Meredith…" said Derek pleadingly, but she ignored him, simply looking down at the chart in her hands and placing a hand on the door in front of her. Meredith forced a slight smile onto her face as the door swung open. "Good morning Mrs. Baker," she said stepping into the room. Derek sighed and walked in behind her. "What brings you here today?"

"Oh hi," said the woman seated on the bed. She looked about Meredith's age, with bright blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair cut into a short bob. Her pale skin was dusted lightly with freckles. "Please, I prefer Madeline. And I'm here today because…" she paused and glanced over at the man sitting next to her on the bed. Unlike her, he was still in street clothes, and was holding her hand tightly. The two of them exchanged sheepish smiles. "Well, I fell and hit my head," she said.

"You fell," said Derek, stepping towards the couple. He pulled out his penlight and shined it in her eyes. "Can you tell me more about how you fell?"

"Well, it's a long story," said Madeline, giggling softly. "You see, we just got married."

"We're on our honeymoon actually," interjected the man next to her. Madeline turned to smile brightly at him again.

"Yes, oh this is Ben. My husband," she said proudly, tilting her head towards him, the words clearly still new to her lips.

"Congratulations," said Derek warmly, still examining Madeline's head as they spoke. Meredith frowned slightly, struggling to keep from looking over at Derek.

"Thank you," said Madeline, grinning up at him. "Anyway, my head…well Ben and I were…celebrating…and I fell off the bed."

"She hit her head pretty hard," added Ben. "I actually thought she was unconscious for a moment or two."

"Mmhmm," said Derek. Meredith could feel him looking at her, but didn't meet his eyes. "Have you been in any pain sense then Madeline? Headaches? Dizziness?"

"Yes actually, my head's been hurting a bit. That's why my Ben insisted we come in." Madeline patted her husband's hand fondly as she spoke.

"Any suggestions, Dr. Grey?" asked Derek, and Meredith finally turned to look at him.

"I'd take her down to CT to check for bleeding," answered Meredith, not quite hiding the edge to her voice. Derek hesitated, staring at her for a moment before nodding.

"Yes, excellent. Page me when you're in there," he answered, risking a smile which Meredith didn't reciprocate.

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith evenly, passing the chart back to him to sign off on. As she watched him disappear down the hall, she had to swallow the lump in her throat to keep from crying out. He'd brought up Finn. He'd talked to Addison. Meredith had no idea what she was supposed to feel, but she wished like hell it didn't feel so jagged and bitter.

-----

Meredith sat in a chair with her legs crossed beneath her, watching the tech set things up for the CT and waiting for Derek to show up. It wasn't fair, she had been planning to just be annoyed about Finn. Derek deserved it, even Christina agreed. But then he went and talked to Addison about _them_, and Meredith didn't know what to think. _Maybe he still loves her_ she told herself bitterly, trying to ignore the searing pain the idea sent through her. She let her head fall into her hands, and just sat there until the door opened. "She in there?" The voice was Derek's. Meredith just nodded, not looking up. She heard his footsteps pacing back and forth behind her, heard him mumbling a question to the CT tech sitting at the computer. "They're cute together," he said after a moment. He'd raised his voice slightly, and Meredith knew he was addressing her. She turned around to look at him, raising an eyebrow. She didn't answer though. At the moment, the only things she could think of to say about married couples were short and bitter and filled with too many four-letter words.

"Scan's up," interrupted the technician, and the two of them turned to look at the computer, watching as images of Madeline's brain scrolled across the screen.

"Oh no…" said Meredith softly, forgetting her own problems as she stared at the screen. "What a horrible way to celebrate your honeymoon."

"Yeah," agreed Derek, his voice quiet and tired. He sighed and straightened up. "Lets get her out of there."

Wordlessly, Meredith followed Derek back out into the hallway, trailing silently after him into Madeline Baxter's room. She always hated this part, where they went and told people just what was wrong with them. She hated watching the dance of confusion and shock and fear that played out on their faces. And so she glanced away from Madeline, focusing instead on Derek as he spoke. For the first time all day, she was grateful to have him standing next to her, grateful that she didn't have to search for the right words herself.

"A sub…what?" stammered Madeline once Derek had stopped speaking. She grasped frantically for her husband's hand, staring wide-eyed up at them.

"A subdural hematoma," repeated Derek gently.

"And now I need brain surgery?" whispered Madeline, looking absolutely horrified at the idea.

"It's one of your options. You can wait, and hope that the bleeding resolves itself naturally or I can go ahead and operate."

"Then she'll be fine? If you operate, she'll be fine?" asked Ben desperately.

"Hopefully. There's a very good chance you will be. But…the operation has its risks," said Derek quietly, the meaning behind his words painfully apparent.

"If I wait?"

"Best case scenario? The bleeding takes care of itself, and you're perfectly fine. However, if it does not and the bleeding progresses too far, the risks to the surgery increase dramatically."

"Right…" stammered Madeline. "Of course…right…I need to, to think." She glanced frantically back and forth between Derek and her husband. "I don't know what to do. I need to think about this. Please…" she pressed a hand to her head, moaning softly. "Can you leave us alone for a little while? I need to think."

Derek and Meredith nodded, excusing themselves from the room. They walked in silence together down the hall, until Meredith turned to look at Derek. "Do you think she'll get the surgery?" she asked quietly, forgetting for a moment that she was still furious with Derek.

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I think she should."

"Right away?" asked Meredith skeptically. "Without even thinking about it? Without taking time to consider what could happen?"

"The longer she waits, the lower her chances are of surviving the surgery."

"But she could be fine," countered Meredith.

"She could, it's a risk."

"The surgery is dangerous. She could die from it," said Meredith, looking up at Derek.

"Or it could save her. Besides," he added, grinning a little. "I'm good." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"You're insufferable," she snapped, turning to walk away. Derek reached out and caught her arm, pulling her after him into the stairwell. "What?" she asked, growing suddenly angry again.

"About earlier…about Addison."

"You want to talk about that now?" she asked, her voice growing cold. Derek nodded his head insistently, and she consented with a shrug, trying to ignore the feeling that her world had once again been shaken by Addison. They were getting a divorce, and yet somehow, she was still there.

"Why are you upset Mer?" asked Derek quietly. "Because I was talking to her? Do you not want me to talk to her anymore?" Meredith sighed and sat down on the steps, fidgeting with the hem of her scrub top.

"No…I'm not asking you to do that," she said slowly. "You were married a long time…your divorce isn't even final yet." She shook her head again. "I don't mind that you talk to her," she said heavily, wishing that her mind wasn't slowly giving in and returning to being rational.

"Meredith…" The tone of Derek's voice was urging her to speak, coaxing her to stop staring at the floor and look at him. Meredith could tell that he didn't quite believe her, that he knew she was still upset. She sighed again, biting her lip.

"Do you still love her?" she asked at last, her voice coming out very quiet and small.

"No," said Derek at once.

"No?" Meredith turned to look at him. Somehow he had managed to get a hold of her hand, and Meredith realized that she was gripping it tightly despite herself.

"No," he repeated forcefully. "Meredith, I only love you." Meredith took a shaky breath, it still didn't feel normal to hear Derek say that he loved her. It felt strange and accidental, hard to accept, hard to believe. She shifted slightly, looking away from him. "Meredith, you have to believe me. Even when Addison and I were together before we signed the papers…I couldn't look at her without thinking of you, without seeing you in her eyes. Please, trust me Mer. Addison and I are over, really truly over." He looked at her, his eyes sincere and pleading with her to believe him. And Meredith did believe him, at least a little bit, so she gave a short nod of her head. It was barely more then a slight jerk, but still, it was something.

"Fine," she said quietly, and Derek breathed a sigh of relief. Meredith turned to stare at him, her eyes searching his face. She felt exhausted. Being angry was leaving her worn thin, close to breaking. She licked her lips, feeling the temptation to just kiss Derek and settle all their problems that way. She caught his eyes traveling from her eyes down to her lips as her tongue flicked quickly out and over them. But Meredith took a deep breath and managed to look away. "But why tell her Derek?" Meredith asked at last. "I'm freaking insecure enough next to her anyway. Why does she need to know anything about us?" She looked helplessly at Derek, hoping he had an answer that she could believe in.

"She doesn't need to," began Derek, shaking his head. "It's just…she was only trying to explain, help me understand." His voice trailed off as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Understand?" echoed Meredith warily.

"Yes, to understand why you won't even talk to me about what we're doing. Why you're being so…difficult about this." The change in Meredith's expression was instantaneous. Her eyes clouded over, anger rushing back into her voice.

"Difficult," she snapped as she got to her feet. "Difficult? Seriously Derek, you think I'm being difficult? Finn and Addison in under twenty-four hours, and you think _I'm _being difficult? Seriously?" Derek started to answer but she just shook her head and walked out, letting the door slam behind her.

-----

"Meredith? What are you doing down here?" George walked over to where Meredith was sitting, curled up on an old abandoned gurney in one of the winding corridors of the hospital basement. She had searched the hospital for Christina, wanting desperately to tell her several new nicknames she'd made up for Derek. However, Meredith hadn't been able to find her anywhere, and so she had settled for simply doing her best to steer clear of Derek.

"Avoiding Shepherd," muttered Meredith, setting down the chart she'd been filling out.

"Aren't you his intern today?" asked George, hopping up to sit next to her on the gurney. Meredith nodded.

"Yes…" she said bitterly, jabbing her pen hard against the gurney. She turned and frowned at George. "What are you doing all the way down here?"

"Oh, looking for Callie," he said absently, reaching over to take some of the chips out of the bag laying next to her.

"Seriously? In the basement?"

"Umm…yeah," stammered George, blushing slightly. "I guess…I think…they keep some ortho supplies down here." He looked cautiously over at Meredith, but she just nodded again, already back to filling out her charts. "Are you alright Mer?" he asked after a moment.

"I'm hiding from Derek in the basement George," she said flatly. "So, probably not…" George opened his mouth, glancing awkwardly at her, and Meredith realized he was about to offer her some advice. She sighed and cleared her throat, not really wanting to discuss the argument she'd just had. "I'm doing better then Izzie though," she said before George could speak. "Did you see what she's doing to our movies?" He laughed and nodded his head.

"I know. I was a little scared this morning," he confided in an exaggerated whisper.

"Well just be glad there are no major holidays coming up. I don't think my house could handle her decorating."

"Yeah…" agreed George, but he shook his head, his expression growing thoughtful. "She was doing so good before the funeral. And now, she's back to…alphabetizing."

"I know."

"I wonder if she'll ever come back," continued George sadly as Meredith's pager went off. She yanked it off her waistband and looked at it.

"Can't avoid Derek now," she said as she scooped up her paperwork, smiling quickly at George before heading for the elevator at the far end of the corridor.

When Meredith made it upstairs to Madeline Baxter's room, Derek was already standing in the doorway. He turned around at the sound of Meredith's footsteps. "She's decided to have the surgery," he said to her.

"I see that, Dr. Shepherd," said Meredith, walking around him and into the room where the nurse was transferring Madeline from her bed to the gurney. "You've decided, Madeline," continued Meredith as she walked over to help the nurse.

"I did," agreed Madeline, looking up at Meredith. "I've been thinking about it and we've been talking." She gestured between herself and her husband, who was standing as close to her as he could without getting in the nurse's way. "And, I'm scared but…I don't just want to sit here wondering if the pancakes I had for breakfast this morning were really the _last _ones I'd ever eat…if the last time I slept with my husband was going to be the time I fell out of the bed. I don't want to…" she paused to wipe a tear away from her eye. "I don't want to just sit here thinking about everything that could go wrong when I have a chance to do something and get better. So that I can eat more pancakes and..." Madeline glanced up at her husband again, smiling as another tear ran down her cheek. "Have sex that doesn't cause brain damage. So yes," she said, nodding her head. "I'll have the surgery."

-----

Meredith stalked silently after Derek, not once meeting his eyes. The scrub room was deathly quiet with the tension between the two of them, and the scrub nurses exchanged curious glances before leaving to take Madeline Baxter into the OR. Meredith stared at her hands as she washed them, pretending she didn't know that Derek was looking at her.

"Meredith," he began at last. She walked past him and dried off her hands. "Meredith please, you've been ignoring me all day." She ignored the pleading tone in his voice as best she could, hating that the hurt wounded look in his eyes forced her to hesitate at the door instead of marching straight into the OR. "Meredith?" She let her hand fall away from the door, and slowly turned around. "Why are you upset Mer?" he asked, taking a step towards her.

"Don't Mer me," Meredith snapped at once, because it was easier then considering his question. Derek sighed but nodded.

"Why Meredith? Is it because I mentioned Finn?" Meredith shrugged. "Because I talked to Addison?" Meredith pursed her lips, glaring at the floor. She didn't answer, but her whole body had tensed up. "Meredith…" continued Derek hesitantly, as if trying to guess her thoughts.

"What? What Derek? What am I supposed to say…you just think I'm difficult, remember?"

"Mer…"

"No seriously," said Meredith, walking towards him. "You think I'm being difficult. Right?"

"I think you're making this difficult," said Derek at last. "You won't tell me what you want Meredith."

"I told you," protested Meredith, growing suddenly defensive. "I need time to think. I don't know what I want, I need to think."

"Can't you just know, Meredith?" asked Derek, his voice low and pleading as he walked closer to her. He reached out, his fingers trailing slowly down the line of her face. "I _know. _I don't need to think…I just know that I want you." Meredith shivered at his touch, and if her body alone could have answered, it would have screamed yes…utterly, completely yes.

"No," said Meredith flatly. "It's stupid to just leap blindly…" She shrugged and glared at Derek. "I need to think, I need to be rational, which is really hard to do when you keep bringing Finn and Addison into things." She pulled away from Derek, walking over towards the other end of the scrub room.

"Meredith, you know Addison and I are over. That's not what's going on here."

"Oh, then what is, Dr. Shepherd? Enlighten me," sneered Meredith.

"What's going on is you're putting Addison and Finn and anything you can think of in between us, to keep from having to decide what you want to do." Meredith rolled her eyes and started to look away, but Derek kept talking. "But Meredith, some things you just have to know. Some things…no matter how much you avoid or rationalize, there's always going to be a risk. It's like…" he hesitated, seeming at a loss for words. "It's like Madeline Baxter," he said after a moment.

"Excuse me?"

"Yes. The surgery is a risk, no matter how much you think about. That doesn't change anything. She just had to know. She had to stop thinking so much and just know her life was worth the risk. Can't you believe that we're worth whatever you're afraid of?"

"Seriously?" asked Meredith incredulously, walking towards Derek, her arms crossed over her chest. "What the hell Derek? That was the saddest metaphor that I've ever…did you seriously just compare our relationship to a brain that is _bleeding_?"

"It makes sense," protested Derek defensively.

"It does not," snapped Meredith loudly. Her eyes flashed as she leaned towards him, tilting her head back to glare straight up into his eyes.

"Yes, it does," he insisted, shifting his weight so that they were standing even closer together. Meredith shook her head. She raised her hand to push him away, but somehow just ended running her fingers down his chest. She didn't mean to, but the way Derek was looking at her was making her blood burn in her veins. Without realizing it, Meredith slowly traced the line of her lower lip with her tongue. By now their bodies were barely an inch apart, their breathing synchronized, yet loud and rough with frustration. They stood motionless, just staring at each other, until the door to the scrub room opened and a nurse poked her head in.

"Umm…Mrs. Baxter is ready now Dr. Shepherd," she said hesitantly before walking quickly back into the OR. Meredith turned quickly from Derek, only just realizing that everyone standing on the other side of the large glass window that separated the scrub room from the OR was staring wide-eyed at them.

"Shit…" muttered Meredith under her breath. She turned back to Derek, her pulse still racing as she hurriedly tied on her mask. "Come on, Dr. Shepherd. Our patient is waiting." Her voice was short and clipped, and she marched into the OR without waiting for his reply.

Derek followed her into the OR in silence, the staff within awkwardly averting their eyes from the two of them. Meredith sighed and took her place, looking down at the unconscious figure of Madeline Baxter. It was easier to focus on Madeline then on Derek, and Meredith stared at the blue surgical towels, even though she knew Derek was watching her. However, when he abandoned his usual catchphrase and instead simply called for a scalpel, Meredith looked up. Their eyes met for a moment; hungry and angry and stubborn and confused. But after a second they both turned away as Derek brought the scalpel down towards Madeline's scalp.

Meredith was doing her best to stay angry at Derek. However, she had to keep reminding herself to hate him. _Hate, hate, hate. _It was exceedingly difficult when he kept glancing up at her over Madeline's body. She knew he was frustrated, probably even angry, because his blue eyes had darkened and were almost black when he looked at her. Meredith could feel the curious gazes of the scrub nurses, could tell that they were watching the way she and Derek kept staring at each other. She knew she should be embarrassed, but their eyes felt like nothing compared to Derek's. Her skin burned when he looked at her. _Hate, hate, hate…_Meredith reminded herself, purposely narrowing her eyes at him, trying to ignore the way he had just said "suction." "More suction," it was a surgical command but it was so much more. It made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. It was all that he could say in a room full of people, but his voice was low and thick with frustration and the unfinished argument that hung between the two of them. _Hate…_except it made Meredith want to push him backwards, straddling him over the OR table. She wanted to either scream at him or screw him, but she couldn't do either. _No, _she reminded herself once more, forcing herself to focus on Madeline Baxter's brain and nothing more. _Hate, hate, hate…_


	17. Ch 17: The Moment of Truth in Your Lies

_A/N - Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. The title for this chapter comes from the lyrics to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. (Yes, I love the Goo Goo Dolls, I grew up on them. Don't judge me lol ;) Anyway, if you own that song and want to make me super happy, but it on repeat when you read the second half of this chapter. I listened to it the whole time I was writing, and the lyrics just remind me so much of Mer/Der. Anyway, the next update after this may take a bit longer because I'm going out of town, so my apologies for that. I'll bring my computer with though, and see what I can do. So read away, and please review. I love to hear what people think!_

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Meredith lay on her bed, glaring at her ringing phone. It was vibrating closer and closer to the edge of her bedside table, and Meredith grudgingly held out her hand, catching her phone as it finally fell over the edge. She glanced at the caller id and flipped it open, rolling over onto her stomach as she answered.

"Hello," she muttered.

"Hey, where are you?" It was Christina, talking very rapidly and loudly into the phone. "Are you still at work?"

"No, I'm at home. Where were you all day?" asked Meredith. "You will not believe what Derek did," she added angrily.

"Long story Mer. I'll tell you at Joe's."

"At Joe's?"

"Yeah. You're coming to Joe's with me," said Christina decidedly.

"I don't want to go to Joe's," moaned Meredith. "I want to lay here and tell you why I hate Derek Shepherd."

"You can tell me at Joe's." Meredith just moaned again, pulling a pillow over her face. "You don't want to go to Joe's?" asked Christina incredulously. "There'll be tequila, and I'll even listen and comment thoughtfully." Meredith groaned and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of her bed.

"Fine," she agreed.

"Okay good," said Christina happily. "Now get your ass out of bed and down to Joe's."

"How did you know I was in bed…" began Meredith as she got up and bent down to find her shoes. "Are you stalking me?" she asked skeptically.

"Yes Meredith. I'm outside your window watching you right now," deadpanned Christina. "No, you're just freaking predictable. Get up, come meet me at Joe's." With that, Christina hung up. Meredith rolled her eyes at her phone before slipping it into the back pocket of her jeans and grabbing her purse off the floor. Izzie and George were sitting together on the floor in the middle of the front room, and Meredith just shouted a hurried "Joe's" over her shoulder when they asked where she was going. She may have complained at first, but it didn't really take that much convincing to get her to go to Joe's. She was Meredith Grey after all.

When Meredith got to Joe's, Christina was already there sitting at the bar, a drink in hand. "Finally," she said, looking up as Meredith sat down.

"Alcohol Joe," said Meredith, turning to smile wryly at Joe. "Alcohol, tequila…lots of it." She looked back at Christina who was staring bitterly down into the bottom of her drink. "And what's wrong with you?" asked Meredith, frowning at her. "You look more like me then me."

"Burke called Bailey," said Christina flatly.

"Huh?"

"He called Bailey," repeated Christina, her voice rising. "He actually called her about me."

"Oh…" said Meredith, still sounding confused. She took the shot Joe handed her and swallowed it quickly, fighting off the urge to complain about Derek until the wildly furious look on Christina's face lessened slightly. "What did he…"

"So this morning," continued Christina, cutting Meredith's question short. "Bailey comes over to me and says that it's perfectly fine if I want to take today off to go with Burke. That I'm entitled to take a personal day or two when my boyfriend gets shot. She told me she completely understood and that I shouldn't have been afraid to ask," ranted Christina, shaking her head in disbelief. "Then, she practically marched me out the door herself so I could go to physical therapy with Burke."

"Seriously?" asked Meredith incredulously. "I thought you told Burke that you didn't want to go. That doesn't make any sense. Why would he tell Bailey that if…" began Meredith, the three shots of tequila she'd downed in rapid succession already causing her to start rambling a little.

"I didn't," interrupted Christina bitterly. "I told him I'd love to but I couldn't because of work…that Bailey would kill me if I missed a day." She glared down at the counter. "I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Since when I am concerned about feelings?"

"Oh," said Meredith, her voice growing quiet.

"I spent all day with Burke. At the physical therapists, then going out to lunch, and being thoughtful and worrying about feelings," raged Christina. She picked up her glass and drained the drink in one deep swallow and motioned to Joe for a refill. "I've been so freaking supportive it hurts."

"Well at least Burke cares about you and wants to spend time with you."

"It's pathetic," interjected Christina.

"It's better then talking about you to his ex-wife," said Meredith bitterly. Christina looked up from her drink.

"He's talking to Addison about you?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Uh huh…" mumbled Meredith as she swallowed another mouthful of tequila. She slammed the empty shot glass down on the counter and turned to look at Christina. "And then he comes and tells me that I need to know what I want…that I…" she hesitated, struggling to think of what she wanted to say. "He tried to compare our relationship to a subdural hematoma," she said at last.

"Seriously?" laughed Christina.

"Yes seriously," continued Meredith, her voice rising as she spoke. "Apparently our whole relationship can be summed up as a traumatic head injury." She paused and shook her head. "Actually yes, that describes all of this perfectly. One big, messy accident. Oh, and painful. A painful, possibly deadly accident."

"So you and McDreamy are fighting then," smirked Christina, looking slightly happier now that she wasn't the only one who was bitter and pissed off.

"That's an understatement," said Meredith as she downed another shot. She moaned and set the empty glass down on the counter, shaking her head. "We had this huge fight in the scrub room while we were scrubbing in for surgery, and everyone in the OR saw us."

"Ohh…" Christina raised her eyebrows, her voice fluctuating between amused and understanding. "Fun surgery." Meredith rolled her eyes at her.

"It was not fun," she said crossly. "It was horrible…I was so mad. I _am_ so mad, so completely…"

"What did you do after the surgery?" interrupted Christina curiously. "Fling scalpels at him?" she asked with a smirk.

"I ran."

"Seriously, you ran?"

"Yes. I fled the scene," snapped Meredith. "It was either that or…" she sighed and looked at Christina. "Do you ever get so completely furious at someone that the only rational thing left to do is have sex?" Christina snorted into her drink.

"Rational isn't the word I'd use Mer."

"Fine, whatever," said Meredith absently, still caught up in her own thoughts. "But that's what would of happened if I stayed. So I ran. It's just he's so…so completely frustrating. First Finn, then Addison and then with the metaphors," she shook her head angrily. "The freaking metaphors, like this is all my fault. Like I'm supposed to just know what I want. You know he said I'm doing it on purpose, to avoid figuring us out. He's so stupid. Why would I enjoy torturing myself?" Meredith picked up her shot and threw the drink violently down her throat. "I hate him! I definitely hate him. I'm never speaking to him again," she said adamantly.

"Shit…this is not happening," said Christina, glancing over her shoulder.

"No it is happening," continued Meredith. "I mean it. I'm not saying another word to him."

"No, not that," hissed Christina. "This." She pushed the barstool Meredith was sitting on, spinning her around so that she was facing the door. Derek and Burke had just walked in together and were talking in the doorway. Meredith swirled immediately back around on her seat, and in a testament to how many drinks she'd had, did not quietly slip out the back door. Instead she leaned forward, her elbows on the counter.

"Joe!" she called, and the bartender turned around and walked over to her. "Can you hide us?" asked Meredith urgently. "Like maybe down there, behind the bar?" She peered hopefully over the edge of the counter.

"You're stupid Mer," said Christina as Joe just laughed and shook his head. Meredith glanced back over her shoulder at Derek and Burke, who appeared to have spotted them.

"Crap…they're coming over," muttered Meredith. Christina just grabbed the shot glass that was resting in Meredith's hand, and drained it herself. "Hey," said Meredith, turning to look at her. "I needed that."

"I needed it more," began Christina. "Burke…hey," she added, smiling up at him as he appeared at her side. "What are you doing here?"

"I might ask you the same question," he said, a puzzled look on his face.

"I'm here with a friend."

"So am I." He gestured towards Derek who was standing silently beside him, his hands in the pockets of his coat. He was staring at Meredith who was staring straight back at him, although neither of them had moved to speak.

"You two aren't friends," snapped Christina, raising an eyebrow.

"Well Derek had some nerve therapy ideas that he wanted to discuss," began Burke but Christina cut him off.

"Oh…more therapy," she moaned loudly. Burke frowned in confusion. "Go, discuss your therapy then." Christina waved her hand at the two men as if to shoo them away. However, Derek and Meredith were still perfectly motionless, their attention transfixed on nothing but each other. Burke and Christina glanced simultaneously at them before looking back at each other.

"Actually, may I have a word with you in private?" asked Burke. Christina rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement. However, as she started to get down from the barstool, Meredith looked away from Derek.

"Christina…" she hissed, but Christina just shrugged and mouthed "good luck" before walking away to a table with Burke. Meredith sighed heavily and turned back to her drink, trying to ignore the feel of Derek's eyes on her.

"Meredith," he began quietly. The sound of his voice brought her straight back to the argument in the scrub room and, for an instant, she seriously considered pulling Derek towards her and kissing him. But almost immediately the feeling passed and she shook her head, yanking her purse off the counter.

"I am so not staying here for this," she snapped heatedly, pausing for just a second to glare at Derek, before hopping down from the stool and heading for the door.

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Meredith pushed the door open and hurried outside. The cool night air was a sharp contrast to the warmth of the bar, and she shivered as she searched through her purse for her keys. _Come on_, she thought, digging frantically through the mess of stuff in her bag until her fingers finally wrapped around the cool metallic edge of a key. She yanked them out of her purse and quickened her pace. Meredith had no doubt that Derek would follow her out of Joe's, and she had no intention of waiting around long enough for him to catch up with her. However, in her hurry to get away from Joe's, she fumbled with her keys and dropped them. By the time she grabbed them again and straightened up, Derek was already leaning against the door to her car.

"I'm not talking to you," snapped Meredith, glaring up at him. "And you're in my way."

"Give me your keys Meredith," said Derek, his voice sounding gentle but firm.

"No," she said incredulously, tightening her grip on her car keys.

"Meredith you can't drive like this," he insisted. "You've had too much to drink. Let me drive you home."

"I'm fine." Her mind felt like it was reeling, but she took another step towards her car, her annoyance quickly escalating into anger.

"Mer…come on," tried Derek again, but she just glared stubbornly at him. Derek sighed and reached out, his fingers easily unclenching her fist and slipping her keys from her grasp. Meredith gasped, her eyes wide with shock, as Derek put her keys in his pocket.

"You did not just do that," she hissed.

"Meredith calm down," reasoned Derek, placing a hand gently on her shoulder. But she just shook her head and pulled away. The fact that, secretly, she knew he was right was only serving to irritate her further.

"Calm down?" she echoed incredulously, turning away. Meredith swung her purse back onto her shoulder and began to walk quickly across the parking lot.

"What are you doing?" asked Derek, hurrying after her.

"Going home," she snapped.

"You're walking there?"

"Yes," said Meredith, whirling around to glare at Derek, but continuing to walk backwards. "I'm walking there since _you _won't let me drive." She turned back around, tripping slightly on an uneven corner of the sidewalk. She grabbed a signpost to steady herself, and in the few seconds it took for Meredith to regain her balance, Derek had caught up to her. "Leave me alone," she said angrily, hating the whirlwind of emotions that Derek was creating within her.

"Meredith," insisted Derek, walking after her as she once again began to hurry down the street. "Stop avoiding me."

"Stop following me!" shouted Meredith, glaring at him over her shoulder.

"Then stop running away from me," he countered, annoyance starting to creep into his voice as well. Meredith hesitated for a moment, staring up into his eyes. But she couldn't think of words to describe what she was feeling, she didn't even know how to understand it herself. Running just seemed easier.

"Why should I? What do you want from me Derek?" she snapped at last. Derek shook his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

"I want you Meredith," he said simply. "I want us to be us again." His eyes managed to be simultaneously pleading and frustrated as he watched her shake her head yet again.

"Maybe I'm not ready," she hissed. "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe we just can't." She pivoted on her heel and resumed walking away. After a moment, she realized that Derek had stopped following her. He was simply standing in the middle of the sidewalk, watching her. Meredith slowed her pace, finally coming to a stop, but not turning around.

"You don't want to?" he asked quietly. "Is that why you haven't once said…" Derek paused and took a deep breath. "Do you still love me, Meredith?" Meredith didn't move, she couldn't. She could hear her heartbeat, the loud pulsing sound filling her head and keeping her from thinking. She shivered as she stood staring straight ahead, her back turned to Derek, and she bit down hard on her lip to keep from crying. "Do you Meredith?" asked Derek again, his voice rising loudly. The sound shook Meredith back to life, started up that heady, burning feeling that rushed through her veins whenever he was near her.

"Maybe I don't," she blurted out, forcing herself to start walking again. This was dangerous, what he was asking her was dangerous. It had the potential to leave her as shattered and broken as she'd ever been.

"Then tell me you don't love me," said Derek as he walked after her.

"I don't," she declared, quickening her pace and keeping her eyes trained on the ground in front of her.

"Look at me when you say it," insisted Derek, but Meredith wouldn't turn around, wouldn't stop walking down the sidewalk. "Meredith, look at me," he repeated, his voice growing louder and more forceful. Derek reached out and grabbed Meredith's arm, spinning her back around to face him. She collided with him, gasping as she fell against his chest, their bodies pressed tightly together. Meredith turned her face away, staring over his shoulder. "Meredith…" She shook her head, but she was starting to tremble and couldn't keep her fingers from gripping Derek's arm tightly. "Look me in my eyes and say that you don't love me," said Derek. He wasn't yelling anymore. His voice had turned low and hoarse, as if dreading her response, and something in it pulled her gaze towards him. Meredith blinked away the tears in her eyes as she stared up at Derek.

"I…I…" she stammered, but she couldn't force her lips to say the words. His eyes were boring into her, and Meredith knew that if she could lie for just one more second, if she could just say she didn't love him once to his face, he would let her be. She would be safe. Derek would walk away, force himself to accept it, and let her be. She would be safe, but as she stared at him, Meredith knew if she said it she would never be whole again. The whole world seemed to be spinning, and she had no idea how she was still managing to stand, but she felt almost painfully alive. "I love you Derek," she said at last, not fully realizing that she was speaking. "I love you," she repeated breathlessly, her hand reaching up to run along the side of his cheek.

"You do?" he asked softly, his whole face breaking into a smile. Meredith nodded her head. Her heart was racing in her chest and she didn't have any breath left to speak with, so she simply pulled Derek to her and kissed him as hard as she could. She felt Derek kiss her back instantly, his fingers tangling up in the long loose strands of her hair, as they staggered backwards until they were pressed up against the back wall of Joe's. When they finally pulled away, Meredith's lips were already slightly swollen. She tilted her head forward, so her forehead rested against his as she gasped for breath. "I love you too Mer," he whispered, reaching up to smooth her hair back behind her ears.

"Yes," she whispered back, smiling up at him. Her heart was still racing, but Derek's arms felt tight and safe around her.

"Yes," he echoed and Meredith leaned forward, turning her head to lay on his shoulder. She could feel Derek's hands idly tracing circles down his back. "Meredith?" he said gently after a few minutes, and she murmured a response. He leaned forward, brushing her hair away to whisper into her ear. "Mer…" Meredith shivered at the warmth of his breath against her skin, and the soft brush of his lips upon her as he spoke.

"Derek," she gasped lightly, straightening up to look him in the eyes.

"Does this mean we can try to be us now?" His voice was earnest, sincere, hopeful…and there was a light in his eyes that Meredith recognized from a long time ago. She chewed thoughtfully on her lip.

"I'm afraid Derek," she said at last, glancing away from him as she spoke. Derek reached out and gently turned her face back towards him. He looked encouragingly at her, but she hesitated.

"Of what?" he coaxed. Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, hating that she was starting to cry. She pressed her face back into his shoulder, shaking her head slightly. "Shhh…" he soothed, his voice once again a murmur in her ear. "Mer, tell me. What is it?"

"Losing you…" she managed to say, her voice muffled against his chest. She sighed and forced herself to look up, quickly wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. "When you left me before…it was…it was…" stammered Meredith. "It was horrible. It almost destroyed me. I'm afraid to go back to you Derek because…I don't know how I could survive you leaving me again." She shrugged and looked away, staring fixedly at the lamppost across the street.

"Ohh ," said Derek quietly, shaking his head. "But Meredith, I don't want to leave you." He reached out and cupped her face in his hand, pulling her attention back to him. "I never want to leave you." Meredith blinked her eyes, unable to stop the tears that were spilling down her cheeks.

"That's what you thought about Addison though," she said at last. Derek sighed and nodded his head. "So how do you know it won't happen with me?"

"I loved Addison. I thought she was the love of my life." Meredith frowned and shifted uncomfortably, but Derek didn't let go of her face. "But Meredith, what I felt for her on our wedding day…it doesn't come close to what I feel whenever I think of you." He paused for a second, taking a breath and smiling at her. "See…Meredith, I love you in this really, really big way, where I let you eat the last piece of cheesecake and pretend to like your taste in music. Hell, I really will hold a radio over my head if it'll help convince you. You're once in a lifetime Mer." Meredith shook her head, smiling through the tears that were running down her face.

"You're cheesy," she said softly, her voice trembling as she spoke.

"You love it," he said decidedly, smiling back at her. Meredith blinked in surprise, suddenly realizing that his eyes were glistening as well.

"And you're cocky," she added as her smile turned into a full out grin.

"And you love it," he repeated, and Meredith shook her head and started to laugh.

"And I love it," she agreed. She ran her tongue over her teeth, leaning back a little to look at him. "So you want to be us again Derek?"

"Yeah…" his voice was a low whisper, and the sound alone brought another smile to Meredith's face. "Please Mer, can we try?" Meredith took a deep breath, stepping close to Derek again so that their lips were nearly touching.

"We can," she said softly, speaking into his mouth.

Slowly their lips ran together again, parting open for each other as Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's neck. She felt his hands move down to her waist, slipping beneath the fabric of her shirt and skimming lightly across her stomach. Meredith moaned slightly and pulled him closer to her, gasping as his mouth slid down and over the smooth skin of her neck. Her body was tilting instinctively towards him, and her mind was starting to go numb from the feeling of his hands on her.

Meredith gasped for breath and pulled away for a second. She glanced over her shoulder. The windows of Joe's bar were still glowing from within and she could hear the soft hum of music through the wall she was pressed up against. "Take me home Derek," she panted, her voice light and breathy as she hooked her fingers around the collar of his jacket. He raised his eyebrows at her and Meredith giggled, leaning forward and kissing him again. She could feel Derek smiling against her mouth as one of his hands reached up to run through her hair, and the other wrapped tightly about her, leading her away from the back wall of Joe's and towards his car in the parking lot.


	18. Ch 18: All About Us

_A/N - I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the previous chapter. I have been waiting to write that section forever, and so I'm beyond thrilled it got a positve response. Thank you so much for your reviews! Now, just a heads up, this story is winding down. After this chapter, there is only one (possibly two, depending on how the writing goes) chapter(s) left. At it's heart, this is a Mer/Der story, and their issues are pretty much resolved/being resolved. This chapter felt weird to write! I'm so used to writing angsty upset Meredith and Derek, that it felt so weird to write them in a scene where they were simply happy together. Hopefully you guys don't hate the slightly more fluffy tone in this chapter. Season two of GA was nothing but angst, and Shonda's trained me to love my Mer/Der that way. So...this was a bit different for me. Anyway, please read away and I'd love it if you'd review too! Thanks!_

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Meredith woke up to the sound of harsh, unwelcome beeping. She buried her face in her pillow, hoping the sound would go away. It didn't. Groaning, she swung an arm over the edge of her bed and fumbled around until she hit the right button on her alarm clock and the beeping was silenced.

"Is it really morning?"

That voice, she knew that voice. It was warm and low, and scratchy from just waking up. Her stomach clenched at the sound, and she knew that, if she tried, it would be terribly easy to freak out about the fact that Derek was laying next to her. The last time she'd woken up next to Derek, she'd gone to work and met his wife. Not exactly a good day. _Things are different now,_ Meredith reminded herself as she rolled over onto her side to look at Derek. She hadn't meant to smile, however she couldn't help but grin as she looked at Derek. He was blinking sleepily in the bright light that had just started to stream through the window. Meredith reached out and flattened down the wild mess his hair had become. "You're in my bed," she said softly.

"I am?" asked Derek innocently, turning his head to smile at her.

"You are," agreed Meredith, struggling to keep from grinning like an idiot as Derek raised his eyebrows at her.

"Well, you know…it's a comfortable bed." He reached over and pulled Meredith back on top of him, burying his face against her neck.

"Derek…what are you doing?" she gasped, trying her best to sound angry. It was hard though, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt so…happy. Besides, Derek wasn't listening to her. He just laughed softly as his hands ran down her bare back, pulling her closer. "Fine," grumbled Meredith, but she smiled as she leaned down, her mouth slowly finding his.

"Meredith!"

Her head jerked back up at the sound of her name, and Derek frowned at her in confusion. Meredith tilted her head towards the hallway, listening intently. She could hear Izzie calling to her, probably from the first floor, but she was too far away to hear her clearly.

"I'm busy Iz," called Meredith, before turning back to look at Derek.

"I doubt she heard you." He had a point. Meredith's voice was hoarse from lack of sleep, and barely traveled past the door to her bedroom. Meredith rolled her eyes.

"She probably just wants my opinion on color-coding the food in the refrigerator or something," said Meredith as she slipped her leg back over Derek. "She's gone insane with projects lately. If I don't answer, she'll just go ask George." Derek raised an eyebrow, grinning at Meredith.

"Meredith Grey," he began, his voice full of mock seriousness. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you were being a bad friend." Meredith sighed heavily, sitting up on top of him, her knees pressing against his chest.

"Fine. If you really want me to get up that badly." She started to get out of bed, but Derek reached out, grabbing her arm and pulling her back down. "Changed your mind?" she smirked, tilting her body even closer to his as she slipped her tongue inside his mouth. Derek just moaned softly against her lips in response. There was a sudden loud knock at her bedroom door, and Meredith looked over her shoulder just in time to see Izzie swing the door open.

"Meredith, get your lazy ass up. I made…" But her voice trailed off, a look of total shock etched across her face. "Oh god…umm good morning, Dr. Shepherd," she stammered, her face flushing as Derek peered curiously around Meredith.

"Morning," he said brightly.

"Sorry," said Izzie, and she quickly turned around, slamming the door shut behind her. Meredith sighed and pushed her hair out of her face as she glanced down at Derek. The corners of his mouth were twitching up into a grin, and he was chuckling softly.

"Stop laughing," hissed Meredith. He shook his head and let out a low sigh, but fell silent. "And stop smirking," she added as he continued to watch her with that amused, twisting smile playing across his lips.

"Meredith?" It was Izzie again, calling to her from outside the door. "Can I ask you something?" She sounded anxious, her voice unsure and hesitant.

"What is it Izzie?"

"Out here," called Izzie. Meredith sighed but pushed the covers off, climbing out of bed.

"Not the robe," protested Derek as Meredith bent down to grab her robe of the floor. She turned around and frowned at him.

"What? You want me to go like this? Naked?"

"Well…naked is good," reasoned Derek. "Actually, I don't think you should ever wear clothes. Just stay like that, all the time." He paused for a moment as Meredith shook her head. "You could even go to work naked," he said seriously as he struggled to keep from smiling at her expression.

"Okay, just for that?" asked Meredith, walking across the room. "I'm wearing the hostage!" She snatched the jacket she still hadn't returned to him from where it lay draped over the back of a chair. Meredith was small, and so the jacket covered her easily, looking like a very strange, very leather robe. She made a face at Derek before hurrying over to her door and out into the hall. "Izzie?" continued Meredith, shutting the door to her room behind her. "What is it?"

"You're…" began Izzie, raising a skeptical eyebrow at the closed door.

"Sleeping with Derek. That isn't news," said Meredith, turning instantly defensive as she pulled his jacket closer to her. "What did you want Izzie?"

"I made pancakes…for you and George. But George already left to see Callie before work, and you…" Izzie trailed off and motioned towards the door, her eyes starting to glisten with tears. "Well you're busy too. Should I just throw them out?" she asked helplessly, wrapping her arms tightly across her chest.

"Izzie," said Meredith gently as she took a step away from her bedroom and towards her friend. "What's going on…with all the organizing and decorating and the waking up at five to make us breakfast? You don't have to be up this early. It's insane to be up this early." Izzie's lower lip started to tremble and she shook her head. "Iz…"

"It's just…it's nothing…" stammered Izzie, but Meredith kept standing there, looking up at her expectantly until Izzie sighed and nodded her head. The tears in her eyes were finally brimming over and rolling slowly down her cheeks. "It's lonely here." Her voice was a thin and frail whisper, just a faint echo of the voice that had once belonged to Izzie Stevens. "When you guys leave, I have to distract myself." She shrugged and fell silent, quickly wiping away her tears with a trembling hand. Meredith chewed thoughtfully on her lip, remembering the cold loneliness that she had felt in the cemetery.

"You could try coming to work with us?" she suggested again. Izzie gave a vague heave of her shoulders, which was more response then the question had gotten the last time, but still not much at all. Meredith sighed, but suddenly latched onto an idea, and smiled slightly as she looked up at Izzie. "You know, Alex has the day off today."

"Oh."

"I know he's Alex, but he'd keep you company and eat all the food you wanted to make." Meredith hesitated, trying to judge Izzie's reaction, but her face remained completely expressionless. "You know, he asks me about you every day."

"Oh…" The second soft gasp Izzie made was accompanied by what Meredith thought might be the vaguest of smiles. Izzie glanced quickly down at the floor in front of her feet before looking back up at Meredith and nodding slightly.

"Yeah," said Meredith, leaning back against her closed door.

"Yeah," echoed Izzie, suddenly managing a more definite smile. "You'd better go. McDreamy's waiting for you." Meredith blushed slightly, her fingers already lingering over the doorknob.

"Yeah," she agreed as Izzie turned without another word and shuffled off down the hall.

Meredith slipped back into her room, leaning against the door as she closed it. She sighed and shut her eyes, shaking her head slightly.

"Mer?" She grudgingly opened an eye to stare at Derek, who was still in bed. However, he had propped himself up on his elbows and was watching her curiously. "Is everything okay?"

"What? Yeah…" Meredith shrugged and pushed herself off the door, walking slowly towards the bed. "It's Denny. Izzie still isn't the same." Meredith smiled sadly as she perched on the very edge of the bed. She tilted her head towards Derek, glancing up to meet his eyes. "Derek?"

"Meredith?"

She grinned despite herself, her fingers tracing the smooth metal of the snaps on the jacket. "What are we going to do? You and me, I mean."

"Hmmm…well, you and I," began Derek thoughtfully, frowning with the same expression he usually wore when studying a difficult CT scan. "Well first, you are going to have to come back to bed. And then, you're going to have to get back on top of me. And then…" He paused to nod very seriously at her, snatching her arm and sending her tumbling back down towards him, his hand instantly moving all the way up the inside of her thigh.

"Derek I know how to have sex, that is not what I'm asking about." She shook her head and rolled off him.

"Sex? Who said anything about sex? It's not my fault if you have a dirty mind."

"Derek," insisted Meredith, resting her head on his chest. "I mean, now that we're being us…are we telling people? Although most people already assume we're back together. Everyone talks about it. But we haven't, I mean are we saying anything officially? As in telling boss-type people? Like Bailey…oh that will not be good. Bailey will kill me, and punish me a second time. She shouldn't get to though since she already did the first time. And well…"

"Mer," interrupted Derek as he reached down and pressed his finger to her lips. "You're rambling."

"Oh, right." Derek laughed and buried his face in her hair, his chin resting against the top of her head. "Sorry," she muttered as she glimpsed the time on her alarm clock out of the corner of her eye. "Shit, I'm gonna be late." She scooted quickly out of bed, ignoring the pleading look in Derek's eyes. As she rushed around getting ready, Meredith absently pushed Derek's jacket towards him. "Here, before I forget," she said quickly before getting down on her hands and knees to get her shoe out from under the bed.

"Keep it," said Derek softly. Meredith paused her search and looked up, falling back on her heels to sit on the floor.

"Huh?" she asked. "I thought you loved this jacket, needed this jacket."

"I do, but I need to come back here even more then I need my jacket. And, if it stays here, then I'll just have to come back again." He smiled proudly at her, looking extremely pleased with his idea. "Besides, you were about to let the hostage go without any negotiations. And that's hardly professional." Derek grinned and Meredith shook her head as she started to laugh, no longer minding that she was late for work.

-----

Meredith had been unusually silent all morning, saying very little in the locker room, and answering Christina's questions with nothing but shrugs and vaguely murmured responses. She wasn't sure exactly why she was being so reserved. She just knew that it felt nice to have a secret that wasn't dark or self-destructive. It wasn't the hot tortured feeling she was used to, as if something poisonous was coursing through her veins. It was a light, wonderful feeling, as if her insides had been decorated by Izzie and turned into something happy…something sparkling even. And so, even though she knew it wouldn't be a secret for long, Meredith kept her lips sealed as she rounded with Bailey and her fellow interns. She lagged behind, a smile creeping unbidden across her face, until finally Christina yanked her down the hall and away from the group.

"What happened to you?"

"Huh?" asked Meredith, her secret smile turning into a soft and puzzled frown.

"Seriously…what is going on?" Christina stared at Meredith as if she didn't recognize her. "You look like a happy person," said Christina, lowering her voice into a conspiratorial whisper and making a face as she spoke.

"I do not," argued Meredith at once, but before she'd even finished speaking the corners of her mouth were already tilting upward again. "I'm just…in a good mood."

"Right…last night, you were drunk and ready to kill Shepherd. Today, you look…shiny," said Christina disgustedly. "Who are you, and what have you done to Meredith?"

"Nothing," said Meredith lightly. "Besides, you're the one who lured me to Joe's and then abandoned me with Derek."

"Ah, so this _is _about Derek." Christina followed Meredith down the hall and towards the nurses' station.

"What is?" asked Meredith innocently. "I have no idea what…" but her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Derek, flipping shut a chart as he exited a patient's room. He looked up and smiled at her, his head tilting slightly to the side as he did. "Hey," said Meredith softly, as her heart started to race and she completely forgot what she meant to pick up from the nurses' station.

"Hey," he answered, walking over to where she was standing.

"Hey…" echoed Meredith, also forgetting that she had already greeted him. "I am working," she stated as she leaned against the nurses' station. Derek glanced down at her empty hands, smiling as he nodded his head.

"You are." He hesitated for a moment, and Meredith looked up at him curiously. "So we never actually decided."

"Decided?"

"If we're telling people." Meredith glanced over her shoulder at Christina, who had a chart in her hands, but was rather unabashedly watching them. "I think we should, I want to," he continued. "But it's totally up to you. Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want," repeated Meredith slowly. She bit her lip and waited for the dizzy overwhelming feeling to sweep over her…but somehow, it didn't. She wasn't overwhelmed, she was okay. Derek was smiling at her, his eyes crinkling, and Meredith felt herself nod. "I want to. We should tell, you know…do things properly this time." She smirked slightly at her own words, knowing that the two of them would probably never quite manage _proper_.

"Definitely," he agreed, grinning down at her, his eyes filled with their look. Neither of them seemed to mind or even notice that all of the nurses, and pretty much everyone in the hallway, had turned to watch them. Derek glanced down at his watch. "Richard wants me for a consult now. Want me to tell him?" Meredith shook her head. "You want to tell him?" Meredith just shook her head again. "Mer?" asked Derek, his expression growing puzzled.

"I want us to tell him," she said quietly. "Together." Derek didn't speak, just nodded as he looked deep into her eyes. Meredith sighed, the memory of the two of them pressed up against the back wall of Joe's came rushing back. She quickly looked away, straightening a pile of papers absently with her hands.

"Meet me in his office in forty minutes," said Derek in a low voice as he walked away. His hand grazed hers as he walked past, and their fingers twitched involuntarily as if unable to resist trying to cling together. Meredith nodded and let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, as Derek disappeared into the elevator.

"I see your vow to never speak to McDreamy again is working out real well for you," said Christina, smirking as she walked back over to Meredith.

"Oh shut up," laughed Meredith, leading Christina away from the nurses' station. Even though she was already abandoning the secret she'd been nursing all of rounds, there was no reason for _everyone_ to know _everything_. Christina just raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Well, don't you have anything interesting to tell me about you and Burke?" asked Meredith innocently, causing Christina to sigh in exasperation. "What? I'm just asking," she protested, raising her hands in defense. "Fine…Derek and I are back together."

"Seriously?" Christina's eyebrows managed to rise even higher. "From fighting in the scrub room to that disgusting display of cuteness?" She gestured back towards the nurses' station where Derek and Meredith had been standing.

"Yeah…I guess so," said Meredith, shrugging her shoulders.

"Damn, you two must have the make-up sex down," said Christina, sounding mildly impressed. Meredith just laughed and shook her head.

"I'm about to go tell the Chief," said Meredith, her words causing her laughter to die on her lips. She wasn't sure why she hadn't just agreed to let Derek talk to Richard, the idea had simply slipped into her mind. And now, it was filling her with doubt, pumping fear and worry quickly through her. Meredith chewed anxiously on her lip, aware that Christina was laughing and saying something in reply, but not bothering to discern her words.

"What do you two think you're doing?" The voice belonged to Bailey, and it jarred Meredith from her own sudden worries. She blinked and looked down at Bailey, starting to apologize in unison with Christina. "I don't actually want explanations," said Bailey, shaking her head in disbelief. Christina nodded, turning away to hurry down the hall. "Grey?" Meredith felt frozen to the floor. _We're telling people,_ she thought, a frown crossing her face as she looked at Bailey. "Why are you still standing here?"

"Umm…" stammered Meredith, shrugging her shoulders awkwardly. _Just walk away,_ she coaxed herself, but that simply wasn't working. _We're telling people…boss-type people…_ "Dr. Bailey?" Meredith tried to smile, but was pretty sure it came out as more of a grimace. Bailey raised an eyebrow, her arms crossing over her chest. "Well, you know Derek and…" Meredith winced, mentally slapping herself. "Dr. Shepherd and I," she began again. "Well we…being me and well Dr. Shepherd…"

"Grey, I know who you are. I know who Derek Shepherd is," snapped Bailey. "Are you trying to make some kind of point here?"

"Yes," said Meredith quickly. "Yes…I definitely have a point. And that point is Dr. Shepherd and I, we're back together again." Meredith nearly stumbled over her words in an effort to get them out as fast as she could, after which there was a sudden moment of silence. It was barely a second, but to Meredith it seemed to stretch on endlessly. She glanced nervously at Bailey, trying to read the woman's expression, but failing miserably to discern anything. So instead, Meredith went back to talking. "And well, I know you didn't approve before…and I just wanted to let you know. I thought it would be better to hear it from me, instead of how you found out last time." Meredith grimaced at her own mention of Bailey discovering them together in Derek's car, but Bailey still remained expressionless. "So, that was my point…" continued Meredith awkwardly. "I'm gonna go work." She started to walk away, but Bailey cleared her throat and Meredith found her feet once again frozen to the floor.

"Grey?" Meredith nodded slightly, wishing she hadn't suddenly forgotten how to speak as well as walk. "Better luck this time." Bailey's face was still expressionless, but her voice was surprisingly free of its usual brisk, blunt, disapproving Bailey-ness. As Bailey turned and walked away, Meredith realized her tone had almost been _gentle_.

-----

Meredith followed the familiar path through the hospital towards the office of Richard Webber. She didn't watch where she was going, but simply let her feet find their way along the maze of tiled corridors and across the bridge towards the great glass office. With every step, she was growing more and more certain that it was a bad idea. _She had an affair…_ thought Meredith, her mind drifting back towards her mother. She was her mother now. She'd had an affair. A shorter one, but still, a married man was a married man. She was Derek's Ellis Grey, their lives suddenly seemed all too similar to talk about together. _This is a bad idea, _Meredith told herself, slowing her pace to a crawl. A patient, pushing his IV pole and struggling to take slow labored steps, outpaced her. _He was her McDreamy, and he never left_. Derek Shepherd, Richard Webber…the two men had parallel roles in a drama that had played out twice in as many generations. One version was broken, faded…over. The other…_perhaps not so over,_ thought Meredith, forcing her feet to keep walking.

As Meredith approached the office and saw the two men through the window, Meredith suddenly felt a sharp pain of sympathy for her mother. She wasn't used to feeling sorry for her, but for a moment, she did. It was a sweet, simple pain, brought on by the sight of Derek sitting in a chair waiting for her. His legs were stretched easily out in front of him, but he leaned forward, his face lighting up as he caught sight of her. He'd left Addison, he was hers. It wasn't that Meredith had the fairytale ending while her mother did not. Meredith knew better then to think everything had suddenly become perfect. But she and Derek, they had the chance to finally, truly try. That was more then Ellis Grey had ever had.

And so Meredith took a shaky breath and knocked on the open door.

"Meredith, come in." That voice was Richard's. It was warmer then the last time he'd spoken to her in his office, before the prom. "Derek tells me the two of you want to talk to me." Meredith nodded her head, inching her way into the room. Derek looked up at her, his blue eyes encouraging as he held out his hand to her. Meredith instantly clasped his hand in hers as she took the last few steps and sat down beside him. It wasn't until she was sitting opposite Richard Webber, that she caught sight of the way he was eyeing their clasped hands. Meredith glanced down, suddenly remembering that it wasn't normal behavior for attendings to hold their intern's hand. But their fingers were locked tightly together, and Meredith didn't see the point in letting go.

"Yes. We do," said Meredith softly, amazed at her own ability to speak in complete sentences. "We wanted to tell you ourselves…" She looked over at Derek who was watching her steadily. He raised an eyebrow, and Meredith knew he was asking if she wanted him to speak. She shook her head slightly and looked back to meet Richard's eyes. "We're…umm…dating again. We're back together." She let out a long shaky breath, not realizing just how tightly she was clenching Derek's hand.

"I wasn't a fan of your relationship," said Richard, his voice low and grave. Meredith felt her heart skip a beat, and she heard Derek clear his throat, but Richard resumed speaking almost immediately. "That was before I saw the two of you apart." Meredith looked hesitantly between Derek and Richard, not quite sure where he was going. "You two don't know how to be apart without hurting - yourselves, each other, anyone who comes too near you." _Addison, George, Finn_, thought Meredith, the names playing over and over in her mind. She knew too well that he was right, and she closed her eyes as the memories of the past month washed over her.

"Meredith?" And that voice was Derek's. It was gentle and concerned as it easily turned three syllables into so much more then just a name. She looked up, suddenly realizing that a tear was rolling down her cheek. She wiped it away with her free hand. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she whispered, smiling apologetically at the two men sitting with her. "Sorry…you were saying Chief?" Meredith turned her attention back to Richard. His eyes were forlorn, but he smiled back at her.

"I'll spare you two the lecture on whether or not you really care for each other and if you realize what you're getting into."

"No secrets this time," said Derek, and even though he was looking at Richard, Meredith knew he was promising her. She laced their fingers tighter together as Richard shrugged and nodded.

"Just be professional here," said Richard. Before he could continue, they were interrupted by the familiar insistent beeping of a pager. Derek reached down, yanking his from the waistband of his scrubs.

"Mer…I'm sorry, I've gotta go. It's a 911," he said as he squeezed her hand and stood up. Meredith nodded, and Derek glanced back at Richard who just waved him away.

"Go on, we're all doctors here. No need to explain," said Richard, tilting his head towards the open door. "We're good here."

Meredith watched Derek hurry out the door, his gait just slightly less then a run. But once he'd vanished, Meredith found herself left alone with Richard. She looked cautiously into his eyes for a moment, shifting in her seat. He was completely silent, just watching her, that same forlorn look still filling his dark eyes. "I should…probably go check on my patients too," began Meredith as she inched out of her chair. "I don't want to keep you busy all day." Richard just nodded and muttered a vague response, seemingly lost in thought. It wasn't until she had made it halfway to the door that he finally spoke clearly.

"Meredith?" She pivoted back around, nodding her head politely.

"Sir?"

"You remind me so much of your mother." His voice was wistful and Meredith thought she heard a slight tremble beneath his words.

"Oh…" she said softly. He didn't say anything in response, so Meredith carried on towards the edge of the room. But as she stood in the doorway, he spoke again.

"I'm happy for you." Meredith froze with her back to Richard, her hand clutching at the molding in the doorway. "It's easy to hold on to safe. It's easy, it's familiar. It won't ever hurt you." Meredith closed her eyes, letting Richard's voice wash over her as she saw her mother's life and her own lined up in her mind. "It takes a brave person to try what you and Derek are trying…and I'm happy for you." _So similar and so different_, thought Meredith, having a hard time ignoring the fact that Richard's voice had cracked with emotion as he spoke. She swallowed hard and nodded, finally turning back around.

"Yeah…" she whispered, and she smiled slightly at him before disappearing across the bridge.

-----

Meredith went all day without seeing Derek as she rushed around, catching up on the work she had neglected in the morning. She was too busy to think about much, but by the time she was ready to go home, she felt exhausted.

"Hey…" said Derek softly, walking up to stand behind her as she waited for the elevator. Meredith twisted her head around to look at him. He was dressed to go home, and even though he looked tired, he was smiling down at her.

"Hey," echoed Meredith. "We told people," she added, still feeling slightly overwhelmed from her talk with the Chief.

"We did," agreed Derek.

"I told Bailey," said Meredith as they walked into the elevator. A woman got off as they entered, leaving the two of them alone in the small familiar box. "She seemed okay with it." Meredith yawned and let her head fall against Derek's shoulder.

"I told Addison." Meredith twisted immediately back around, raising an eyebrow as she looked up at Derek. His eyes were carefully searching her face. "She deserved to hear it firsthand, not as some passed around bit of gossip. I know you don't like…"

"Derek," interrupted Meredith, shaking her head. "I'm not upset. You're right."

"You aren't?" He smiled down at her, looking suddenly relieved. Meredith murmured a response as Derek reached out and pulled her towards him. "Come home with me tonight Meredith?" he asked softly.

"To the trailer?" Derek nodded his head, his eyes hopeful. Meredith smiled up at him, her breath catching. They were a risk, but they were a good risk. "Okay," she whispered, her whisper turning into a laugh as Derek pushed her against the wall of the elevator. "Derek, what are you doing?" she asked.

"Kissing you."

"Kissing me?" managed Meredith before his lips pressed hard against hers, stealing away her ability to speak. As soon as she moved to deepen the kiss, Derek pulled away again, grinning at her.

"Hey you started it. Elevator kissing? Was invented by you." And before Meredith could reply, she was back up against the wall again. Her hands tangled up in his hair as their mouths found each other. He was right. She loved elevators. Well, she'd hated them for a long time, but suddenly the frantic, intense, (struggle to get as much kissing done as possible before the elevator reached the next floor) type kissing seemed like a damn good reason to love elevators again.

The ding of the elevator doors came sooner then they'd expected, stopping at a floor that they hadn't pressed. Quickly, they pushed away from each other. Derek's arm dropped down to drape around Meredith's waist, and she smirked up at him, slipping her small hand into the back pocket of his jeans. But their smiles froze as the doors opened further and the new passenger stepped on.

"Addison."

"Derek," replied Addison calmly, raising an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. "Meredith," she added, turning to smile a tight-lipped smile in her direction.

"A…Addison," managed Meredith, suddenly painfully aware of how close she was standing to Derek. She shifted slightly, trying to decide if it would be worse to move out of Derek's grasp or simply remain leaning against him as if it was nothing. She closed her eyes, realizing that her hand was very clearly still shoved into Derek's pocket. _My hand is on her husband's ass,_ thought Meredith, all of her attention suddenly shifting to her hand. _Her ex-husband…still it's on her ex-husband's ass…Derek's…ass…_ Meredith glanced over at Addison, who was staring fixedly straight ahead. _Maybe she doesn't notice,_ thought Meredith desperately, but she knew her hair was mussed and that her cheeks were likely flushed and the two of them were sandwiched together obviously in the back corner of the elevator. She had to bite her lip to keep from letting out a very noticeable sigh of relief when the doors finally opened on the main floor. Addison turned and smiled a curious, strained smile in their direction.

"Goodnight," she said and hurried off the elevator before Meredith's reply had even left her lips. Sighing, Meredith finally pulled away from Derek and sank down to sit on the floor of the elevator as the doors closed. She let her head fall forward and rest against her knees.

"Meredith?" asked Derek, kneeling down beside her in the suddenly stationary elevator.

"Oh…that was bad," moaned Meredith. "That was seriously bad. She must hate me."

"She doesn't hate you," said Derek gently. "She knows we're together remember?"

"Yes, but there is a huge difference between knowing two people are together and actually _seeing _them together." Derek frowned slightly, as if about to disagree with her, but Meredith shot him a look. "Trust me, I saw you with Addison for months," she said shortly, before letting her head fall back against her knees again.

"Okay," agreed Derek. "But things will get more normal. This was the first time, it was bound to be weird." Meredith nodded slightly.

"Lots of firsts today." Derek looked at her curiously. "Told Bailey, told the Chief, had your ex-wife catch me kissing you…" rambled Meredith, as Derek reached down and lifted her to her feet. "Big day," she murmured, letting her head drop against his shoulder. Yet again she felt overwhelmed, but it wasn't due to Derek this time. Everything surrounding them…yes, but finally not him. For once, as she followed Derek out to his car, his voice did nothing but calm her.


	19. Ch 19: We Are the Lucky Ones

_A/N - First of all, thank you so much for the wonderful reviews. I totally appreciate them. Second of all, I have a question for those of you who are kind enough to follow my story. I've had an idea of a second arc I could take the characters in this story on. It would involve bringing in Mark, and would deal with how Mer/Der handled being a couple again and all of their problems and angsty trust issues that they have due to everything that's happened between them. However, I also have an idea for another story which would alternate between following Meredith and Derek. It would deal with how things could play out after prom, but would generally be a more darker version of events then what happened in this story. (Still Mer/Der of course, because really...is there even anything else? lol) So that's my question, should I continue this story and introduce Mark and subsequent Mer/Der problems? Or would you guys prefer to see it wrapped up with the happy ending it has now...I'd add one more short chapter, basically an epilogue to cement the happy ending and then it would be done. And I'd go onto the other story...so yeah, if anyone has an opinion on what they'd prefer to read please comment and let me know!_

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Addison wasn't sure why she kept requesting Alex Karev. She'd done it at first because she was furious with the cocky little bastard, and she knew he hated OB/GYN. He hated everything that she did, so why not drag him along for the ride. Now though, perhaps it was habit. Or maybe she just enjoyed the fact that he was one of the few people in the hospital who didn't stare at her with eyes brimming over with pity. He never stopped being a smartass, bluntly civil at best. She could hear him coming from the moment he got off the elevator, flirting like a dog with some nurse before heaving loud sighs as he walked over to where she stood at the nurses station.

"Just can't get enough of me, can you doctor?" he asked, a heavy smirk upon his face.

"Karev, now is not the…" began Addison, turning around to glare at him. But her voice trailed off as she caught sight of Derek and Meredith, standing shoulder to shoulder as they looked at a chart. "…time for your attitude," she continued almost immediately, but Alex had already turned around to see what was distracting her.

"Right," he said slowly, glancing back and forth between Derek and Meredith, who were both grinning widely and oblivious of everything but each other, and Addison, who simply looked cross. "I'd forgot that this was the part of the day where we silently ogle Seattle Grace's golden couple." He nodded thoughtfully, watching as Derek and Meredith moved on and disappeared down a hall. Addison turned around, addressing the nurse sitting in a chair behind the counter.

"I want the files for all of my patients who've had surgery in the past twenty-four hours." Alex frowned and watched as the nurse left, returning with a stack of several binders. "And now," continued Addison, shoving the pile towards Alex. "This is the part of the day where you complete all of their post-op notes."

"Seriously?" he asked, his expression instantly turning outraged. "That's going to take all morning!" Addison just shrugged, forcing a smirk onto her face as she walked away.

She took the hallway that Derek and Meredith hadn't walked down, slowly weaving her way towards the stairwell. Karev irritated her, not just because he was a smartass, but because somehow…he always seemed to be right. He was right in a way that was almost painfully perceptive. _The golden couple_ thought Addison bitterly as she took the stairs two at a time. Stairs were never easy in three-inch heels, but Addison lived in heels. Getting around in them had sort of become an art form. She didn't focus on where she was going, but simply kept climbing up and up, letting the discordant clang of her heels against the metal of the stairs pound a rhythm through her thoughts. In two days, Derek and Meredith had managed to go from being nothing more then a dirty whispered secret to the reconstituted sweethearts of Seattle Grace.

Addison supposed it had something to do with the way Meredith looked, as if she'd won the freaking lottery or something. The girl walked around smiling at patients, at nurses, at _everyone_. She just couldn't seem to help herself. And Derek looked happier then she could ever remember, as if he'd not only been given the sun and the moon, but all the stars as well. He was nicer to her now too, treating her to coffee while he thanked her for her advice about Meredith and told her how they had officially gotten back together. He'd given her a bare bones version of events, sparing her the details, but he couldn't hide the glow in his eyes as he talked about Meredith. He'd sounded like some little boy who'd just gotten his first kiss, and Addison had smiled and played along, not wanting to be the one who couldn't deal. She liked to lie to herself and pretend that she didn't care.

Finally, there were no more stairs left for Addison to climb. They simply ended at a small white door labeled "Hospital Staff Only. No Admittance." She reached out and grabbed the handle, swinging the door open as she stepped out onto the roof of the hospital. It was a cool day, with a slight drizzle in the air, and Addison's hair blew into her eyes. She sighed and tucked the shiny red strands back behind her ears, staring up at the gray sky as she walked across the brightly painted lines of the helicopter landing dock.

_I don't care…_she reminded herself. She sat down on the cement, the toe of her shoe scuffing slightly due to the rough surface. That was the problem though. She cared less about the damage to her shoes then about the fact that suddenly, everyone found the idea of the attending and the intern to be wonderfully cute. And Addison loved shoes. The dull mark across the perfect leather surface should be devastating. She ran a finger idly along the scuff and watched as gray clouds shifted slowly across the gray sky.

She thought it would be nice to fling her pager off the roof, letting the small plastic shell shatter on the cement several stories below. And then…she could just sit up there all day, until the light drizzling rain had soaked her clothes and the gray sky had darkened into night. Finally, Meredith and Derek would be gone, no doubt together. Then she could go down the stairs and through the quiet hospital, she could just slip away unnoticed. She could try to forget the last eleven years of her life, forget that she had lost her husband. Addison closed her eyes, wishing that she could forget Derek loved someone else while she was still alone. She sighed, figuring this must be why Meredith had drank so much…_the emptiness._

But even after the soft waves in her hair had fallen limp from an half hour in the rain, Addison hadn't managed to forget anything. She struggled to her feet, straightening out her skirt and her lab coat. She took one last look up at the empty gray sky before walking back towards the door to the stairs. Addison wouldn't run and she couldn't forget. That left her with just one choice. So she pulled her wrecked hair up into a bun, fixing a slight smile on her face.

And she marched back down the stairs in her fabulous heels and went back to work. _Golden couple be damned and all…_

-----

"So this is where all the interns disappear to," said Derek, walking in a slow circle as he examined the dark unused corridor lined with broken wheelchairs and gurneys. Meredith just shrugged and grinned at him.

"The vending machine over here has always got the best stuff." Her reply was followed by the soft clink and whir of a bag of chips being dispensed. She bent down to grab her snack before walking over to sit on one of the gurneys.

"That's because nobody even knows where this place is to use them," said Derek, still peering down the long and silent hallway. "Are we even in the hospital anymore?" Meredith shook her head, leaning forward to grab his arm as he paced past her. She pulled him down onto the gurney beside her.

"Stop worrying. It's nice here," she said quietly. "It's peaceful." She leaned back, her head resting against the brick wall as she closed her eyes. Derek made a low noise of agreement but didn't say anything, and Meredith could tell he was watching her. After a moment, she smiled and opened her eyes slightly to squint at him. "What?"

"Nothing…just now, I know one of the intern secrets." Derek grinned at her, looking proudly around the empty hallway. Meredith laughed and sat back up.

"Yes," she agreed. "But you don't get to take advantage of that."

"I don't get to take advantage?"

"Nope."

"But I want to take advantage," protested Derek. He frowned thoughtfully for a moment. "Are you going to take advantage then?" Meredith laughed again as Derek leaned forward, his arm reaching out to pull her closer.

"Probably," she said quietly, smirking as she looked up at him. A moment later their lips met and they kissed slowly, hands running gently through each other's hair. When they finally pulled apart, Meredith leaned her head against Derek's chest, his hand still playing with her hair. "Derek?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything you want," he said quietly, resting his chin against the top of her head. Meredith nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about Addison? I mean before…when we were dating before…"

"Ohh…" Derek sighed heavily, not speaking for a moment, and Meredith began to wonder if she shouldn't have asked. "I was afraid," he said at last.

"You were afraid?" she echoed, tilting her head slightly so that she could see his face. "Of me flipping out? You know…I'm actually a very rational person." A small smile crossed Derek's face and he looked down at her.

"Of that, how you'd react," he agreed. "Of actually acknowledging that I had a wife who cheated on me with my best friend. It was easier to just pretend that never happened, pretend Addison and Mark didn't even exist. It hurt less that way." He paused, taking a deep breath. "And…I was afraid I'd lose you. I was terrified that you would hate me and leave, and I couldn't bear the idea of losing what was the one good thing in my life."

"Me?" asked Meredith, sounding slightly incredulous.

"You," agreed Derek. Meredith was silent for a moment, contemplating what he'd said. She wasn't used to this, the two of them just sitting and talking without a hundred arguments in the way. She could tell he was worried, his blue eyes were clouding over as he watched her, anticipating her reply. Meredith smiled softly, deciding she liked _them _without all the arguments and pain, and so she laced her fingers through his.

"You know," she began slowly. "That wasn't very smart of you. I wouldn't have left…you're not the type of guy a girl leaves if she can help it." He smiled hesitantly at first, and then stronger, causing Meredith to grin. She giggled, turning her face into his chest as she laughed.

"That's good…because you're not the sort of girl I could ever get over," said Derek quietly as he stroked her hair. The two of them fell silent, just laying together. There was nothing more they needed to say. And so they sat there until Derek's pager went off, and he grudgingly got to his feet. "I've got to get this," he apologized.

"Yeah I know," said Meredith. "Go on, go save someone's life." She smiled and shooed him away with her hand. He nodded and was halfway to the doorway when he turned around.

"You're staying in the dark lonely corridor?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Meredith groaned and reached for the files stacked beneath her chips and bottled water.

"The lowly intern has to do her post-op notes somewhere," said Meredith, smiling back at him. And the smile remained on her face as he nodded and disappeared down the hallway. She had barely settled down with her first file when she heard footsteps again echoing down the hall.

"What was he doing down here?" Meredith looked up to see Christina, followed closely by Alex, walking towards her.

"Huh?" asked Meredith innocently.

"She was probably doing him on the gurney," suggested Alex as he fed his money into the vending machine.

"Ugh," groaned Christina. She had been a second away from sitting down next to Meredith, but she frowned at the gurney and crossed over to lay down on the empty one opposite it.

"We were not having sex," protested Meredith. "We were just talking."

"Right…" said Christina, rolling her eyes.

"Seriously," continued Meredith, ignoring the amused looks Christina and Alex were exchanging. "So…I heard you actually got Izzie to leave the house," she said quickly to change the subject. Alex shrugged and nodded.

"She hadn't been out since the funeral," he said quietly, suddenly seeming almost embarrassed. "I thought it'd be good for her."

"She said she had fun," said Meredith, grinning at him.

"Oh. Good."

"And your blushing," announced Meredith happily as Alex stared intently at the floor.

"Evil spawn's got a heart," laughed Christina. "A soft, squishy heart brimming with…"

"Shut it Yang," interrupted Alex, tossing his pop can at her. She opened her mouth to say something back, but Meredith shot her a look. She shrugged and rolled her eyes again, but stayed silent.

"Izzie's going to be okay," said Meredith quietly, more to herself then the others. She knew that one trip out of the house with Alex didn't equal a complete recovery, but after the past few days, somehow…everything was starting to feel possible.

-----

Meredith was staggering backwards, trying to unlock the door to her house while also unzipping Derek's jacket. That wouldn't have been so hard, except for the fact that he kept kissing her neck.

"That…" murmured Meredith, gasping and stepping back from him. "…is distracting." The sky was rapidly growing dark outside, and Meredith was in a hurry to get inside. She had spent most of the day in surgery with Bailey, and now that she and Derek were finally outside of the hospital, she didn't want to waste the whole evening fiddling with the lock to her house. "There," she announced happily as the door finally swung open. She flung her keys onto the table in the hall and pulled Derek back towards her, pausing only to kick the door shut with her foot. Derek smirked as he leaned back in to kiss her, letting both their coats fall to the floor.

They staggered backwards, bumping into things as they walked down the hallway together. Meredith lifted her arms up as Derek peeled her shirt off. As soon as the fabric had passed past her face, her lips found Derek's mouth again. As they moved towards the couch in the front room, Meredith hesitated and turned her face away slightly.

"George?" she called loudly, causing Derek to wince and rub his ear. "George?" shouted Meredith again, leaning back to peer down the empty hallway.

"Okay…shouting another man's name when I kiss you?" began Derek, fitting his fingers through the belt loops of her jeans and working the buttons open. "It's terribly distracting." Meredith grinned and looked back at him, reaching up to mess his hair.

"Oh get over yourself," she smirked, leaning forward and sucking on his lower lip. "I'm just checking to see if they're home." She turned away once more. "George? Izzie?" Again there was no response.

"See?" said Derek, leering at her as they both shed their jeans. "Nobody's home."

"Hmm…interesting. I suppose this means you only want me to shout your name now?" Meredith pushed him down onto the couch, sighing happily as his lips began to trail slowly down her stomach.

"Probably," he agreed, and they grinned at each other as he pulled her down on top of him.

-----

When the door to the house finally opened again, Meredith and Derek were still on the couch. She was dressed in his button down shirt, and he was laying down with his head in her lap. "See…someone's home now," she whispered, trailing her fingers through his dark hair.

"Hmmm…" he answered quietly, the sound a low murmur in his throat, as he closed his eyes.

"Izzie!" said Meredith happily, as her blonde roommate appeared in the doorway. "You went out again!"

"I did," agreed Izzie. "I'm not an invalid you know." She sounded slightly cross, and Meredith looked up hesitantly.

"I know," began Meredith apologetically, but Izzie shrugged and smiled.

"Umm…I went to talk to Bailey again."

"You did? That's great." Izzie shrugged again.

"Yeah…I had a few more questions for her," she said quietly.

"So you're coming back?" Meredith looked hopefully at her friend.

"I might be…I don't know. I'll see, but yeah…maybe…" She started to shrug but ended up smiling when she caught sight of the expression on Meredith's face.

"Good," said Meredith happily.

"Yeah…good," echoed Izzie in agreement as her attention drifted down to Derek. He was still laying with his head in Meredith's lap, a half smile on his lips as she played with his hair. "So…" continued Izzie, her smile transforming into a smirk. "McDreamy's really back?"

"McDreamy?" repeated Meredith. She glanced down to look at Derek. He had opened his eyes, seeming rather embarrassed to have the two of them calling him McDreamy in front of him. Meredith laughed and made a face at Derek, but nodded her head. "Yeah…he really is back," she agreed softly.


	20. Ch 20: Epilogue

_A/N - First, thanks so much to everyone who took the time to answer my question about where to go next with this story. Your comments really helped me figure out where to go with everything. I decided to wrap this story up with an epilogue because it really was winding down, and it felt wrong to suddenly crank up the angst again. Plus, as it is, it's 20 chapters long...and that's just such a nice round number! Anyway, I still really want to write the arc I was considering for this story, so I'm going to write a sequel to And It All Falls Apart. I need a break from this story though, so I'm going to write the other fic I was describing first. I think it's going to be a bit shorter (at least according to the outline it feels that way). I've started writing it already, and will hopefully have the first chapter up this weekend. (Thanks to everyone who has expressed an interest to read it!) After that story is through, it'll be on to the sequel to this story. So anyway...here's the end. It has a shamefully high fluff quotient, but I wanted a happy ending after all the angst!_

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Meredith wandered barefoot over the grass, a pair of red flip-flops dangling from her left hand. It was a surprisingly beautiful day, free of even the slightest hint of rain. The sun had risen early and the grass beneath her feet was soft and warm. She sighed happily, wandering further from the trailer and heading down towards the water. The waves were a deep sparkling blue that reminded her of Derek's eyes, and so she sat down on the bank to watch the water and wait for him.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since the night when they had both finally said everything that was on their minds, two weeks since they had decided to become a real couple again. The constant whirlwind of gossip at the hospital had died down slightly, and it was almost possible for Meredith to talk to Derek without setting off a chain reaction of discussions that spread like wildfire through all of the nursing staff. The sight of the two of them together was starting to become normal again. It was starting to feel more normal too. Meredith was no longer shocked when she woke up and found Derek laying next to her. It was starting to feel natural, normal and completely right. _Here I am, _she thought to herself as she lay down in the grass. _Finally... _It was one of her rare days off, and Derek had gotten called in for an early surgery. He had let her sleep and had simply left a note telling her to stay, that he would be back soon with a surprise for her. And so Meredith had stayed, drinking in the quiet and the green beauty of it all as she waited.

"Meredith…Mer…" Meredith stirred slightly. "Mer, wake up." She moaned and opened her eyes to see Derek kneeling down beside her.

"What…" she gasped, pushing herself up into a sitting position.

"You fell asleep," he laughed, reaching out to pull a stray piece of grass out of her hair.

"Oh…" said Meredith softly as Derek ran his fingers slowly through her hair. "Sorry…that was fast." She shook her head, still waking up. "Umm what time is it?"

"It's about five," said Derek. After a moment Meredith realized that he was grinning widely, his whole body tense and eager. A look of recognition flitted across Meredith's face and she smirked up at him.

"You have a surprise for me," she stated, watching his smile increase just a little bit more as he nodded.

"I have a surprise for you," he agreed. Meredith stretched out her hand, letting Derek pull her to her feet. She bent down and brushed the dirt off of her jeans before following him away from the water.

"I don't like surprises," she teased, trying to frown at him. But Derek was still grinning wildly and Meredith ended up simply smiling back.

"Everyone likes surprises," he said decidedly.

"Well I don't. All the surprises in my life have been bad," insisted Meredith as she linked her arm through Derek's. He just shook his head and laughed, prompting Meredith to continue with her explanation. "You know…I get the surprises like...surprise, your mother has Alzheimer's! Or…surprise, your parents divorced because your mother had an affair!" She crossed her arms over her chest and shot Derek a stubborn look.

"Meredith," he protested. "Those aren't the same sort of surprises as what…" But Meredith reached out, placing a finger to his lips to silence him. She laughed as she leaned towards him, her eyebrows raised and a mischievous glint in her green eyes.

"Hmmm…" she said quietly, pretending to be lost in thought. "Oh here's another good one." Derek winced slightly, having a good idea as to what she was about to say. "Surprise…your boyfriend has a wife!"

"Ouch," said Derek, his expression turning apologetic even though Meredith was smiling. But she just shrugged and nodded.

"Yep. See…" smirked Meredith. "I don't have such a good track record with surprises."

"Okay fair enough," agreed Derek. "But this one is nothing like the other three." Meredith laughed again, letting him lead her back towards the trailer, down the faint trail their feet had worn in the grass. After a moment, she turned to look at him almost anxiously.

"Promise?" she asked. Her voice was soft, barely more then a whisper, and she was fairly certain he wouldn't hear her. But Derek nodded instantly, tilting his head towards her.

"Promise," he agreed. "No more bad surprises for you Mer."

"No more…" she echoed quietly. It was disconcerting to have everything fall so perfectly into place after months and months of feeling like nothing more then a fractured version of herself. It was easy to doubt the wonderful feeling that being with Derek created in her…the feeling of being whole again. But as she breathed in his scent and felt the warm pressure of his arm slung around her waist, Meredith couldn't doubt the feeling. "Okay," she said as she smiled up at him. "Well where are we going? Where's my surprise Derek?"

"Shhh…" he shushed her, holding up his free hand. "It's just around here. On the other side." Meredith leaned forward, trying to see around the bulk of the trailer when she heard the unmistakable sound of a dog barking. She turned to look at Derek, eyebrows raised, as they rounded the corner and a dog came bounding towards them.

"You got a dog?" she asked, dropping his hand and bending down to scoop the animal up in her arms.

"Nope."

"Fine, you got a puppy," allowed Meredith, frowning thoughtfully down at the bundle of fur she was holding. "He is a little guy." She grinned, giggling as the puppy scrambled up her chest to lick her nose.

"Nope," repeated Derek, causing Meredith to look up at him. She opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated when she realized how anxious he looked. He was standing with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket, his blue eyes following Meredith almost apprehensively. "I got _us_ a dog."

"You got us a dog?" echoed Meredith. "This is _our_ dog?"

"Well…if you want him," continued Derek quickly. "I know you couldn't keep Doc at your house, but he…" Derek paused, motioning towards the puppy in Meredith's arms. "He can stay here all the time where there's lots of land, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. I just figured that…well, you loved Doc." Meredith nodded, glancing up at Derek. She could not remember a time that he had ever seemed so nervous before. "But we didn't share Doc properly. We could share this one properly. From the very beginning." Derek finally fell silent, shifting his weight from foot to foot, waiting for Meredith to reply. She tucked her face into the soft tan fur of the puppy, kissing the top of his head before setting him down and walking over towards Derek.

"I love it," she said softly. "I love him." Derek smiled hopefully at Meredith as she rose up on her tip-toes to wrap her arms around his neck. "I love my surprise Derek," she murmured.

"Yeah?" he asked happily. "You seriously want to keep him?"

"Yeah. Seriously, I want to." The little dog was barking insistently to get their attention, and Meredith laughed again, leaning down to pet him. "He needs a name though," she added.

"Doc 2.0?" suggested Derek, smirking as Meredith rolled her eyes and swatted at his arm.

"You can't name a dog 2.0. We could name him…" She hesitated, frowning as she looked at the dog. "Umm…Mini-Doc? Doc Junior? I've always been crap at names Derek."

"How are either of those better then Doc 2.0?" asked Derek skeptically as he sat down and pulled Meredith into his lap.

"Well," reasoned Meredith as she snatched the dog up in her arms. "He doesn't look like a Doc 2.0. He looks like a Doc Junior." She held the dog up towards Derek. "See?" she asked, grinning at him. "He's totally a Doc Junior." Derek shook his head, laughing as he reached out to pet the dog's head.

"Fine, he's Doc Junior," he agreed, still shaking his head.

"Well that was easy," said Meredith. She twisted around to look at Derek, leering as she leaned forward and kissed him. "You are such a pushover," she murmured.

"It's all part of my master plan."

"Your master plan?" echoed Meredith as she settled back into his arms again. "You have a master plan? What for?"

"To make you fall in love with me," stated Derek proudly, his fingers tracing slow circles down her back.

"Well that's a horrible plan Derek. An absolutely stupid, pointless plan…because, you see…" Her voice gradually turned from bright and teasing to a quiet, near whisper as she spoke. "I already have. I already love you Derek."

"Meredith?"

Derek's voice was a sudden whisper against her ear, and Meredith nodded as the sound ran down her spine, sending shivers through every inch of her body. She could feel Derek smiling into her hair as he spoke. "I love you too," he whispered.

Meredith sighed, closing her eyes as the corners of her lips turned up into a smile. She was laying in Derek's arms and _their _dog was nestled in her lap. It no longer mattered how many unknown surprises lay hidden in the distance. Because right then, in that moment?

_Everything was perfect_.

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_The End_

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_A/N 2 - Thank you so much for everyone who has followed this story and taken the time to comment and review it. I appreciate it so much, it's made the whole thing very worthwhile. I hope you guys enjoyed, and keep an eye out for the sequel coming up in about a month or so!_


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